It's a rather unfortunate thing that reading makes me so sleepy. It doesn't matter what I'm reading, or how interesting or non-interesting it is...afterwards, I always have to take a nap. Perhaps I need a better place to read instead of laying down in bed. Yes, that's in fact, I'm sure, the issue.
After finishing a book by a great writer, I find myself re-inspired to be more creative in my own writing. I'm sometimes surprised that I have become so fond of writing. English was always my strongest subject in school, so I don't know why I would be surprised. I have been writing since I was about 12 or so. I remember writing these oh-so-intense poems that my mom would read and say "Wow, Court." I still have one of my journals from that time...and I find myself being a little impressed myself.
What an adventure life takes us on, doesn't it!? I find myself standing somewhere staring at someone in an inquisitive gaze wondering who they are and what their story entails. What makes them who they are and how did they get to where they are today? Do you ever do that? Or is it just me? I did that last night standing at the checkout lane at Target. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it out of judgement....for instance, if I see someone who appears less fortunate than myself, I sometimes assume that they have struggled with something or have a weakness that does not allow them to be "normal" like the rest of us. I probably shouldn't do that....but still, I find myself doing it. I think I do it with everyone. The human mind and human behavior is really a point of interest for me. I thought of majoring in Psychology at one point in time, but the fact of the matter is that I'm afraid if I knew how the brain worked instead of my own hypothesizing , I would analyze things worse than I already do. I'm more times than not, my own worst enemy at assuming a situation. The behaviors of others to me are like little signs they wear on their chests telling me who they are and what they stand for. Some do a better job of hiding their signs, but all in all, if you really get to know someone, their sign eventually lights up. If I'm really close to someone, it's like a neon sign....but sometimes, hopefully more times than not, I hope for my assumptions to be wrong. I like surprises. The fact that I don't get surprises all that often frustrates me.
So this last week has been um, interesting to say the least. My a-ha moment on Monday has posed some unforeseen twists and turns. I can't say this week has been that big of a difference in weeks previous, although my intentions were to make it so....but I have spent a little more time with myself and doing my best to be positive and happy about life. Our attitude towards life really makes life what it is or is not. I've been struggling with letting go of my friend and allowing him to lead his own life...while I live my own. I had decided that I wasn't going to call him, or text him, or invite him anywhere....so what does he do? He texts me. He calls me. He stops by my office out of no where. Okay, really?! You couldn't read my mind to know that I was trying to forget you existed? That's what is different about this time. I don't want to forget. Even when I try, it's impossible. Even if it hurts, it has been worth it to see what you are becoming. It's a transition, you see. Because I wouldn't dare want to let this one go completely....he means too much. It's like watching a movie with a happy ending....and I can't let go yet, because I don't know the ending. AHA! That's what it is! I just need to know the end of the story and I can move on....wait, um, one problem with that....that requires patience. Lucky for me, Heavenly Father has been giving me situations in my life which requires mass amounts of patience. I dare not say I'm good at it...because then I would be tested even more. But I do dare say that I'm living my own life, and am starting to put you in the area where you belong. I'll be okay on your pedestal. You can even have someone else in your arms. Deal? Deal. (I'll update you as to the real answer and if in fact, the deal is sealed)
I can't tell you what life is really about...other than growing closer to God and preparing for the next life...but I don't want to focus SO much on the next one that I miss this one. My passions and zeal can take over sometimes if I live too much in the moment. I feel too much. I think WAY too much. Why can't I be one of those ignorantly happy people who goes about life not understanding it? I have experienced too much, felt too much joy and too much pain I guess. When you lose a parent as a child, there is a whole new dimension that comes into play. You are no longer naive to the idea that something you love so much can't be taken from you. At the age that most children are riding their bikes and wondering what's for dinner, I'm thinking about how death works and how I'm going to possibly get along in life without my best friend as I'm riding my bike and thinking about how the dinner that is being cooked won't be nearly as good as the dinners my mom used to make.
Call me crazy. Call me Courtney. Call me a worrier. Call me a realist.
I call myself all of those things from time to time.
For now, I should get back to my blessed life. It is a blessed life. Yes, I am blessed with material things but above all, I am blessed to have the knowledge of a Savior. A knowledge of his infinite atonement, and of the power that we ALL have because of it. I am blessed because I have been given friends and family who love me, who encourage me, who are there for me, who do their best to understand me.
I've explored the idea that I may never get married. And maybe I won't. But I can never say that I'm not loved. I can never say that I'm not appreciated. And if I love God and myself, I can be content and fulfilled regardless. Sure, I hope to be married. I hope to have children that I can raise and watch grow and abound to be the creative little snots that I will hopefully raise them to be...and I have faith that I will have those things...someday. But not having them right now is His will. And if I want to have an eye single to the glory of Him, then His will is my will. Right now, it's more important for me to keep growing and learning. Imagine how much more knowledge and patience I will have with my family after experiencing the trials I have had single?
Okay....that's my food for thought. I gave you lots to chew on today. I had a lot in my mind...and what a blessing it is to be able to put it out there for the world to judge me. HA. Oh and thanks for the recent feedback I have been getting...it's nice to know that I'm not only writing this for me, but for you too.
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