I don't know where to begin.
But I have to get something off of my chest...something I have been struggling with for a while now.
We need to stop judging and start loving.
Now, before I look like I'm the pot calling the kettle black (although my pots are robin egg blue -- so I guess I could still call the kettle black and get away with it), I know I'm not perfect. I do not write to point out other's flaws and leave myself out of the situation. It is likely the opposite -- where I have learned an important lesson and in turn feel the need to write about it as to educate us all. I have been found guilty of this in many circumstances in my life. So I want to share the wealth and hopefully prevent someone else from making my own mistakes.
I'm not speaking of this from a strictly religious or Latter Day Saint perspective either, but for this purpose, I want to focus my attention on those of us associated with any Christian faith. I can only speak for my own church's practices but it is a problem I see with in so many "Christians".
We need to stop judging and start loving.
Many a talk over the pulpit have been given about this very topic. We have no right to judge. More importantly, instead of judging someone, we should be making every effort to rally behind them and love them and ensure they have the opportunity to feel love. How do we show love to someone if we don't agree with the choices they make? You serve them. Service does not require that you know their lifestyle, adapt their lifestyle, or even that you approve of it. And frankly, is your approval the person's approval that should mean something? Serving them means that you provide them with care and concern and offer them the same peace and light in your life by providing assistance to them in whatever means that you are able to do. It means you provide encouragement or offer prayers in their behalf. It means that you stop by their home and bring them some nourishment or help them with a chore around the home. It means you take time out of your busy life to assist them with their busy life. Our hope is that the service comes full circle.
We have lost our sense of neighborly kindness. We are so concerned with appearing to have it all together and that we are so right with God that we forget to do the first and most important commandment of all - to love God with all of your might, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. I think we should ponder the idea that this commandment was given consecutively. Are they interchangeable? Is loving God with might, mind and soul only achievable when you truly love your neighbor as yourself? And if you truly love your neighbor as yourself, are you fulfilling the greatest commandment to love God, even if you don't profess a belief in God. I dare say yes.
I have a friend I'll call John. Obviously, not his real name, but John will be his name for this story. John is a brilliantly talented man who attended a church university. He is good looking, funny, charming, intelligent, and very successful. But there was something that John didn't want his friends to know...and something he had struggled with for years. He didn't know if he really believed in God. Even as a missionary, he struggled with it. Now, I can't speak completely for him and his experiences (obviously) but I can speak for what I know of him. After he left the bubble of the church university, he moved to a much more socially liberal city. He was still unmarried, so he attended the singles ward in that area - he had friends - good job...but he was still struggling. He fell into a deep depression and stopped attending church. In my conversations with John, which weren't frequent but were long when they occurred, I realized that what he was missing was true Christian love in his life. He had never really experienced it. God's love is always there, but for a struggling soul, it needs to be tangible. God's love comes through our actions towards others. He had not experienced this from his family or from the members of his ward. When someone chooses to become isolated from the world around them, it is because they are desperately wanting someone to show that they care. I can speak for that from experience. It is selfish, but it is the reality of it. They have grown weak and weary from constantly trying to be something they feel that cannot be and rather than keep fighting, they sink back into the comfort of their imperfect self, accept it, and in turn isolate themselves from anyone that would perceive their imperfections as weakness. John's actions spoke heavily to this situation. He sought counseling from a professional. But something I heard time and time again from John was "no one from church has even bothered to pick up the phone and see if I'm okay." When he did attend church, he was asked to meet with the Bishop. The Bishop showed concern, but again, not one of his so-called friends called or stopped by after that visit. He felt alone, judged, and abandoned. Tangible love is felt when we take time to notice those who have gone missing. It probably means they need our attention more than if they showed up every Sunday.
One of my best friends is a very busy married mom of 2 adorable little girls under the age of 5. She is finishing up her last semester of graduate school and her husband is also in the medical field. Her daughters were asking to be able to go play with their friends so she attended a play date with some women in her local congregation. She told the girls that they couldn't stay for more than a couple of hours because of her busy schedule, and we all know how well it goes when you tell a 2 and 4 year old that it is time to leave their friends. The oldest daughter was of course upset. She was crying because she didn't want to leave. So my friend asked one of the moms who lived down the street from them if she could maybe take her oldest daughter home with them when they left so she could stay a little longer. "Well, I would have to put the seat back up in the SUV and I don't know if we have room for her because of the strollers". None of the other moms blinked an eye or offered to help either. It was freezing cold outside. Hurt and a bit upset, she told her oldest daughter to wait inside while she went and put the little one in the car. The oldest daughter stood at the door and cried while her mom went and put her little sister in the car. When my friend turned around, her oldest was standing outside on the porch, with the door shut behind her. One of the mom's had pushed her out into the cold and shut the door! They didn't even say anything...just shut the little crying girl out in the cold. These women are supposed to be the support system of Christian women that my friend is supposed to depend on!? I was outraged.
And my own story -- I think the only reason I have survived as long as I have is because of the tangible concern and love I feel from others...Christians and non-Christians alike. If I missed a couple of Sundays in Rexburg, you better believe there was someone knocking on my door checking in to make sure I am okay....even if it was the Bishop himself. I never felt it was from a judgmental place either. It was genuine concern for my well being. I tried to do the same. Moving home has been an adjustment. It's been harder than I thought and I have had to still battle my demons of anxiety and depression only now I don't have the comfort of a small town to hide them in. Yet, despite 5 weeks of not going to church, the only contact I have gotten was a member of the Primary presidency who wanted to know how she could help me with my calling, because I was letting the kids down by not being there. She was well intentioned -- and I spent an hour on the phone with her explaining my struggles. She asked how she could help. The only thing I knew to ask her to do was that maybe she could call me on Saturday and remind me that I'm valuable. Maybe that was a missing piece in the puzzle. (It sounds silly but it is a concept I struggle with.) She did call that next Saturday. I missed her call...and I didn't go to church the next day. I haven't heard from her since. We haven't had so much as a call from anyone claiming to be our visiting or home teachers either. Nor have we had anyone in general try to contact us to check in. But something funny happens when Ryan or I do show up for church...suddenly then everyone is concerned as to why you haven't been there. So now I've been avoiding it because of the mere energy it will likely take for me to come up with a generic answer to explain where I've been.
I know I've focused on negative stories, and there are encouraging stories of service amongst Christians out there to be told but I honestly don't believe that non-religious folk would be so inclined to push back against Christians if the good outweighed the bad. The tough reality of the situation is that I hear more of the stories like the ones I've shared. As someone who has suffered from depression most of my adult life, I acknowledge that I am just as guilty and that inadequacy of selflessness sometimes overwhelms me.
How many people would come to church to hear the great message of the gospel if we spent more time loving and less time judging? How many people would be willing to hear the gospel message if we spend more time concerned with just being a friend and less time concerned with the choices someone is making in their lives? How many more would be willing to make the sacrifices to be a community if they really understood the first and great commandment? This is a real problem among us as Christians. We are quick to stick so whole heartedly to the letter of the law and demand it of everyone we associate ourselves with that we completely miss the spirit of it...which is that God dwells within each of us and his tangible love can be felt when we act out on behalf of the sake of love and acceptance and empathy to all. It means that we don't pick and choose who we serve and who we show love to. It means that we try to remember that we cannot possibly know what it is like to walk in another's shoes. When we take a moment to check in on our actual neighbors, and when we take a moment to text or call or stop by a friend's home that we haven't heard from in a while. Those things can mean all the difference.
