A brief synopsis...

I don't actually know the meaning of "synopsis" but it sounded good...I think it means "summary" or something of the like...

It's Wednesday. My day off. I slept in until after one. Yikes!! I haven't done that in a while. I attempted to work out...but I just wasn't into it...so I'm going to try again later. I've really been slacking on my diet and exercise and I need to make sure that I keep losing weight!! I'm happy to report that I am now in a 16...which is two whole sizes smaller than I was around Oct/Nov. The key is to keep going. My goal size is an 8. So I'm not even half way there!!! But that's okay...because I don't anticipate making that goal until the fall or later of this year. My goal weight is 140....and I'm still pretty far off from that goal. I won't lie...being around yummy italian food all day is HARD! I need to start bringing stuff to work to eat...but then there's yummy food and I put aside my healthy stuff. I need to STOP doing that! I'm fairly active though, considering I spend almost 40 hrs a week walking around the restaurant. Also, playing volleyball on Wednesdays at church...although that isn't the most intense workout or anything. Anyways...that's my tangent on that.

I have found myself really contemplating where to go after my lease expires. I'm thinking of moving out to Salt Lake City...or maybe California..although Cali would be way scarier b/c I don't really know anyone there. I've still thought of moving to New York City. Although I do love my Indiana :) It's always been my home. Maybe I just need to get out more and I won't feel the urge to move! haha. Traveling is so expensive though! Not to mention I have to take off work to do that...which doesn't put any money in my pocket! I've come to the point in my life where the only thing I do know is that I have faith in the Lord to guide me. I need to continue to study the Gospel, to become a learned woman, go back to school to study something...although I'm not sure what...I thought I knew, but again, doubt. Maybe I could study psychology, or art history, or music. Last night I felt a strong prompting to really work on my talent of music...to expand it. I really want to learn how to play piano or guitar...or better yet...both! They are my favorite instruments and for a vocalist like me....I need to learn one of them!!!

So that's just a synopsis of my mind...although I might have lied a little when I said it would be brief.

xoxo, Court

Apparently Sundays are the best writing days....

Today was another day of reflection. I tend to do that on Sundays....this being the Sabbath and all. I spend a large majority of my day at church, so I spend a lot of my day thinking. Thinking sometimes gets me into trouble, but on Sundays, it seems to do more good than harm.

I woke up today is a very foul mood. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to make breakfast. I didn't want to do anything. But I got out of bed. I ate breakfast (thanks to Amy's yummy pancakes!) and even popped some bacon in the microwave. I showered, got dressed and went to church. I started to sit through relief society, and then my mind wandered as it often does, and went out in the hall. I think that Satan really works on me in Relief Society. I used to love it, but lately I just haven't really been motivated to sit through it. It's nothing against the teachers, I just don't know...it's totally me.
The good news is that I have been able to sit through Sacrament Meeting...and today, I am so grateful I did. Our topic was Adversity. Before Sacrament Meeting, I got to talk to one of my favorite women....Susie Snapp. Sister Snapp is probably one of the classiest, down to earth women I've ever met. I aspire to be her when I'm her age. She's simply fantastic. I can always count on her to give great pep talks and advice...and for some reason, I feel closer to my mom when I talk to her. Maybe it's the name, maybe it's because she wears fur....I just don't know! :)
So anyways....I love her.
Mallory got up and started speaking...and she said something that I not only needed to hear, I need to remember. We choose to be happy. And Heavenly Father wants us to enjoy our lives. He wants us to laugh and be happy. But happiness is a choice. I need to stop wanting and start appreciating! I'm in a very weird place in life right now....and instead of being bummed out about it, I need to look around and count my blessings! I need to do what I do best...and LAUGH! Enjoy life! It's too short to worry and wonder so much! Mallory's talk was followed by wisdom and encouragement from two of my favorite brothers...the Turner boys. Josh is a fireball with so much potential...and Nathan is a force to be reckoned with. He speaks like a man who will one day be a great leader in the Church...whether it be on a stake level or higher...Nathan is fabulous. His talk moved me and motivated me to just be better. To read my scriptures more often, to pray more often and to be all around a better daughter of God. So Nate-dawg, my dear lovely friend, if you're reading this, thank you for your words and your spirit. You are always my favorite! I've adored you since day one!

