Life without Mom.

The last 11 years haven't been a walk in the park many times. The first 3 years after my mom died were nothing short of traumatic. I couldn't sleep or eat. I would wake up screaming. I always thought I was dying. I turned to partying with my friends and making out with guys as my refuge.

I would never want to say I'm happy that my mom left this earth when she did. I miss her every day. I miss her laugh, her smile, her words of wisdom....I just miss having a mom. And boy, was I lucky to have that one. She was the most loving, compassionate woman. She taught me how to love. I think job well done for her.

But today marks a new day. Even this year, I used the anniversary of her death as an excuse as to why I shouldn't be happy or to look for pity. No more. My mom was tremendous and her wish was for me to be happy...happier than she was and to be more than she became....because she knew she made a lot of mistakes in her life. We all have, have we not?

Today I am happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I'm happy because I know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and is aware of me. I have a Savior. He cares for me and he paid the ultimate price for my sake. Heavenly Father knew that I would face great challenges in my life, losing my mother being one of the hardest by far, but not only did He know I could take my lemons and make some fabulous lemonade, I know that before this life, I made a choice. I know that we are and were before this mortal life. I know this because I have had the witness of the Holy Spirit bear record of this truth upon my heart. We are spiritual beings, given a body and the opportunity to progress and learn through the trials and glories of life, so that we might have our own worlds without end. We have been given a plan, even a plan of happiness so that we might have joy in this life amongst ALL that life can dish out for us. We must follow that plan. I'll come right out and say that life could be good without this knowledge, there are many seemingly happy people in this world who lack this wisdom...but why settle for good, when you can be given the BEST. I know that when we follow the Gospel and we live for righteousness' sake, we are blessed beyond measure. We are given the best that this life has to offer, temporally and spiritually. I am eternally grateful for the gift I was given to have a mother who only needed 13 years to teach me a lifetime worth of knowledge. What an incredible woman she was to be able to do that?! And believe me when I say that she covered a lot of ground despite my young age. Not only do I know that we existed before this mortal experience, I know that we will continue on after this life. I know that there is more to this that what meets the eye. And in addition to that, we can be with our families forever. The sealing power of Heaven is right here on this earth. No more "til death do us part" mumbo jumbo. We have the gift of eternity.

I know that Christ lives. I know that I will be reunited with my mother someday. Just as she saved me....I too, have the power to help her reach salvation and ultimately, exaltation in the presence of our Father in Heaven as an eternal family.

Aw look! Re-design!

So I must say that I'm pretty dag-on proud of myself for figuring out how to change my blog template and background all by myself! I am pretty content with the new look. I would rather it be pink, or blue, or something other than gray, but I need to look up some color codes before I go messing around with it anymore. But seriously, what do you think!?

So the last couple of days have been pretty great. This week in general has been all in all fantastic. I have had some "come to Jesus" journal entries with myself (let's be real...I do this often) and am putting a new spin on some of my old ways.

Here's what I've discovered (something that you probably figured out a long time ago by reading my blog and that I've only recently realized because of my denial):

I've turned into a bitter, cynical woman. (Okay, that sounds a bit over the top, but no, really...I have)

I've become a bit obsessed with trying to do something the way others want them done. (Never a healthy thing)

I thought that in order for someone to love you, you had to become them. (This was probably the most interesting discovery thus far...and a recent, late night one at that)

So.....pretty interesting list, I'd say. Especially that last one. I just came up with that last night...I was ranting and raving (yes, despite my ramblings on this blog, I actually keep an actual journal...okay, actually, I have TWO more journals in addition to my blog. Don't judge me people. I've got a lot to say) about my most recent phone conversation with "le friend" (code name people...just follow along) and trying to once again analyze every detail of my post conversation emotions when WHA-BAM....the whole concept was right there in black and white before my eyes. I had starting pondering the fact that I was taking on certain qualities of "le friend" but then after I got off the phone last night, I pretty much yelled on my computer. (It was 1:30am..and I was tired...in my defense)

I decided last night that I've pretty much had enough of feeling like elephant dung and needed to wake up and put on my excited about life clothes and get on with it. I mean, really, what is there to be mad about?! Okay, so I've had some pretty shisety (no it's not a real world, and no, I'm positive it's misspelled) things happen to me but haven't we all really? Does anyone have perfect and great things happen to them all the time?

It all comes with great timing as this weekend is official "black cloud over Courtney's head" weekend. Sunday will be the 11th anniversary of my mother's death. It's not exactly my favorite topic of discussion. More on that at another time....

Interestingly enough, Le friend and I have some interesting little "in commons". And the topper is the fact that our mom AND dad have the same names. I don't think it has any random significance or anything, but nonetheless, Le friend and I have a lot of in commons...and this one is probably my most favorite.

