Just a breif update.....

It's been a few days since I've actually "updated" on my life so I figured while I'm sitting here doing nothing I would take the time to update you all. I'm not sure how many people actually READ this....but I guess it's more for my own sake than anyone else's really.

Be careful what you pray for!!! LOL! Over the past several months I have been praying for a very specific thing...the opportunity to date more. I know, I know...it sounds totally cheesy and dumb, but I really missed dating and I'm starting to feel the need to start looking for a relationship and maybe more. I finally understand that patience and faith will lead me exactly where I need to go..but praying doesn't hurt!! I'm happy to report that I have had a semi active dating life for the past couple of months and it has been really nice!!! I haven't been dating anyone seriously, but I am going on a second date tonight with someone that I had a LOT of fun with the first time around. I've realized that my attitude towards who I am dating has changed a lot over the past few months as I've worked really hard to make some important changes in my life to prepare to go to the temple. I've been studying the Gospel much more and have taken my life a little more seriously lately...not too seriously mind you!! I still like to laugh as much as possible!!! But I try really hard to find a balance now...and I understand the Gospel much more than I ever have. I have been very blessed with personal revelations, promptings and whisperings from the Holy Ghost on helping me to better understand the Gospel and the Plan of Salvation. I believe in return, Heavenly Father is blessing me by giving me opportunities to date and start progressing towards that ultimate goal.

I've had a whirlwind however with employment over the past six months....I left Canal Overlook six months ago to take another opportunity at a larger community that paid more in Fishers....and to make a long story short, it just didn't work out. At the end of it all, I was struggling a lot with my panic disorder and finding myself having at least one panic attack on a daily basis. I assure you....NOT FUN! I feel so weak and inadequate when I suffer from panic because I feel like I have no control....even though I know in the back of my mind that I do have control! So I left that job (officially fired from my first job ever....) and found a job as a server at a really lovely italian restuarant downtown. I figured that this would be a great job to have while I go back to school...and it was much more flexible than the 9-6 gig I was used to working. So last week, I go in for a meeting....and they CLOSED the restaurant! Again, no job. I was so frustrated. Ironically enough, my old boss from Canal Overlook called me earlier in the previous week and asked if I would help in training yet another new manager. I declined at first....but seeing the situation I was in now, I called him back and was able to start on full time the next day. It's amazing to me how blessed I am to find new employment so quickly! haha. Although truth be told....I really really miss my restaurant. I loved working there...and it was the first job I think I've ever had that I truly enjoyed what I did. I never got bored! I hate being bored! lol. Desk jobs = BORING! So I'm still keeping my eyes open...

I also had gotten a pretty good grip on my panic attacks until a couple of weeks ago. I started feeling a little more anxious and panicky in the car and now I'm back to square one. I couldn't even drive to work yesterday!!! GRRR!!! SO FRUSTRATING! So today I took a "mental health" day as Kiera and I call it and am going to hit up the library to start reading up on the subject again. I know WHY I have them and what led up to them...it's a matter of having CONTROL over them that I still struggle with. I am lucky though...I have the best home teacher ever and he stopped by on Tuesday night to give me a blessing. The blessing helped and I know that the things that I was instructed to do in that blessing will help as well. I am so grateful for the preisthood!!!

I guess I don't have really anything "exciting" to share with you....just the hum drums of my day to day life. I am looking very forward to my picnic tonight. It's going to be like 30 degrees outside!!! HILARIOUS! So we def. have to go find someplace to warm up at afterwards. I'll try to take some pictures if Amy lets me borrow her camera.

Until we meet agian......

Court

Religion and Homosexuality....

I would like to preface this article by saying that I do not mean to offend....

You probably see them where ever you go. They wait on you at your favorite Italian Trattoria. They are in the musicals you watch, the clubs you dance at and I can guarantee that everyone knows someone like it. They are homosexuals.

Homosexuality is becoming, if it hasn’t already, the most widely acceptable alternative lifestyle in America. As a vocalist, I have known many homosexuals and find the idea of homosexuality and religion intriguing. While I was in college, I challenged myself to be more understanding and acceptable of homosexuality, yet found it increasingly difficult because I knew, and church doctrine supports, that acting on homosexual desires or behaviors is a grotesque sin. Many people would believe that the LDS church “hates gays”. I believe that although many LDS persons have been raised to believe that homosexuality is a sin, most do not “hate” anyone. It is simply against our spiritual lifestyles to “hate” anyone or anything. Over the past few years, I have done my best through prayer and my own investigating to discover for myself the unanswered mysteries of homosexuality. Almost every homosexual I know has said at one time or another that they were “born” as a homosexual and cannot change, therefore what kind of all loving God or Church would punish them for something they were born with?