So on that note, my goal this week....be better and be happier! Enjoy life and love what you have instead of what you don't! There's normally a reason why you don't have something....whether it be a fault of your own or it's simply not meant to be. Nathan quoted a passage from Luke (i think...) today about when Christ went and prayed for Heavenly Father to remove "this bitter cup from me" but not because it was Christ's will, but only if it be his Father's will. Even Christ, a perfect man who needed not to suffer, took on all of our pains and heartache and transgression so that we might be able to live life eternal. He did it so that I can be with my family forever. He did it so that I could be happy. I wish I thought about that more. It's about commitment to the Gospel. I like that philosophy...committing. It takes true courage to commit.

On that note...my eyelids are heavy and my heart is full.

Good night.

xoxo, Court

Lovely Sabbath Day.

It's been an interesting day. An emotional day. A day of reflection. A day of rest. A good day.

Church was good. I am sad that I was dumb and skipped Relief Society yet again. I want to be there. I need to be there. Sunday School was great and I'm so glad I went. We do have a responsibility to be an example to those around us and to be teachers and doers of the Word. Sacrament meeting was also great. It was a time for me to really think about who I am and who I want to be. I was watching these two adorable boys today in the hallway and I realized that I so look forward to being a mom someday. I cannot wait to have a family of my own. I know that I need to prepare for it....even though the prospect of a boyfriend is not even remotely there...I know that if I remain righteous, I will have the opportunity to be a wife and a mother. Can you imagine me as a wife? Better yet, a mother? I feel weird saying this.....but I could be ready to be either of those things right now.

Tonight was probably the best part. Talking to Kiera. Oh how I miss my best friend so much. When I say she's my best friend....I don't mean that we hang out all the time and laugh at the same crazy things. We were destined to be friends and no matter how far, we will always have an unspeakable bond. She's amazing and I love her more than I will love anyone else besides my family and my husband. She says things and they feel familiar to me. She goes through life and I feel that I have a purpose...she knows how to give and take. She understands things and knows the right things even if she sometimes does the wrong. She is me...only not. hah. And I am a better person for having her in my life. And I know she feels the same way about me too. That's the best part.

I am so lucky. So lucky and blessed and am recommitting myself to doing the things I know are right. I haven't been "bad" per se, but I've been slacking on the details lately. Reading, praying, pondering, studying, and focusing.

Remember to be grateful...and my advice for today. Utilize the Sabbath...and talk to your best friend as much as you can. :)

Six years.

I can honestly say I remember six years ago almost like it was yesterday. It was sunny as could be, a little chilly outside, and I was preparing for the most important day of my life. No, I wasn't getting married or having a baby. As of now, those days are still a glimpse into the future and will become equally as important as this day. I was 17 and on the verge of adulthood. And about two weeks prior I had made a very big decision. A life altering decision. A decision that has greatly influenced the person I am today.
Six years ago I remember getting dressed in the white, not so flattering and slightly see through gown (don't worry, I wore a white shirt underneath). I looked across from me as I stepped into the warm, brilliant water and saw a boy, also dressed in white, that had become one of my dearest friends....my missionary. I remember Aubri's mom joking about how warm the water was with us. We joked about it being like a hot tub and she said "I don't know if I'd go around saying you were in a hot tub with a missionary!". Then, as my new friends and my dad witnessed, Quinn raised his right hand, I looked at him, he looked back, and with the power of the Holy Melchezidik Priesthood, and the divine authority to act in the name of God, I was fully immersed in the water, and came up a new, clean person. I had no idea what life would bring after this. I was unsure of the trials that lie ahead. I did, however, know that what I had just done was not only something I wanted, but without a doubt in my mind or soul, it was God's will for my life. I was now a member of Christ's church.
Six years later, and a lot of trials, tears, happiness, laughter, moves, boyfriends, best friends, and everything else that life brings, I still know that I am a member of Christ's church.

