Giving thanks.

Don't you just LOVE thanksgiving? I mean, I really do love it. It has to be my favorite holiday of the year, I think. There's no gifts involved...just family, good food, and maybe some football action. It normally isn't snowy yet. The weather is cold enough where you can wear a scarf but not a coat. It's just dog-on nice.

Yesterday was a crazy, jam-packed day for me. I had not one, not two, but THREE Thanksgivings to attend. In addition to the branch's annual turkey bowl game in the morning. Gotta love gettin all down and dirty with your friends in a rousing game of flag football.

All three thanksgivings were a blast. I always love seeing my sisters, parents, nieces and nephew. It's never a dull moment when we're all together. I think my favorite part was Jaime, Jennifer, Chris and Trae openly discussing how important "test driving" the car before you take it home (aka having sex before you get married) is. Followed by my brother-in-law Trae cracking on my sister Jaime about trading up or trading in his car. My sister, of course, lashing back on how she's the best car around and my other brother-in-law Chris asking her how many times she had been driven before? Trae proceeded to add my personal favorite crack of the day -- "Well that would explain why she's so worn out". I LOVED IT! Trae is normally a pretty quiet guy. And Jaime, well, she and I are a lot alike....meaning that we are normally the ones heard and not seen. Seriously, don't you just feel the love!? My sisters and I are good at one thing at family events-- making sarcastic comments about one another. And then seeing my nieces, Allyson and Charleigh, and my nephew, Hunter is always so much fun. They are the cutest kids ever (I'm not biased in any way...). Allyson loves seeing me. She always comes and sits on my lap, plays with (and in turn messes up) my hair. I love them so much. I can't wait to see them grow up. I'll be especially interested to see what kind of girl Charleigh turns out to be -- just knowing the dynamic woman my sister is -- Charleigh will probably be a pretty smart cookie. And Ally and Hunter will, of course, be athletic. Chris wouldn't have it any other way.


Here's a picture of Charleigh.




And then it was off to my Aunt Edith's. This was my first Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family for 12 years. I drove there by myself (for those who know me know that's a pretty big deal...it is over an hour away). I wasn't nervous at all. It was actually weird how not nervous I was. I had already been to the reunion so it wasn't that bad. It was great to see everyone. Aunt Edith's house looked exactly as I remembered it. After a long winding, but incredibly beautiful drive in the countryside of southern Indiana, you end up at the top of the hill at her driveway. I immediately smelled the cool country air with a warm hint of a fireplace burning as I got out of my car. I could smell that smell all day. There is always a GIANT spread of homemade goodness on the huge dining room table and a whole table dedicated to desserts. We went on a walk down to the farm, where I proceeded to see how close I could get to a straggling goat...he didn't like me very much. Then we walked out past the pastures to meet up with the boys who were playing with their guns. I took a few shots myself. I don't know how I feel about having that much power in my hands. :)
I liked it...and it kind of gave me a weird feeling that I liked it so much. Then we made the trek back...and Leighanne didn't want to walk in all the mud again, so we went around the woods, over a fence, and through the pasture back to the house. I love the country -- that is now a fact. It's so peaceful and beautiful.
So back at the house I found myself the only one there who didn't have a parent, brother or sister somewhere around to talk to...so I spent a few quiet moments looking around at my family that I had missed for so long. And I just felt at peace. I felt completely quiet inside. I caught my Aunt Edith (she is my grandmother's sister -- but was very close in age to my mother, so she was raised by my grandmother therefore being more like a sister to my mom) looking at me a time or two. I wondered what she was thinking. Maybe she was just thinking about how much I looked like my mom. I guess I might never know. I got beat miserably in a game of Euchere. And caught up with Sarah, my cousin, and it was so nice. I didn't want to leave.

But I had to because I still had one more place to go. So I journeyed back to Indy and went over to my last stop. My mom's best friend's house. Lana has been more of a second mom to me throughout my life. She held me when I was born before my own father. She bought my first pair of designer jeans when I was a baby and she's always been there. She is the closest thing I have to my mom. She's a lot like her. She was the one person who always stuck by my mom's side through thick and thin. I will be eternally grateful to her for being there for my mom and I. She is a fantastic cook (again, just like my mom) and she always makes two things I can count on that I don't get anywhere else -- homemade noodles and broccoli and cheese casserole. OMG. SO GOOD. So I ate my fill, watched a few hands of poker, rocked out on guitar hero and visited for a while. I don't know if they are quite as excited as I am about my venture out west for school...but I hope they warm up to the idea someday.