So tonight I'm going to glory in the beautiful sunset amongst fellow Mormon friends and possibly even put on a bathing suit. I might even take off the clothes over the bathing suit insomuch as to actually get IN the pool. I assure you though....I'm not getting my hair wet. Meh, I guess that means I should probably shave my legs, huh?

Help...

Could someone tell me how to put a design background on my blog? I want to do something pretty....but not sure how. :(

I am looking forward to the leaves falling. I need the leaves to fall...because then that means that the summer is gone...and the passing of another season, just as the leaves change their colors, I can put behind me the hot summer days and cozy up to the brisk, cool days of autumn. I like to use the change of a season to re-evaluate and gain a fresh perspective on where I'm at in life.

I hate to say I'm wishing time away, because I definitely want to enjoy my last few weeks here in Indiana...but I spent so much of the last year sad or frustrated with how things were going in my life, that I did a pretty decent job of alienating myself or limiting myself to a very small circle of friends. So I'm not even sure that my departure will have that big of an impact. I'm sure I'll be missed, at least I would hope that I would be missed...but all in all, I think I've met my welcome in good 'ol Indiana for a while.

There are so many unknowns in the months ahead...I guess there are always elements of the unknown in our future, but moving to a place that I've never been, never seen...that's new territory for me. I've always known Indiana. I know it as much as I know myself.

So these next few months I'm going to not only spend time with friends and family, I'm going to spend time with Indiana. I am going to make sure my favorite places aren't forgotten and the autumn leaves know that I'll never forget them.

Here's to you Indiana. Let's see what the new season brings.

Bittersweet Farewell...

Officially, after two rounds and almost three years, I have said goodbye to Canal Overlook Apartments for the last time. I gave my notice today and left. Most of you know if you follow my blog that my job, mainly my boss, has been a serious source of stress in my life over the last few years. We are literally polar opposites...me being the positive and him the negative. We have had arguments, laughter, more arguments, and more arguments, and I wish I could say that I respect him as a businessman, but unfortunately it's kind of like when you learn from your parents mistakes how to be better parents...Well in this case, I'm learning how to do better business by watching him do bad business. I don't want to speak to ill of him because as a Christian, I do my very best to love everyone. He has more than tested that....I've been more upset at his behalf than any other human being I have ever encountered. I'm sure he might be able to say the same for me. We just don't see eye to eye...he thinks I'm too young, and I think he's too....well...mean and greedy? That's the best description I could come up with.

So now, for my last months in Indiana, I will be an admin assistant to a friend of mine who is a software developer. I couldn't have found a better job if I could have picked it out myself. It is such a blessing. And I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for the opportunity he has given me to spend the last few weeks in Indiana working for the same amount of money, with more flexibility and better hours. I start tomorrow. I'm excited!

I am really, truly content. And for the first time in the last few months....I feel peace. Life never has and never will be eutopia...but focusing on what's important, and prioritizing can really bring that peace. First, God. Second, yourself (meaning mental and physical health), and then serving those around you....you will be the most beneficial if you work in that order. Now, granted, I just started putting this practice into motion, but I assure you that I have had some interesting curve balls thrown at me in the last couple of weeks alone that I could have and WOULD have handled differently if I wasn't close to the Spirit and not putting myself in the running on the priority list. I'm not necessarily handling them perfectly now either...but I know that I am letting the chips fall where they may and worrying about how I can be an instrument in the hands of the Lord without how it will benefit me anymore. Enough is enough when it comes to doing something because you expect something in return....that only brings frustration, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. I've learned that you can't rely on other people to make you feel worthwhile by expecting them to put you first. You have to know that the Lord is never going to leave you and that you need to do what's best for you to progress towards returning to him.....and let the chips fall where they are meant to be.

Two great quotes:

1st....a German proverb that I now have on my mirror....Love the world as it is, not as you think it ought to be.

2nd...words of wisdom from Lynn Gotts....Put your oxygen mask on first, and then assist those around you. How can you help others if you aren't able to breath?

Okay loves...I'm off to enjoy the rest of my evening!

Um, yes please. No, one of the those.

It's a rather unfortunate thing that reading makes me so sleepy. It doesn't matter what I'm reading, or how interesting or non-interesting it is...afterwards, I always have to take a nap. Perhaps I need a better place to read instead of laying down in bed. Yes, that's in fact, I'm sure, the issue.

After finishing a book by a great writer, I find myself re-inspired to be more creative in my own writing. I'm sometimes surprised that I have become so fond of writing. English was always my strongest subject in school, so I don't know why I would be surprised. I have been writing since I was about 12 or so. I remember writing these oh-so-intense poems that my mom would read and say "Wow, Court." I still have one of my journals from that time...and I find myself being a little impressed myself.