I want you to know that I do not mean to sound critical or demeaning of anyone else's religion, but as someone who has seen almost every religion this world has to offer, and after asking Heavenly Father himself on my knees with pure faith, I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true Church of Jesus Christ. The doctrines of salvation are full and complete and cannot be matched by any other religion out there. I know it is true, not because a man told me to believe it, I know it is true because just as in the book of James, Chapter 1...I asked God himself and I received personal revelation. I know that what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints teaches is the only church with the absolute correct and full doctrine and is not led by man....for a man is not the head of our church, but Jesus Christ himself leads and directs us through the power of his priesthood and the direct revelation that is given to us through the Holy Spirit. I know that we must be baptized by a man who holds the Priesthood of God and then confirmed a member of His Church by the laying on of hands. This priesthood that I speak of was lost after Christ's death but was restored after Christ and Heavenly Father revealed themselves to a boy named Joseph Smith. This priesthood has been passed down from this line ever since. I know that Joseph Smith had a vision of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in a grove of trees as a young boy. I cannot begin to fathom his courage or experiences he must have had once he realized the enormous work and responsibility that had been given to him, even as a fourteen year old boy! I know that if you want or need answers to life's most difficult questions, you can find them for yourself through studying the full gospel of Christ.
Members of my faith are constantly under fire for our beliefs, yet I fear that is because if the world were actually to open their eyes and listen and ask for themselves, they might have to sacrifice the worldly pleasures in life in order to do what they know is right. Not just what they think is right. It is made more sure to me everyday that most people are completely unaware of even a small idea of what our Church teaches or what we, as members of this Church, actually believe and practice. I testify to you that Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven are very real. I have a very personal relationship with them both. I am grateful for my knowledge because without it, one truly does not understand the purpose of our mortal lives. We were given our bodies as a gift and opportunity. I encourage you all to seek the answers to your most burning questions about this life.
If I had to do it all over again six years ago, I would never, ever, do it differently. For I stand as a witness and a daughter of God. I am not perfect, for I am a human, and I would never claim to be perfect. But I try and will continue to try to stand for all things good, virtuous, uplifting, loving, and lovely. I will always stand as a witness of Him in all things and in all places to the best of my ability. I love my Redeemer and I love my God.

I say these things in his name, even Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Happy Valentine's Day

I've decided that bitterness only causes more anquish, so I'm going to try a different route. Just having fun. Enjoying life. Happy Valentine's Day one and all. I have many people that I love, and that love me....and that's what this day is about more than anything. Good ol' LOVE. :)

The theme continues....

I think I have officially become bitter. Down. Right. Bitter.

Men are shallow assholes is pretty much where I am at right now with life. I apologize for the language but that is pretty much how I feel right now. Im sorry if you feel that you are a man who is not a shallow asshole. I say "Prove It" to you. Prove to me that wit, intelligence, talents and kindness mean more than a cute body. I am working my ass off to lose weight just so I hopefully wont be dismissed and might actually get someones attention. To top it off, it seems that my closest friends are the ones who are hooking up with the guys I'm interested in. I know that me complaining isnt the most attractive quality but with this being the week of Valentines Day and everyone around me cuddling, holding hands, spending so much time together, and just being plain happy because they have someone just starts to wear on a girl.

The worst part is that if I DIDN'T live by the morals that I have, I COULD have a boyfriend. I get asked out by lots of guys who are nice. But they arent members of my church, and they arent what Im looking for. If you know what you want, why would you settle for anything less than that? And no, I will no lower my standards. Id rather be alone. But yes, I can still complain. Thats why I have a blog for crying out loud. It turns out that men who are members of the church who are attractive to me are the worst kind of man. I just don't think that I'm this disgraceful, disgusting person that I start to feel more and more like everyday. I feel worthless because Im not thin. I don't think I'm ugly....but maybe I see something different than everyone else. I just don't get it anymore....and I don't know what else to do or say.......................................

I wonder....

Sometimes I get so annoyed and I know that I shouldn't. If I was some needy, dumb girl would I get more guys to pay attention? What's the deal with that?

Anyways....that's my mean thought.

I need to be more like Jesus.

Waste of Day Wednesday.

So Wednesdays are pretty much my only days off (except for Sundays) since I've started this new job. I always tell myself that Wednesdays will be the day to clean the apartment and do the 5.35 loads of laundry that are piled up in my closet. So I woke up at noon.....and played on the computer until 1:30 or so......then showered and went to meet with this guy about a possible job...more on that in a minute.....and now I'm back at home and realized that I hadn't eaten yet today and was a little hungry so I fixed a cheese burrito and had some tortilla chips. It's a very nutritious meal if you're on a constipation and carbohydrates diet. Now I'm sitting here on my computer once again...which apparently I'm addicted to....and cannot seem to motivate myself to do anything. I kind of want to take a nap. This is probably the most frustrating aspect of my job...I work these crazy hours and I am exhausted all of the time. Literally ALL of the time. I could barely stay awake at church on Sunday because I was recovering from a 12 hour shift. And I've yet to motivate myself to do anything other than sit here...because in order to clean, I have to pick up all of Amy and Alise's messes (and I just don't feel like doing that) and in order to do laundry, I have to go down to Mike's Carwash to trade in cash for quarters. That would involve me getting changed, getting back into my car, driving down the street in five o'clock traffic and then driving all the way back....and I won't even have enough time to do a load before church starts. So I guess we've established that I'm not going to be doing laundry right now. I should really eat something more than cheese and flour but since our kitchen is a mess (and mind you not MY mess), I don't really want to cook anything. So basically I'm sitting on the couch on my lazy arse and not doing anything. A nap is sounding better and better.