I have so much to be grateful for. I finally retired to my home at a little after midnight. Now I get to go seat all the hungry people downtown who want Spaghetti before the tree lighting or amidst their black friday shopping spree.

It's officially CHRISTMAS SEASON!!! WOOT!

Ah yes. That's it right there. That's the spot.

Okay, get your dirty mind out of the gutter.

We all know how much I love men. One could say I'm a bit, um, boy crazy?! Yes. It's true. One day I'll find someone to settle down with...in the meantime, let's have FUN!

BUT that's not my point.

My point is the fact that I have spent the last oh, I don't know, four HOURS watching YouTube (don't judge me....). First, I found "Into the Woods", the ENTIRE thing, on YouTube -- so naturally, since I was in this musical in high school and am in love with it and YouTube doesn't require me to get up, or to pay to watch it -- I watched the entire thing. Yeah.....that took up the first three hours of my YouTube-a-thon.

Then I proceeded to watch some clips from the Tony Awards. Then, Patti LuPone (INCREDIBLE singer). And then....this guy who is the funniest commentator of musical theatre ever. I'm obsessed. He's hilarious. One, because he's gayer than my super fabulous Indiana University friends. Two, because he knows his stuff. Three, because he just IS.

I've been in a really good mood for the past few days. I speculate a few reasons. One, I've been praying and keeping my Spirit on the straight and narrow. Two, I've been jamming out, finding every possible minute to blast my music and dance around my house. That's really about it honestly. God and music make me happier than a little girl on her 5th birthday with a Hannah Montana doll. (or in my case it was Barbie -- what ever happened to Barbie? Is she still around? Is she still ridiculously ill proportioned?)


I've included a clip of this fabulous commentator for all to view. HA-LAR-IOUS.




Okay....back to YouTube.

Save the date.

Come one, come all. 36 days and counting.....




My going away party will be on New Year's Eve at the LDS Church at the corner of White River Parkway and West Washington Street...

I'll be leaving the following day for Idaho.

Craziness, folks. Sheer craziness.

You only have 25 words.

Today has been a great day. The last week has been a great week. Why? No reason in particular. Just cause.

Thomas S. Monson, Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gave a talk at our last General Conference entitled "Finding Joy in the Journey". For me, I was going through a rather frustrating time and needed this talk. I needed this encouragement. I needed this prophetic counsel.

He told the following story:

"In the 1960s, during the Vietnam War, Church member Jay Hess, an airman, was shot down over North Vietnam. For two years his family had no idea whether he was dead or alive. His captors in Hanoi eventually allowed him to write home but limited his message to less than 25 words. What would you and I say to our families if we were in the same situation—not having seen them for over two years and not knowing if we would ever see them again? Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Brother Hess wrote—and I quote: “These things are important: temple marriage, mission, college. Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”'

In our Relief Society lesson today we were asked to do something similar. So I pose this question...I'm taking a slightly different spin on it.

If you were given 25 words to leave for all to see as to what's the most important advice you could give, what would it say?

I pondered this today during the Sacrament. For some reason, mine came very easily.

I'm normally a woman of many words -- but for today -- here is my twenty five.


If you don't get anything else out of anything I ever say...

Pray. Study scriptures. Follow Christ. Marry your best friend. Love. Journal. Breathe. Take pictures. Eat healthy. Be clean. Be Humble. Know that you are loved.

(I'm sure they might change as I grow older or wiser)

Ponder it out and write it down. :)

♥ MWAH ♥

Fun with Pictures!!!

So I found this website that I think I could be in love with...Picnik.com

You can do cool things to your pictures!! As you can see my picture to the right >>>>

A leaf on the ground shaped like a heart. ♥



This one is a bit risque but I think it's hot :)




Lar-bear and Me.



Me and Vic. This was what I thought of when we took this picture.




Gerber Daisies!



Oh...and I have a new crush. I can't help it. I'm addicted to men. I guess we can't question my sexuality, huh? He has the perfect mouth. And gorgeous teeth. Dark hair and eyes (of course...lest we expect anything less from me). He's quiet, and intriguing and he makes me smile. And he laughs at my jokes. I'll leave it at that.

MC Hammer said it best.

Okay, okay, so turkey lurkey is an acquired taste, I see. You'll love it someday, I promise.

I've been fighting a dag-um cold for a week and half now and I really miss sounding like a normal human being. I constantly sniff, and then cough, and then sniff more. Not to mention, it affects my singing and THAT is uber annoying.

