Puttin it all out on the table.

Two blogs in one week!?!?! But writing has always been an outlet for me, and I had been neglecting it. And well, frankly, I missed it. :)

Let me begin this by saying that I am not writing this in hopes for anyone's pity. I just think it's important to get the story out there.


Coming to a place where no one knows you is strange. No one knows what I've been through. No one knows what kind of family I have. No one knows my talents or abilities. Basically, no one knows. To some, this could be a great thing...it's a chance for them to start over and to be honest, I kind of thought that it would be great that no one knew the challenges I have faced in my life. Here's what I've learned....I am who I am because of where I've come from and what I've been through. And to an extent, I'm different because of those things. I don't want to be anyone else.

None of my roommates have experienced the death of anyone in their immediate families. I have experienced a great deal. All of them live at home when they are off track and their parents support them. I do not and do not to either of those.

I was sitting in my Bishop's office today discussing my finances. Now, I'm not making excuses for my mistakes but I am saying that I've come from a situation that isn't ideal. I love my parents, and my family...but I do not come from a family that takes you back in the nest after you've left it. They support you and talk you through it, but re-nesting isn't really an option. All in all, you gotta work with what you have in front of you and utilize your options. I'm grateful that I don't have a family that would take me back in at the drop of a hat...because once I overcome the struggles, I know that I did it without relying on someone to take me by the hand and spoon feed me through the process. I, then, am able to help others because I have experienced it firsthand. I know it would be easier, but easy isn't something that I have ever known, and frankly, I don't know if I ever will.

Looking back on my life, I have realized just how lucky I am. I have realized how immensely blessed I am to be right where I'm at. I am sitting in a nice apartment, with clothes on my back, food in my stomach, surrounded by pictures of people who love me, attending (in my opinion) one of the most amazing universities in the country pursuing my dream. Sure, my circumstances aren't perfect. I'm flat broke, have no job, and am staring a substantial amount of debt in the face. But if I can overcome that obstacle, and I assure you I will, I really do believe I have truly overcome my circumstances. I could easily be a single mother, or in jail, or addicted to drugs or alcohol or having sex with random people as instant gratification. Lastly, I could be dead. I have dealt with almost all of the major life changing and/or traumatic events you could throw at a kid. I am a child of divorce, grew up in a single parent home, grew up in poverty, dealt with death of a parent, three grandparents, an uncle and for 11 years almost an entire side of my family were out of my life -- all before the age of 18. I'm not going to say I handled it perfectly...I lashed out, ran away from home, attempted suicide, partied, looked to physical gratification from guys to make me feel good about myself, cut class, was diagnosed with a mental illness, lived on my own, have moved 27 times, have had over 10 jobs...and all in 24 years.....and here I am still standing. Not only am I standing, I don't drink, smoke, swear, practice premarital sex, I go to college, I stand for good, and most importantly, I survived. And the best part, I'm happy. I laugh. I stand for something, and not just anything, I stand for something incredible. I have the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have purpose and meaning in my life. For all the hardships, God gave me talents and abilities and laughter in my life to compensate. There is a fantastic talk given by the late apostle, Joseph B. Wirthlin titled "Come What May and Love It". I am reminded of this talk because in it he promises us that for every loss, we will receive something in its place. For every tear, we will be compensated ten fold with joy. I am finally starting to see this. I am finally starting to gain a testimony of this. Without these struggles, I wouldn't be me. Back home, people know my story. And I think I'm okay to say that people are drawn to me because of the stories I have and the experiences I've gained. I can honestly say I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would want any other life than the one I've been given.

My story is a story of progress. My story is about overcoming the statistics and rising above the hardships. I'm in the middle of climbing over my last mountain of mistakes from my youth...and that is staring thousands of dollars of debt in the face. But I assure you this, through the Gospel and with the Lord by my side, I will overcome that too.

