Rain trickles down my arm and doesnt let go just yet.
I stand there waiting, hoping that it will all wash away with the rain.
Let it rain, let it pour, just dont let my mind suffer anymore.
Come sunshine.
Come rest.
Come sleep.
Stop the rain.
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These past few weeks have been a series of serious highs and lows...unfortunately, the lows have outweighed the highs lately. I'm hoping that things are starting to look up and stay up but right now, but it's still a little too soon to tell.
I think it all started when I started my new job. I'm working up in Fishers now at a very nice apartment community up here. I love my job...and the money is nothing to complain about, but it's been an adjustment. The staff here is very close knit and because of my strict moral beliefs and background, I don't exactly fit in with them...so it's been a bit of an adjustment for me to feel comfortable at work.
Then, I decided to help a friend out who was new to the area and in a situation that she didn't want or need to be in... so I agreed to let her move in with me and we moved down the hall to a bigger place. This all happened in the span of about two days. She's great, her name is Alise Ward...she's 19 and adorable. She is an example to me in a lot of ways when it comes to her committment to reading her scriptures and saying her prayers. I admire her dedication to it all. Still though, after living pretty much alone for four years, it's an adjustment to get used to sharing space, time and belongings.
A couple of weeks ago, I found out that a long time friend of mine from jr. high school had moved into the apartment building that I used to manage. Gabe and I used to walk to school everyday for like two years....and then I found out that he had OD'd on oxycotton and died about two days before Thanksgiving. What a shock that was. He was 24. It's so sad.
To add to it....the holiday season is upon us....and I always have mixed emotions about them. I miss my mom and my mom's family a lot during this time of year...and think of them often. So while I was looking at Gabe's obituary online, I decided to do an archive search for relatives on my mom's side of the family. I'll write another post about that situation with them, but in a nutshell, I have not spoken to anyone on my mom's side of the family since her death in 1997. I first searched my great Aunt Edith....no obituary...so that's good. Then I started thinking about Penny....my mom's cousin and close friend. Penny had suffered from cancer around the same time as my mom....so I typed in Penny Shelton. There is was. She died in June of 2006. No phone call, no letter, no kick in the pants....I didn't even know. I was hurt and sad. How could no one have told me? With this discovery, I decided to do a little research and track down her husband. I found his information and sent him a letter, as well as an additional letter that I had provided hoping that he could pass it on to other members of my family. That was over two weeks ago.....and still no response. Yes, I could call....but I made the first move, the hardest move, now, the ball is in their court.
Now to add to my list of growing stresses....over the summer I met a boy....and he was like no other boy I've ever known. He was smart, but didn't really show it. He was funny, but not in an obvious way. He was kind, but never really cared if anyone noticed. He was daring, but it just seemed to fit him. He always went along with things...even if it made him uncomfortable. He always did what was asked of him....without complaint. He was Sterling. After a long summer of trying to figure out who I was with this boy, Sterling and I became very good friends. He was reliable, and always challenged me to think a little harder, be a little more patient, and accept things as they come along. He was all of the things I wasnt. I enjoyed his friendship...we talked a lot...hung out a lot...and understood each other. We also argued a lot....but we both knew that the arguments never meant anything more than just trying to see the other's perspective. When Alise moved here I knew right away that he has his eye on her. Which is understandable considering she is exactly his type. Well now we all know that Alise is my roommate. I didn't really think a whole lot about the fact that things could be weird once she moved in, and Sterling never mentioned anything about his feelings about the situation. Sterling and I have a very open, honest friendship and have never really kept secrets from one another....I don't really keep secrets in general. It's just not my style. They started talking more, and more, and him and I started to talk less and less. We still talked, mind you, but just not as often. I started to feel as if I was competing for his attention and when it comes to something I know I'll lose at...why bother competing?
Then he came over....and I was tired....and they weren't. They stayed up until 2:30 in the morning talking. I did everything I could to sleep. I listened to my headphones to drown out the dull noise I heard coming from the other room, I tossed, I turned....I was jealous. Crazy jealous.
Then he came over again....and the same thing happened all over again.
So I started to be a little more obvious that this whole situation was making me uncomfortable...and that maybe for a while if they hang out together and I'm not really included in what's going on...perhaps they could do it somewhere other than our apartment, or if I'm not home. I felt as if I was being replaced. I felt as if I was looking at my friendship being not important, not acknowledged and not cared about. No longer did my phone ring and Sterling's name popped up....her phone would ring. I would talk through her to talk to him. After pretty much losing all of my closest friends to MARRIAGE (.......) Sterling was the first person that I felt I could be myself around. I could make perverted jokes, and say whatever I wanted...and he would laugh or give a snide remark back. I was comfortable with him and he was safe. I didn't have to worry about being caught up in any stupid "love" drama because I knew that I was important to him, and that no matter what, he'd always tell me everything. I guess that is where I messed up. I guess that is where I thought there was more than perhaps there was. I still don't know....and I don't know if I ever will.
Suddenly I found myself in unfamiliar territory....and kept asking myself why I was so jealous. I had a crush on Sterling throughout our entire friendship, but truth be told, I have "crushes" on every good looking guy I'm friends with. That's just me. But now it was getting worse and worse...and I was getting more and more confused and frustrated.
Then, I snapped. They were at the apartment, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I said exactly what was on my mind at that very minute. Most of it was blunt, and some of it was even mean. I felt terrible afterwards. I was no longer comfortable in my own home. I felt trapped in my own tornado of emotions and decided to let the path of my storm fall right on the two of them.
So now, Sterling and I really don't speak at all. I hope that it will blow over soon. We're just giving one another some room to breathe. I'm not
in love with him like I thought I must have been or else why would I be so jealous, but do I love him? Absolutely. Did I put him on a pedestal? You bet. Is he still there? Of course. He did nothing wrong. Did it hurt to see him push me aside? Yes, a lot. Do I miss him? Terribly.
And to add to all of this MESS.....my sister, my rock, my confidant, and her little unborn baby are having complications. Can I tell you that the thought of losing a close family member....especially my sister, or the fact that she might have to suffer or be in pain, makes me ill. It tears me apart inside. I just need something GOOD to come along. Something that makes sense to happen.
It's taken a while to figure this all out....to see how every thing has led itself up to this moment in time. I stood in the rain last night for about 15 minutes and just listened. I felt each rain drop touch my skin. I felt each drop of moisture frizz out my hair. I just felt it all. I broke down. I painted. I talked. I cried. Today I feel better. Tomorrow, who knows. But my hope is in the up and up. Time has healed my heart many times before....and time stops for no man....so I'm sure that time is on my side once again.
-Court