Many of us are born with a particular genetic code that might enable us to act a certain way or to have tendencies to participate in certain behaviors that our peers might not naturally desire. I was born to be more prone to panic attacks. Then, because of my natural born tendency and the environment in which I have been raised, I have to work twice as hard, if not harder, to make sure that I am fighting against my panic. There are many that are born with a more sensitive nature towards becoming obese or an alcoholic. Therefore, many of us are “born” into several different categories. Homosexuality is just another category. Then, in addition to our predisposition, our environment as a child and adolescent contribute to our predisposed nature and eventually make or break our tendencies to the point where we indulge in our naughty desires. Alcoholism, Obesity and Homosexuality are all sins in the sight of the Lord. Alcoholics, Obese Persons, and Homosexuals have trials to overcome in order to not give into their predisposed natures. One might argue that if we are predisposed then why fight nature. I would argue that all of these lifestyles are dangerous and unhealthy to our minds, bodies and spirits. If you are homosexual, allow me to give you some scenarios of situations that might lead to your homosexuality. Many homosexuals are children who were raised in families where religion could have been forced upon you, or being overly “manly” was something that was emphasized. Also, a large majority of homosexuals have a lacking childhood relationship with their fathers and are exposed to an overbearing mother. This, in addition to your disposition ( or chemical imbalance) is what led you to homosexuality. Many men tell me that it’s the emotional relationship that they cannot have with a woman. This is because they lacked a paternal relationship as a child or adolescent and are transferring that need into their life partners. Many women who have close relationships with their fathers tend to date or marry men who have similar traits than that of their fathers. I could say the same of homosexuals, in particular men. Since they have no paternal love to compare to, they spend the rest of their lives feeling the need to be emotional and physically connected to a man that will love and support them.

With all of this said, who is to say that a homosexual (I’m referring to gay men in particular) are incapable of a satisfying and rewarding relationship with a woman? It will take time….a lot of time. Years could go by and the results could still be lacking. I fear that most often the undaunting task of attempting to be something that you feel is against your nature is so overwhelming that many feel a sense of hopelessness. Fact is fact that God does not agree with homosexuality. I don’t care who you are or what religion you belong to. If your Church’s doctrine allows homosexuality, then clearly Christ is not the head of your church. I know that Christ is in fact that head of my church, and that he loves us enough to have died for us. However, we are to show our appreciation for that act by being obedient to the commandments given to us by our heavenly father...he gave us these commandments as a way for us to be happy! Could you imagine if we all followed the Gospel Laws? What a wonderful, hate free world we would live in!!! Anyways, I hope that my comments have not offended anyone...but if anything, I hope that you have pondered these things for yourself.

Some random writings...

February 29, 2008 (Technically March 1, 2008 at 1:44am)

Brothers and Sisters,

I am writing this now because I know that what I want to say today, I knew at this moment. This week has been a bit of a challenge…most of you know that I am a server and I work a LOT. It’s trying on my brain, my body and my Spirit at times…but nonetheless, I know it is a blessing that I have it. Today (On Friday), on my way to work I was in a hurry, because I was running late (as I often do…) and so I was praying in my car. I asked the Lord two very specific things in this prayer…one, I needed to make good money today to make rent…and two, I wanted to be able to share with someone my knowledge of the Book of Mormon. Mark my words that the Lord answers our prayers…I didn’t make a fortune, but I made the most off my tables that I could have and was able to serve them well. Also, I was able to share with my co-workers more knowledge of the Book of Mormon.

I have a testimony of the power of prayer. However, more than anything, I want you to know that I have a testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing powers that are held within it. One day, I hope to kneel across an alter in a white dress before a man that I am willing to tolerate and love and all that other stuff for all time and eternity. There are many days that I feel that I don’t deserve that…and not only that I don’t deserve that, but that I don’t deserve a man who is “truly worthy” of the same thing. Then I remember the promise that is given…if we truly repent, he will remember our sins no more. They’re gone. They don’t exist. That is the healing power of the atonement…we are again made clean and pure. I am no more less worthy than anyone else….am I less naïve because I’ve made mistakes? Maybe. But in the sight of the Lord, because I have repented, I am equal. The day I was baptized, all of the sins committed prior to that day were forgiven…gone, finished. Each time I take the sacrament, each time I repent…those sins are gone, done, forgiven. We know this, but do we really stop to think about it? Because we are mortal and we have memories that are in tact….we continually punish ourselves. But I am sure of it that the Lord remembers them no more. If I continue to be obedient, and continue to repent when I make mistakes….I can stand spotless before my Maker. I can be with Him again. I have known this for quite sometime, but now I can see it, understand it and almost taste it. The For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet has increased from 16 pages to 43 pages since 1965….and I know it is for a reason. We are battling a much bigger and stronger war…Satan has sharpened his sword…so I know that means that many of us have bigger wounds and more battle scars. But with the blood of Christ, our wounds heal and our scars disappear. If we fight for Him, we will ultimately win, and we will truly be spotless…no battle wounds, no scars…just perfect.

A tragic farewell...

I don't know how to explain our relation...for there really isn't any blood shared, but my mom's very dearest friend in the whole world experienced a tragic loss today of her husband. She found him in the morning cold and then they realized that he had shot himself. He isn't young...he is well into his 70's...but still....I couldn't imagine. I am going to admit that I have dealt with suicidal thoughts in my past when dealing with anxiety, panic attacks and depression...but I just don't know how someone could actually go through with that!!!???
What breaks my heart the most is my dear family and how they are dealing with it all. My dear Aunt Lana...she has been like a second mom to me. Tammy and Tiffany...they are so upset. I was at work when Tiffany told me...and didn't do a very good job of keeping my composure. So yeah....today is a sad day. A tragic day.