What an adventure life takes us on, doesn't it!? I find myself standing somewhere staring at someone in an inquisitive gaze wondering who they are and what their story entails. What makes them who they are and how did they get to where they are today? Do you ever do that? Or is it just me? I did that last night standing at the checkout lane at Target. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it out of judgement....for instance, if I see someone who appears less fortunate than myself, I sometimes assume that they have struggled with something or have a weakness that does not allow them to be "normal" like the rest of us. I probably shouldn't do that....but still, I find myself doing it. I think I do it with everyone. The human mind and human behavior is really a point of interest for me. I thought of majoring in Psychology at one point in time, but the fact of the matter is that I'm afraid if I knew how the brain worked instead of my own hypothesizing , I would analyze things worse than I already do. I'm more times than not, my own worst enemy at assuming a situation. The behaviors of others to me are like little signs they wear on their chests telling me who they are and what they stand for. Some do a better job of hiding their signs, but all in all, if you really get to know someone, their sign eventually lights up. If I'm really close to someone, it's like a neon sign....but sometimes, hopefully more times than not, I hope for my assumptions to be wrong. I like surprises. The fact that I don't get surprises all that often frustrates me.

So this last week has been um, interesting to say the least. My a-ha moment on Monday has posed some unforeseen twists and turns. I can't say this week has been that big of a difference in weeks previous, although my intentions were to make it so....but I have spent a little more time with myself and doing my best to be positive and happy about life. Our attitude towards life really makes life what it is or is not. I've been struggling with letting go of my friend and allowing him to lead his own life...while I live my own. I had decided that I wasn't going to call him, or text him, or invite him anywhere....so what does he do? He texts me. He calls me. He stops by my office out of no where. Okay, really?! You couldn't read my mind to know that I was trying to forget you existed? That's what is different about this time. I don't want to forget. Even when I try, it's impossible. Even if it hurts, it has been worth it to see what you are becoming. It's a transition, you see. Because I wouldn't dare want to let this one go completely....he means too much. It's like watching a movie with a happy ending....and I can't let go yet, because I don't know the ending. AHA! That's what it is! I just need to know the end of the story and I can move on....wait, um, one problem with that....that requires patience. Lucky for me, Heavenly Father has been giving me situations in my life which requires mass amounts of patience. I dare not say I'm good at it...because then I would be tested even more. But I do dare say that I'm living my own life, and am starting to put you in the area where you belong. I'll be okay on your pedestal. You can even have someone else in your arms. Deal? Deal. (I'll update you as to the real answer and if in fact, the deal is sealed)

I can't tell you what life is really about...other than growing closer to God and preparing for the next life...but I don't want to focus SO much on the next one that I miss this one. My passions and zeal can take over sometimes if I live too much in the moment. I feel too much. I think WAY too much. Why can't I be one of those ignorantly happy people who goes about life not understanding it? I have experienced too much, felt too much joy and too much pain I guess. When you lose a parent as a child, there is a whole new dimension that comes into play. You are no longer naive to the idea that something you love so much can't be taken from you. At the age that most children are riding their bikes and wondering what's for dinner, I'm thinking about how death works and how I'm going to possibly get along in life without my best friend as I'm riding my bike and thinking about how the dinner that is being cooked won't be nearly as good as the dinners my mom used to make.

Call me crazy. Call me Courtney. Call me a worrier. Call me a realist.

I call myself all of those things from time to time.

For now, I should get back to my blessed life. It is a blessed life. Yes, I am blessed with material things but above all, I am blessed to have the knowledge of a Savior. A knowledge of his infinite atonement, and of the power that we ALL have because of it. I am blessed because I have been given friends and family who love me, who encourage me, who are there for me, who do their best to understand me.

I've explored the idea that I may never get married. And maybe I won't. But I can never say that I'm not loved. I can never say that I'm not appreciated. And if I love God and myself, I can be content and fulfilled regardless. Sure, I hope to be married. I hope to have children that I can raise and watch grow and abound to be the creative little snots that I will hopefully raise them to be...and I have faith that I will have those things...someday. But not having them right now is His will. And if I want to have an eye single to the glory of Him, then His will is my will. Right now, it's more important for me to keep growing and learning. Imagine how much more knowledge and patience I will have with my family after experiencing the trials I have had single?

Okay....that's my food for thought. I gave you lots to chew on today. I had a lot in my mind...and what a blessing it is to be able to put it out there for the world to judge me. HA. Oh and thanks for the recent feedback I have been getting...it's nice to know that I'm not only writing this for me, but for you too.

The wisdom of my very best friend.