Yesterday was a rather remarkable day. Church wasn't different or extraordinary -- but I came to an important realization the other day -- and it has made all the difference. Pray. Every day. At LEAST in the morning and at night...if not more. God has given us ALL of this, and he has told us to "pray always". So why can't I take a few minutes of my morning and evening and talk to my all-knowing, magnificent God?! I mean, I have the smartest man in the UNIVERSE at my disposal, so why not chat it up? I don't know what it is about prayer that can make it so hard sometimes, but really, it's such an incredible gift. Probably the greatest gift next to the atoning sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ.

I have been stressed about my finances a LOT lately. This is somewhat normal for me, but with the big move coming up, it's not just about paying the bills, it's about being able to GET to Idaho (luckily gas prices have gone down substantially in the past month, but who's to say they won't go back up!). So yesterday, I took the opportunity to fast. I'll be honest, I was fasting that money would fall into my lap somehow. That wasn't the exact verbiage I used in my prayers, but nonetheless, that the was jist of it. Money didn't fall in my lap -- it was put in my hand by my one of my favorite women in the world (she told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that she gave it to me, because if I did, she would deny it...so for her sake, she will remain anonymous as my guardian angel). I didn't tell her that I had been fasting. And never have I fasted in such a way that yielded such immediate results. One thing I know is that Heavenly Father DOES bless us and give us what we need. It's been tight, really really tight, but I have managed to get by. And now I have three jobs to pull from...which will help even more.

So that's that. I have learned that one of the key elements in fasting and prayer is humility. We must not get greedy in our prayers and in our fasting. We must be humble always, understanding that we are already blessed immensely.

Also, I wanted to give a shout out to my latino friends. I was able to attend the Spanish Branch yesterday, as well as participate in the re-dedication of the Mexico City Temple last night. It was Spanish overload. I. LOVED. IT. I will be fluent in Spanish someday. It's on the life list of things to do, along with learning how to ride a horse, have an organic vegetable garden, and sleep on the beach.

Moral of the story -- there are a LOT of times in our lives that we could say "Ugh, life is LAME". But nope. We can't. We shouldn't. We are so blessed. I might not have money burning a whole in my pocket, but I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a God that will take care of me.

Yep. It's true.

Thanksgivingmas

So the holiday season is finally upon us....I think??

It doesn't feel very festive yet, but then again I haven't been gallivanting around town to notice. The zoo has up their Christmas lights (as do my next door neighbors -- seriously people), downtown Indy is laden with lights as well. So maybe it finally HAS come upon us.

This year is the first year that I haven't participated in a choir of some sorts. I was the reigning director of my church choir until I was released (FINALLY) earlier in the year. I loved it, but after a while, I didn't love it so much (It's hard to drag your friends to practice, regardless of how much they love you..). BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas music. Okay, I love music in general, but Christmas music is the BEST! It can put me in the festive spirit faster than you can say Jesus. (I'm sure it's also related to the fact that I actually know the words to most Christmas songs...where as my lyrical knowledge is somewhat lacking a bit in the rest of the song world.)


Christmas time rolled around my freshman year at IU where I was a member of the Singing Hoosiers and we break out the Christmas music....the music starts...I get out my music....and the words "Turkey Lurkey Time" are at the top. The title made me hungry. And confused. I thought we were singing Christmas music? No? Do we sing Thanksgiving music too? Why is everyone so excited about this song? Then we began to sing....

Let me tell you -- it's my FAVORITE song EVER. I can't explain to you why but it just is. It's from a Broadway musical called "Promises, Promises" and it is fabulous. I found the original on YouTube and thought I would share it with you. The quality isn't as fabulous as the song, but you'll get the drift.

Here's the spreading the holiday cheer!




I know what you're thinking. And man, that dancing -- you just don't see dancing like that anymore (which I think could be a GOOD thing). That front girl can MOVE, no? Seriously, I mean, every office party I've ever been to is exactly like this one.

And scene.

I'm a little tea spout -- about to spout off some more.

What is the purpose of having a blog if you can't use it to complain?

It started last week -- the sore throat.

Then that disgusting drainage the runs down the back of your throat (you know it, you know it well...).

Then you start to get all achy and tired.

But you can't sleep.

Why?

Because you can't BREATHE.

So you blow your nose. And somehow, blowing your nose makes you more congested than you were before. You toss. You turn. There is no position in which you can lie, sit or stand that makes your congestion better.