I sometimes wonder, well actually I often wonder, if anyone other than Kiera and Quinn read my blog. Ah, oh well, even if they are the only ones...I enjoy writing it.

So I was playing on the computer today and came across a job posting as a personal assistant for the owner of Indy Stage and Sound. It's a sound equipment company on the southwest side of Indy. Small company but does pretty good business. I met with the owner, Dave and chatted with him. All in all if I wanted a new job, I could have one. The downside is this....$10/hr. For most people my age they would jump at a $10/hr job. For me though....not so much. $10/hr wouldn't make a dent in my monthly expenses which is sad. I think it could be fun...but after I keep thinking about it....I just don't know if I feel good about it. I feel good about going back to school. So I'm beginning to think more and more that Satan is using this as a temptation to keep me from doing what I need to do....and I need to continue on getting an education. I think I'm going to postpone Culinary School and go back to IUPUI and start on my bachelor's first. That's going to be the longest endeavor and I am ready to get started with it already. I could go part time and continue working. However, I do know that I need to figure out a better schedule for work in order to make the most money without working these insane hours.

We shall see. Have I mentioned that I love my new laptop? Oh, I do. I really, really do.

Peace.

xoxo, Court

My non existent Valentine...

No, this is not a "feel sorry for me because I don't have anyone" blog. It's a "I just want to complain for a few minutes about that fact that I don't have a boyfriend" blog.



Have I mentioned that I miss having someone lately? It's a bit of a theme I fear. It seems that everyone around me has someone......or a few people....but me? Nope. I stand alone in a crowd. I can't lie and say that I'm not lonely, because truth be told, I am ever increasingly lonlier. I know, I know...."you'll find someone someday, Courtney". It's what they all say. It's what I say. But honestly, I don't care about finding "the one" right now. I just miss having someone to kiss, hold their hand, put my hand on their leg and to have someone put their arm around me, hold me or cuddle with me. I'm beginning to wonder if there really is something wrong with me. I don't think I've ever had a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. I think I may just accept the fact that I will always be the one who is happy for my friends, instead of happy for myself. I look around and it seems so easy for everyone else....but it's just so hard for me. After years of rejection and "best friends" I think I've built up a pretty hardcore wall and don't know if I'm capable of letting someone in for real. I honestly don't know anymore. I've heard many say that "life without love isn't life at all". I ponder this phrase quite a bit sometimes. I've seen and experienced love and understand how it can take hold of us and quite possibly can cause the most joy or most pain we are capable of experiencing. So what then happens to us who live their lives without great love? Do we force ourselves to be happy? Do we live less fulfilling lives because we don't have love? Although I know my life would be different if I sacrificed my morals and standards....because I have chosen to date only those who share my morals and beliefs. I just don't know what to think or feel about love anymore. I think I may have forgotten what it's like. I just wish I had someone to remind me.

..............

It's here!!!

My dear friends you are going to be so excited to know that I now own my own computer....a nice little fancy notebook computer that a very nice friend sold to me for a super bargain. It's SO nice to have my own computer again...and a laptop at that so I can take it with me anywhere! How exciting! haha. This means that you will be getting much more frequent updating from yours truly and I know you are excited about that!

My job is working me to my death but it's going pretty well and I like it thus far. I am anxious to get school started and hopefully get my schedule settled down a bit. I have pretty much no social life now that I work alllll weekend long but right now, I don't really mind because I make really good money on the weekends. When the summer hits....that might be a different story :) But who knows. I am really looking forward to warmer, sunnier weather, leaves on the trees and the smell of summer air. I am on break right now in between my shifts at work....I go back in a couple of hours. So I am going to take a little cat nap and then head back to work.

Until we meet again....

Court