The Secret

Today as I was setting up the banquet room for an event this evening a little old man walks in and greets me. He asked me if I had a table I could help him set up for a display. He showed me the pictures that we was wishing to display and the first set of pictures were some very old wedding photos. Unbeknownst to me, I admired the photos and he thanked me. Then he admitted that those photos were him and his wife....50 years ago.

I'm not quite sure I had the reaction I did, but I immediately felt all warm and fuzzy inside, almost to the point of tears and congratulated him on his anniversary. He's just this little old man, all wrinkled and adorable, with his fading but still present dutch accent. He has worked for the air force in computers for most of his life and it is apparent that he has done many great things.

So, naturally, I asked him -- "So, what's your secret?"

He answered, " Well, you really know how much you love someone after you're retired." I agreed with him. I mean, your kids are gone, and neither of you are working. So you're stuck together again...only this time after years of things to keep you busy. We went on to discuss how that arrangement works out for him and his lovely wife. Then he told me, "The most important thing we give each other is plenty of space. If she wants to go somewhere, or do something, I let her do it and she does the same for me. I love my wife more now that I did 50 years ago."

Again....thank you, little old man, for putting me on the verge of waterworks. I was truly touched. I have watched a lot of failed marriages and it is so refreshing to see one that has made it. His name is Henny. I'm excited to see all of the people show up for their big celebration tonight. A 50th wedding anniversary is nothing to snuff at. I can only imagine how much hard work has gone into their marriage. I am so glad I met Henny today. It definitely gave me time to reflect on my own desires. But I think he gave fantastic advice. It's about support and love. It doesn't have to be a life where you're on top of each other. It's a team effort to get through life together. That's really all it is...and you have to love them and put their desires before your own. When he said space was what is the secret, what I realized is that by allowing someone space and time, in many ways you are being selfless. Most often times, our selfishness gets in the way of our relationships with people. So I am glad I met Henny. He brightened my day (that could also attribute to the fact when I told him I was not married his reply was "A beautiful girl like you is not married? How is that so?" .....). He made me remember who I am and who I want to be. Also, he helped me remember what I'm searching for. In this world, it is easy to get caught up in being snide or sarcastic. It is most definitely in my nature to tear others down with a quick witted side comment -- but as I've grown up I've realized that I what I want to be known for is something different than that. One day, while talking to Anthony (many of you will remember who I mean but for those who don't -- Anthony was my very first love and boyfriend. We reunited about 3 years after HS and remained very close friends after that. He wanted to get back together and I always refused him because of his lifestyle choices....He died last November of an overdose) on the phone, I asked him why, even though we are so different, he would want to be with me? His reply "because you're the sweetest girl I've ever known. You would do anything for anybody and you are genuine." Now, I don't know if I agree with him, but let me tell you that that thought has stuck with me for a long time now...and I strive for that. I want to be the sweetest girl, not the meanest girl or the most sarcastic girl. It takes time, but I'm starting to realize that love is the beginning and the end. It's not attraction that keeps a marriage going, or money, or material, shallow things, it's love and time and trust and selflessness.

Congrats on 50 years, Henny!