I complain, yet I do not take medications to cover my symptoms. I suffer through them. I hate medicine. The non-drowsy kind makes me all loopy and the drowsy kind knocks me out for hours on end...so when I break down to take the medication...life stops altogether until the effects (did I use that word correctly, Kik?) have worn off.

I actually WANT to work (and desperately need the money, I assure you) but I feel as though I have been hit by a truck when I wake up after a few hours of sleep (and probably some crazy snoring due to the congestion -- I promise I'm a quiet sleeper when I'm cold/flu free).

I'm quite the whiner when I'm sick. I hate it. I sound like a pinch-nosed version of the bass section and look like Rudolph's earthly sister with my ruby red raw nose. I'm too cheap to buy Kleenex...a good ol' roll of toilet paper keeps my sprinting nose blown.

On another note....

Does anyone want to just give me some money? I'll even write a blog entry completely devoted to you. Kind of like a scholarship application of sorts. I've been utilizing my inability to be able to write scholarship essays all morning. Let's keep our fingers crossed that someone will think I'm talented and original enough to give me their money so I can have some more money for school expenses!!!

Ugh. I think it's time for a nap.

I'm about to get all political on your face.

I am not one who openly speaks of my political stance on...well anything, to be honest. I am not one who shouted from the rooftops (or on my facebook status) that I am a conservative republican...and that I was voting for John McCain. But then the election concluded and I wrote my small diatribe to the ever-evolving world in which we live and how, yes indeed, change has come to America -- in the form of a socialist liberal. I am curious to see how the government will change, and even a bit optimistic that, like some of my fellow Americans seem to believe, that once Obama (I wonder if his name will be added to spell check now that he has been elected) is President I can relax and not have to work as hard because the wealthy people will have to share and I can get off easy. Phew. What a relief! (I mean, that IS what he's saying, right?)

There is one thing, though, that I feel I must talk about it. I assure you that it will create a strong reaction in some of you. I can guarantee that some of you will either think I'm a discriminating mormon just like the rest of 'em or there will be those who think I'm eloquent and mature in my opinion.

I speak of Proposition 8.

Oh yes. The oh-so-controversial-no-same-sex-marriages-allowed amendment to the constitutions of California, Florida, and Arizona (in addition to may other states that already have such an amendment present) to state that "marriage" is defined as a union between one man and one woman. Period. The End. No same-sex marriages.

This was voted on by the people of these states and passed in all three states. Ironically enough, two out of these three states elected Obama (one of which is traditionally a republican state). So I assure you that although "change has come" one thing remains the same -- it can be assumed that it is still a general belief of society that marriage is a holy institution and should not be blurred by the lines of homosexuality being allowed to carry the same origins and rights associated with traditional marriage.

As anyone who has read a newspaper or watched the news knows, the LDS church is under serious cross fire for its monetary support of Proposition 8. The Church, along with many other creeds (including the Catholic Church, Jews, Orthodox, Christian churches, etc) formed a coalition to pass this order of legislation. The LDS Church took a very lofty and very vocal stance on the situation. And now -- we have people protesting outside of our temples and churches. ::Sigh::

I was doing some reading on the FAIR (Foundation for Apologetics Information and Research)blog and was reading several comments by some members and non-members of the LDS Church alike on their stances towards the opposition that the Church is facing. Click here to read this blog and comments, http://www.antiantimormon.com/ and search for the FAIR Blog.

I would like to share my comment to the blog here on my own blog, as it describes my opinion on the topic in detail. I would say first, that I do not normally climb up political trees, nor do I branch out on such issues as this publicly, but for some reason, I feel the need to stand up and say how I feel.

My response:

I am more and more aware of the idea that we are imperfect, and therefore have an imperfect knowledge of many things. If we have a testimony of the restored Gospel, and a testimony of the living Prophet and his Apostles, than we must trust the Church and its stance because the Church is led by God, not by man. We are not led by what the majority feels should be right (although ironically enough, we fail to mention that this legislation was voted on in Arizona and Florida, and passed, and the amount of members of the Church there are much less than in California. I would feel that the majority still feels that Prop 8 is the “right” regardless of their religion).

I feel that we are forgetting something here. We are not saying we don’t love someone based on their sexual preferences. We are not trying to take away their rights (as the Church has stated that they believe that they should have the same rights — i.e. hospitalization, taxes, etc. etc. as married couples) but what we will not and SHOULD NOT support is recognizing a HOLY act of marriage as anything other than between a man and a woman (and ultimately, God). The Scriptures are clear when it comes to homosexuality as a sin. Therefore, it is black and white as far as I see it.

