Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned.

Oh Alicia Keys, how you have a way with words.

Yes, it's a new decade and year, but moreso I can tell you that I have entered into a new phase of my life. It kind of sneaks up you over time. You start to notice things and make small changes and then WHAM, you realize that it is time to move on and make a change (I seriously have a buffet of song lyrics for the emotions and experiences in my life).

For as long as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. Now, for my fellow people pleasers, you can attest to the effort and heartache that often follows when you spend so much time and energy on making everyone else happy, only at the end of the day you feel empty inside and often a bit cheated because most of the people in your life are ones who rarely put as much effort into their relationships with you as you do with them. I don't always enjoy, well actually I rarely enjoy, putting my heart out there for the world to see but as I was reading some old journal entries today, I saw something happen. I saw a change.

I would like to share a couple of excerpts from past journal entries:

Aug 13, 2009

"If there is something I can pass on it's that life is hard, but in the end, life is beautiful. I don't always remember that myself, but there is so much beauty in this world. Never take it for granted. Flaws and experiences are what make us...and I believe that is why we are allowed to experience them. We do a great injustice to ourselves if we feel that life should be perfect or that we can be perfect. We must learn to rely on the Lord each and every day. I'm still learning this concept. And I still have so much more to learn. But it is through endurance that we find the strength to get through it all. The Lord will never leave us alone. I am so grateful for that."

Aug 24, 2009

I keep having this vision....and I've been having it for quite some time now. I live in a one story house, and I can see myself working out in the yard. It's a nice house and it has dark cherry cabinets and stainless steel appliances in the kitchen. I'm independently wealthy and I am making food for myself. My house is very well decorated and quiet. I have a private voice studio in the front room and a grand piano. I am a successful performer and live in a quiet neighborhood in a valley somewhere...or maybe even back in Indianapolis. But I feel like it's out west somewhere. Maybe California even? I'm in very good shape, and very happy. But alone. I am very involved in volunteering with kids and other programs and have dinner parties and such at my house for my close friends often. Is it weird that this is what I see? I honestly feel like I am at a point where I don't think I'm going to find someone. I know I'm only 25...and that's not really old at all....but for me, I need to find contentment on my own. Maybe that's what this vision is all about. I need to find happiness through service and doing what I love. It gets harder and harder to be rejected and ignored. So maybe I'll just stop putting myself in those positions. The hardest part of that will be the fact that I have lived my life at someone else's sake, if that makes sense. My actions are often dictated by other's plans. So as I work on this aspect of myself, hopefully I can find joy in doing some of my own things."

And I do feel that this song sums up some of how I felt about life....



I wanted to share that with you because I am really excited about what life has to offer me. I am finally starting to see life just as it is each day and I don't make assumptions about the future or feel that it is my responsibility to always give my two cents about every situation. We are who we are, and we will do what we do. I'm still working on this new phase, and I'm sure it will move on and evolve into another new phase eventually, but I guess what it boils down to is this. This is my time. It's not about someone else anymore.
I have always had someone, namely some guy, who I was ready to give my heart to on a moment's notice without even really thinking if it was best for either of us. I was too concerned with that to be concerned with myself and to really just put my head up and focus on what I can do to better myself and be happy. I no longer think that I need someone else to complete me. I simply want someone to share myself with, but what is even more important is I finally figured out that I am valuable and worth a little bit of a effort. Heck, I'm worth more than a little bit of effort. I am so blessed with a loving family and a handful of friends who lift me up and I only hope I do the same for them. I want to be self sufficient so that I can help others.

Being back at school can certainly present its share of challenges. Everyone on this campus, although we are all here for our education, seems to be concerned with dating and marriage. Over 30% of the student body is married (mind you, this university is all undergraduates and the average age of males is 22 and the average age of females is 20-21). Being 25, single, and not really an active dater isn't the ideal situation. However, if I can be happy here, despite that, I can be happy anywhere!

John Mayer is my music soulmate if I ever had one. He writes the most amazing songs...and this one right now could sum up how I feel...



Enjoy :)

I ♥ you all. May you find love and the things in life that make you truly happy!