"As frequently quoted as this scripture is, we tend to forget it: "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25) Now, I'm a firm believer that the word joy in that scripture denotes many things, one of them being the gospel of Jesus Christ - the "good news" of our Savior. I also believe that men ARE, meaning we are here on this Earth as a result of our own choice, to experience joy, happiness, love, and all that is in that. But it's our choice, just like it was our choice to come to Earth, just like it's our choice to wake up each morning. It's in our power."


Kiera is wise. She is my best friend. I love her because no matter how far, now matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other....she's right there. She still knows just what to say to help me in my time of need...even if it's not directly to me.

I'm so blessed to have a friend like her in my life.

I'm blessed in a lot of ways. And I think I might actually start to realize it. Heavenly Father might have allowed me to live my life without a mother, but he has never let me walk alone. Why did it take me so long to understand that?

A-ha and self discovery.

Monday was an interesting day....
It started with a lack of sleep and lots of tears. It ended with me coming to a realization that for 11 years I have been trying to fill the void of losing the one person in my life who always put me first. That is what I have always desired....someone who puts me first. I put them first, so I expect the same back...only I finally figured out that you can't force someone to do that. Not to mention my habit of picking these men who are not emotionally available and want to put me first. It's not good enough for me to be a great friend...I want to be first.

Well...enough is enough.

My ever increasingly wise assistant Lynn told me the following...and I think it is shear genius:

"Courtney, flight attendants instruct you to put on your oxygen mask first and then assist those around you. Tell me, how can you assist those around you if you can't breathe yourself? Put your mask on first, and then assist those around you."

Good, huh? Yeah, I thought so as well.

I have four months before I leave for Idaho and flip my life upside down. So these next four months are going to be about healing. Healing from years of not ever really taking the time to grieve. Healing from a broken heart. Putting myself first and being my own #1. I think right now it's important while I can be selfish, to do it. Granted, I'm not going to forget those around me..I'm still a daughter of God and a Saint, at that, so serving others is always on my list...

For those who lose their life for my sake shall find it.

It's well said. I like it :)

I'm up to the challenge. I know that Satan is going to continue to throw obstacles in my way....trying to throw me off track....but I know where my rock is, and it's the Gospel of Christ. It will take me higher than anywhere Satan would want to drag me to.

Peace, friends. Peace.

Guess what?

I'm writing a book.

No, seriously....

Peace be still.

It's 5:30 in the morning and my mind is racing. This beach....that is where I need to be. Clarity. Peace. Serenity.

I am so distracted. I can't keep my focus. I'm in this "friendship" but is it benefiting me at all? Or is it constantly making me second guess myself...knocking me down...instead of building me up. I always feel inadequate....like I'm not good enough. I know that's not true, but it's hard to convince yourself otherwise at times.

I have this picture in my head. This picture of what I want for my life. But how do I get there? And more importantly, is that Heavenly Father's will for my life? I just need to pray. I've been praying, but again, even my prayers have been distracted. Ugh...so confused on what to do.

You wouldn't even see this coming, but I assure you it boils down to the fact that a girl needs a daddy who tells her she's beautiful. That was something that I thought of and it makes logical, psychological sense. My whole life I have been reassured of who I am by women, not men. Therefore, as an adult, I tend to seek approval and need that reassurance from men who are much like my own father....that is, men who don't freely hand out those compliments, or better yet, men who simply call it as they see it. I wonder sometimes if my dad thinks that I'm pretty. I've never asked him. He's never said it. Isn't that interesting that I would like all of this to that fact? It certainly came out of no where for me. I was thinking and thinking about all of these things going on in my head and then, WHAM, it all clicked. So men, if you ever have a daughter, the best thing you can do for her is support her and more importantly, tell her that's beautiful from time to time.

Okay....back to focusing. What to focus on? Developing my talents. Creating a plan. Focus on what's important (e.g growing closer to the Lord). Remember who I am.

Again, that male/female relationship is still one that baffles me. I still find myself saying, "what does it boil down to". I think I know. But I'm still hoping someone will prove my theory wrong. My theory is that when it comes to men, their first priority is physical attraction. When it comes to women, their first priority is being with someone that makes them feel physically attractive. I am not saying that this is the ONLY thing that's important, but I am saying that this appears to be the FIRST thing. Beauty is only skin deep and will only get you so far, but it does seem to get one farther along than someone who, by definition, is not "beautiful". Don't read too far into that theory, but as someone who pays attention to the aesthetic aspect of many things, I understand it's importance.

So I pose these questions (and although no one else might understand these questions....I know what they mean)....

What about your car don't you like?
What about your car do you like?
You say you get caught up in the moment with you car....and you forget that it's not really the car you want....what catches you up in the moment?
What car is it that you're really looking for?

.................................

FOCUS.


Okay...maybe now I can go back to sleep for an hour before my alarm goes off.....LAMMMMEEE.