In response to someone who mentioned that “we don’t know why you are the way you are, we just know it’s wrong and you can’t get married”. I argue that we know much more about homosexuality and continue to expound upon our knowledge of it and its origins than you might know or understand. There is a lot of research to suggest that homosexuality is much like many mental illnesses. It is genetic but our environments and learned behaviors elude to the recognition of one being and eventually “coming out” as a homosexual. Therefore, making homosexuality a learned behavior. Just as we had a very small and narrow minded opinion of AIDS in the 1980’s — we still have much to learn about homosexuality and it’s affects on the human mind.

Marriage is an institution between man, woman and God. Perhaps, we might need to make our criteria for marriage more strict (meaning, if it’s not performed by a minister, than it should be recognized as a civil union and not a “marriage”).

This is probably one of most complicated and controversial issues to face our society since the civil rights movements in the 60’s for african americans and for women’s rights as well. Since our society has continued to stray further and further away from God (let’s begin with taking prayer out of schools, and not allowing the Ten Commandments to be displayed in certain public places), it only makes sense to me that gay marriage is the next step in degrading the conservative nature of the family and blurring every line possible as to the gender roles we carry.

Perhaps then, we should leave the definition of marriage up to God. He is all knowing, and as a member of Christ’s church…I trust that through personal prayer, scripture study and having faith in the Prophet, that we are standing up for and supporting the family. In the end, that’s what it comes down to for me.

“First, we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I pray that we learn how to love more deeply without sacrificing what we know to be true. I pray that we are able to come beside every person in a spirit of service. Each time we take the sacrament, we are recommitting ourselves to take upon the name of Christ — and has his servants — we must serve others in truth and righteousness. We must stand up for what is right but not walk on those who disagree. I think the Church did what they needed to do to ensure that they stood up for truth and righteousness.

This is a test. I repeat. This (life) is a test.

----------------

I know my opinion is very cut and dry. I'm sure that some will oblately disagree with my opinions regarding anything I addressed...so please don't hate me.


I vote for world peace. Who's with me? Unfortunately, I think until Christ returns, we're on a slippery slope downwards.

Peace, friends.

(And who knew I was so opinionated about things like politics? It certainly crept up on me...)

Winter Craziness.

It's just your typical Saturday night. I got home at a ridiculous hour, I (of course) log on to the computer to check my email and facebook, put away the groceries that I bought on my late night trip to Wal-mart (because I've been putting it off all day) and I think I might as well put together my class schedule for registration while I'm on here (I mean, who cares that it's 2am, right?)

I log on to register for my classes...go through each one...all of them work out great! I don't have any classes after 1:45pm Tues-Thursday and my last class ends at 5:30 on Monday. I'm not thrilled about my DAILY 7:45am class (I don't even remember what 7:45am looks like...let alone the fact that BYU has a dress code that discourages rolling out of bed, putting on a hat, and going to class -- and I guess that might not be the best way to attract men either). I'm pumped....

Then I remember...

I have to get a job. So I'm going to have to work nights and on Saturday.

And I'll most likely have homework...not sure when I'm going to be able to do that.

And I will need sleep -- did I mention the 7:45am class?

The moral of the story is this:

Don't expect to talk to me once school starts. I'm pretty much not going to have a life. Not even a social life. Maybe a Saturday night here and there...but seriously...between homework and work....and my classes...

Yeah.

Paper bag, please. I think I might be starting to hyperventilate.

TGIF.

Friday.

Oh blessed Friday. (Although with my sparatic work as of late, Friday is kind of like every other day...)

The end of the week. The week end. The weekend. It brings promise of sleeping in (for some), relaxing (for most), and probably doing some much needed errands, cleaning or going out with the girls (or everyone...depending).

As of late, I relish in Friday nights at home. Listening to good music, or curling on the couch watching a movie with one of the roommates. It's just nice. I've admittedly not paid so much attention to the diet lately (it might be safe to say I've been caught up in other things).

There are some things that I'm loving right now. You should check them out!


I'm LOVING e.l.f makeup. I mean, seriously, quality makeup for a DOLLAR!? It's a girl's dream. And mineral makeup for THREE dollars?! I have deemed this phenomenon hotness on a budget. It's one of those too good to be true things, that is ACTUALLY TRUE. (and if you give 'em your email they send you coupon codes like no one's business to save even MORE money)

I'm LOVING Harry Connick Jr., Michael Buble, Norah Jones, and Frank Sinatra. I don't know if it's just me...but when I sing about swaying in the breeze or being unforgettable -- I automatically feel cooler and more in tune with my sophisticated side.

I'm LOVING missionary work. I can't get enough of it. I could talk about this one for a long time. I'll save it for another day.

I'm LOVING Evian liter bottled water. I always feel better when I'm getting enough H2O in my life and carrying around one of these bad boys makes it so much easier to get my daily dose of the calorie free liquid goodness.


I'm LOVING books. I started reading a really great book. I might not be the most avid reader...but I love books. I want a room in my house that has bookshelved walls with a big comfy leather reading chair (blanket close by of course...with a table for your beverage of choice) and a nice big comfy couch to match. I want it to have a huge picture window that looks at something beautiful. It will be a thinking room. A peaceful room. A room of learning and inspiration.



So, I know it's a bit random. But that's how I'm feeling today. Oh, and thanks to Kiera, I now know the different between A-ffect and E-ffect. (She's such a great best friend. Be jealous.) I have such great women in my life to call my friends. How did I get so lucky?

Hooray for the weekend!

The D word.

It's 7:00am.

My all-annoying alarm starts beeping at me (or singing at me...all depending on if I'm annoyed with hearing the same song OVER and OVER again, day in and day out).

I turn it off.

I go back to sleep.

I text my boss and tell him -- I don't think I can come in today.

I have done this for the last two weeks.

About three weeks ago marked the anniversary of my mother's death (which you blog followers remember because I, of course, wrote about it). I also lost two friends that same week. One was to death. One was to a relationship that dramatically altered a friendship. Both, nonetheless, losses. All was a blow to my emotional stability.
We all deal with loss. I'm not saying that mine is any different than yours. What I do know -- I deal with it a little differently. I might be a great speaker. A decent writer. A good cook. A talented singer. I'm a lousy loser.

It seems, without fail, every year around this time, I have to deal with loss in some form. It also seems, without fail, that this time of year I struggle enormously to get out of bed. To pick myself up. To keep myself going.

I am immensely blessed with gobs of friends, great friends, best friends and family who support me in ways that they might not even know. But I still am alone in the morning when I wake up, and alone at night when I go to sleep. There's no one knocking on my door or reminding me that I have a reason to get up. There's no one making me do the tasks on my to-do list that I have on my desktop staring me in the face every day (most of it involves paying some sort of bill...) There's no one to greet with a smile. I have to motivate myself, every day, to get up. To breathe in and breathe out.

All the signs have been there in the past few weeks. My room became less and less neat. I started staying up later and later. I stopped exercising. I stopped eating healthy. I stopped caring. I stopped working. I just.....stopped.

I'm trying to go again, but it's hard. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Geez, Courtney. Suck it up and move on!" I tell myself that EVERY SINGLE DAY. I think to myself...why can't you just get up and do all of the things you want to do? Why can't you go to work like every one else? I beat myself up over it constantly.

Depression (there, I said it) effects millions of Americans. For various reasons, I'm sure. For me, I'm pretty sure mine still results from years of loss. I believe my depression has been a vicious cycle. My depression has been the very cause of some of my losses...and yet losing those things causes my depression to cycle again. And this , my friends, is why I write.

If someone can take my mistakes, my heartache, my JOYS, my life...and learn something from it, gain a new perspective, then to me, it's worth it. That's probably one of my greatest reasons for wanting to be a mother. I want to be able to teach someone from what I've had to experience. This is also why I plaster my life on a webpage for the world to see, and inevitably judge.

I managed to finally get out of bed today around 11am. I decided to take a walk. I have a normal path in my neighborhood that I walk and it involves walking through the woods.



I walked with a purpose today. One foot in front of the other -- keeping a steady brisk pace. Listening to the leaves shuffle and crunch under my feet. Overstepping branches and twigs. Admiring the fall colors that I love so much. Breathing in........and breathing out. Feeling my muscles warm up and become looser and my heart rate increase. After a while, small beads of sweat accumulate on my brow. I rolled up my sleeves and kept going. My ankle started to hurt...but I kept walking...at the same pace as before. I wasn't going to quit. No cell phone. Today it was about me and the journey. My path takes me about 35 minutes to complete full circle. In my last stretch, despite the pain, I started to run. I found a steady breath and kept running until I reached the front porch.

Walking is one of my therapies. Writing is as well. (Along with talking, singing, dancing, cooking....) I don't take an iPod with me when I walk (that could be attributed to the fact I don't actually OWN an iPod....but anyone is welcome to give me one for Christmas). I don't listen to music. I get lost in the scenery. I get lost in my own thoughts. I get lost in the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement. I hear music in the world around me. Cars driving by. Dogs barking. A shirtless child riding his little skateboard across the pavement. Click. Click. Click...each time he hits a crack.

I had this thought. "You have to walk before you can run." I don't know exactly how that ties into my life, but somehow it does. I have baGILLION things I want to do with my life. I have desires incomprehensible. I am passionate about many things. I have the desire to be a runner, if you will. Taking a step -- a basic principle we learn when we are very young. Most of us learn to walk within the first 18 months of our birth. It's something we do every day. When my mom died, I forgot how to walk. I forgot the very thing that we do every day. I might not have literally forgetten, but emotionally. I had to reteach myself how to walk again. Without her. Have you ever watched a baby walk after they've just learned? They wobble. They fall down. They get back up and try again. They wobble. They fall down. They get back up and try again. Each time they try, they become stronger. Each time I suffer a loss, I wobble. A lot of times, I fall down. Then I get back up and try again. Eventually I'd like to have the strength to where I don't fall down. Maybe someday, I won't even wobble. I'll just keep walking. Then after walking a while, I can hop up to nice jog. Eventually there will be more losses, but instead of falling down, or wobbling, I'll just slow down to a walking pace...keep breathing...keep walking...and then I can start to jog again.

That will take time. Time I'm willing to invest. It's a scary thing to admit that the thought of not living has crossed my mind a time or two. At least I wouldn't have to experience the pain, right? But no. That's not how it works, at least not for me. A philosophy is only as good as the philosopher I guess, but I believe that each day is a new opportunity to shine. Each day is a new day to change....hopefully always for the better. It's a philosophy in progress, of course. I don't wake up at 7am very often...but someday I will. I don't jog for most of my path...but someday I will. Life is about progress. It's about stamina. It's about endurance.

Here's to fighting depression. Here's to battling the days where we feel weary and drained. Here's to having friends who understand you even when they're on the other side of the country.

Here's to walking.

It is with hesitation....

Last night, history was made. In a lot of ways. There was no doubt in my mind that this election was going to be something big, something monumental. I can say that I didn't expect this.

I grew up running around the Indiana State Senate floor and in and out of the government building where both of my parents were employed. My mom, in politics -- my dad, in law enforcement. My mom, a republican -- my dad, a democrat. I colored pictures and posters for various politicians who were running for office. I sat at the polls on election day with my mom who always volunteered. I was one of those kids who handed you fliers as you were walking in the polls and you're thinking, poor kid! (I was thinking, NO SCHOOL!) I watched debates and the news. We always watched coverage on election night. I was a page for three state senators as a kid. (Again, looking for ways to ditch school on an excused absence).

But as I grew up, and after my mom passed away...I became less interested in politics. I almost never watch the news. I didn't watch the debates this year. I looked up some information here and there. But I was sick of seeing commercial after commercial and greeting random campaigners at our front door on Saturday afternoon. I have a confession to make. I didn't vote in the last presidential general election. I voted in the primaries, for McCain I might add, and then when Bush won the primaries, I did not support any of the candidates. I believe we should vote, and feel strongly about making our voices heard (especially being a woman), but my choice NOT to vote that year was how I thought I was speaking. So many of you might think that I have no right to say what I think about this historic time. I say to you...I'm a woman of many words...and I will say them because that is just what I do. (Maybe someday it will make me lots of money?! No? Meh, I'll stick to blogging I guess.)

At one point in time, I wanted to be the first woman President of the United States. I wrote Bill Clinton a letter when I was 8 (or was I 7? 9 maybe? Meh...details..) and told him that I didn't agree with his policies and thought he was a terrible example to our country. He, in return, sent me a thank you letter and signed 8 1/2 x 11 of his smiling, devious face. (I'm sure you try to be a good guy, Bill. But seriously, Monica? You couldn't have had a little bit more self control?? Thanks for showing not only our country, but our world, that being unfaithful to your wife is okay. I continue...) In high school, I ran for class president twice (and kept losing to my cousin. He was really cute so I don't blame the girls for voting in his direction) and held an office on my floor my freshman year at IU for my dorm. I guess even though I seemed less interested, I've always stepped up into leadership roles that in some way were "government" like.

This election I have been back and form a hundred times in my head about who I wanted to vote for. I didn't feel that Obama was really giving answers. He was playing on the hopes and dreams of the American public for a world that, to me, might never actually exist. I thought about it. Several times. Obama is an excellent speaker. His charisma and charm leap off of a TV screen and his promises of a better future are catchy. I felt myself whispering to myself "Yes we can" last night as I was listening to his speech.... but still trying to listen to what this man plans to do now that he's won the prize.

McCain has always been someone that I supported because of his dedication and love for America. Obama himself made a poignant statement as he was speaking of McCain at the beginning of his speech that this man has been through more and has made sacrifices to fight for our freedom and for our country that we couldn't even begin to understand. I may not have studied out all of the details of their policies and opinions on how to run a country but I do believe that a strong man, of moral character, who has proven to be a successful leader, is going to be who I most support. Almost ironically, McCain is a decently liberal republican, so in a way, some could argue that he's comparable to a conservative democrat. So the fact that I'm a registered Republican doesn't always mean that my vote is always to the red elephant side of the ballot. This year, I don't know if left and right, blue or red, elephant or donkey played as much of a part in their decisions as the people's desire for drastic change. Unfortunately, I can say with assurance that Bush's disapproval amongst the American public fell at the doorstep of John McCain's campaign. Bush has pissed off a lot of people...Republicans and Democrats alike.

I hope that people listened last night. A lot of promises were made...and a lot of fears were dispelled. Obama did not promise us immediate change. "It might not take a year, it might not take an entire term..." I felt I witnessed a plea for help more than a victory speech. McCain's concession speech was poised, eloquent, honest and sincere. I would have been proud to call him my President. However, as I casted my vote, I knew that I was only making a statement against liberalism...and not that I was voting to elect the next President. I have known for quite some time that Obama would most likely take office.

Obama told a magnificent story of a woman, 106 years old, who voted in this election (I can only assume her vote was for Obama -- would have been ironic if she voted for McCain -- I'm just sayin) She has more or less "seen it all" in her lifetime. I couldn't imagine. My grandmother is 82 years old and I love to listen to her talk about how things were when she was growing up. It was simply a different time then. A slower time, and a much more conservative time.

I might offend some people with my thoughts or opinions, and if so, please know that I do not mean to offend. I don't doubt that things will swing upward again. There is a cycle of life, and also of government. Obama represents, unfortunately, the majority opinion of the people. His socialist and liberal attributes are that of most of our free world nowadays. We have been leaning towards a less conservative, less family oriented, less hard working society for years. We want to do what we want, when we want, how we want and without any consequences. We don't want to have to work hard, struggle, or help each other. We're a world of self help books, Dr. Phil's and talk shows exploiting the true inner lining of America. Jerry Springer is who I blame, but in reality, there really are a lot of twisted people out there. And I believe that we have started to hit the peak of this radical societal mountain. It makes sense that a man of Obama's nature would be at the top of that mountain to lead the people.

I have faith in God. I do not know if I have faith in the common good of man. That sounds rather crappy to say, but when we turn our heads at tearing apart families and degrading the human race in the ever more radically liberal minded society we are living in, it will never result in good. It will never result in peace. I do not believe Obama really knows how to change or fix the problems we currently face. I do not agree with his answers on how to fix the economy or think that his plan to bring the troops home will actually work. But he preaches a message of a better world. He preaches a message of hope. For that, I give him credit. We ALL want the world to be a better place. So I can support him in his quest to make that happen. I'm just praying he doesn't bomb. It takes a special person to run for President of this country. It takes an even more special man to be a man against all odds running for President....and kudos to Obama for a successful ending to his election journey.

I will do what he asks because I am a woman of faith. I will rally behind him because it is my patriotic duty. I will stand with him as someone who also wants my children to grow up in a world that is financially secure and stable. I hope that all of us can swallow whatever feelings of pride we have in ourselves and do our best to serve our country by helping out. However, until Christ returns, I feel that it's only going to get worse before it gets better. The people took a stand last night. But I'm not sure if they actually know what they took a stand for.

My thoughts and prayers are with Senator Obama and his family as he begins to take on the daunting task of leading a country through perilous times.

Ironically enough, I think I'm more interested in politics that I give myself credit for. haha. Maybe I'll run for some random government office someday...who knows, right? HAHAH!