One day we will all stand before our maker. One day we will all be held accountable for our lives. And there is one thing I never want to hear...."why didn't you ever tell me?" I am telling you now. There is a God. He lives. He has a son, even Jesus Christ. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the ONLY way we can fully overcome our weaknesses, be lightened of our burdens and overcome life's disappointments. He loves us enough that He lets us choose. He loves us enough to give us exactly what we want. Many people don't think God can love us and then let bad things happen to us. Living is what causes the bad. Not God. He gave us the most precious gift of all, other than his son and that is the gift of free agency. We don't HAVE to do anything. But there is consequences to everything....good and/or bad. There must be opposition in all things. Jesus Christ has a church on this earth and we are in the last dispensation of the fullness of times. Now is the time to prepare for the Savior's return. He is coming. The signs are all around us. I wish my family understood more about the Gospel and were more open to it, but I have faith that they will someday, whether it be in this life or the next. I know that God's kingdom is here on Earth. There is a prophet who leads and guides Christ's church under His very direction. That prophet today is Thomas S. Monson. Through the restoration of the Gospel to its full and complete state, we have the Preisthood authority restored to the earth as from the times when Christ was on the earth. The Bible and the Book of Mormon are the words of God, written through his prophets. I testify that I know these things are true. I have prayed and asked God myself. I have received powerful witnesses from the Holy Ghost of the truthfulness of these things. It is only through and by these things can miracles like my life, happen. I know some of you may not understand or agree with me, but I assure you, it is true. Me telling you will never be enough, but I promise you that if you seek out to know of these things, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you and you will know it for yourself. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Shiblon

It's time for another update!!! Get excited about it people. (Or the random 3.642 people who actually read this when I have time to update it...)

First of all, for your viewing pleasure....although I'm sorry that they aren't very good pictures. I only have my camera phone at the moment because I left my camera back home in Indiana. My dad is shipping it out sometime soon. When that happens, watch out. :)



Isn't it lovely?! This is me and my "date" for ward date night. Seriously one of the funniest nights at a church activity ever!!! We had to pick a tie and the boy who's tie it belonged to was our date for the evening. We had all these challenges we had to do together. Dan is hilarious. He has a girlfriend, and I'm not really interested in dating him, but man, he sure is fun to be around. Let's put it this way, his tie was a purple, paisley CLIP ON tie. Of course, you know I picked the clip on tie. Although I did fear that perhaps my date was someone so short that regular ties weren't an option, but I lucked out. When he first came over and sat next to me, he put his arm around me and held my hand. It was tender. Not to mention, he duck taped our wrists together for half of the night. The picture is actually from a challenge where we had to wear a diaper on our heads as a blindfold and spoon feed one another a pudding cup. We rocked it out all night and ended up winning the WHOLE thing! Would you expect anything different? Dan actually was on the Price is Right not too long ago...so you can see just how much fun I had...check this out.



I forgot to mention earlier....he won! SWEEET.

So yeah...that was that.

So things are going along just like life should. I'm, of course, poor. When am I not? Actually though, I'm jobless at the moment and it's not cool....at all. So if you could think to pray about that one for me...I'd sure appreciate it!

Okay, on to a different (yet slightly related) topic.

One of the amazing (and I do mean ah-maz-ing) aspects of being at this university is how much you can grow spiritually. Every day you talk about the Gospel, or the Scriptures. You pray at the beginning of every class. You sing a hymn at the beginning of every class. You can really feel the spirit here. It is truly incredible. I have really found that factor to be a source of great strength for me here. One thing I've felt really strongly about lately though is the need to be prepared. It is the boy scout motto, after all. But unfortunately, I wasn't a boy scout. Something about having to be a boy that prevented me from joining......I don't know...stupid rule. Anywho, preparedness is really becoming a more consistent word in my vocabulary. I'm learning that one of my weaknesses is the fact that I rarely "prepare" for things in the manner I should. I'm a little too fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants with things sometimes. This has caused me a lot of added, unnecessary stress in my life. This can start with things like our finances and having food storage and trickle down into aspects like preparing for an audition or being prepared for class or work. So I am making a much more concentrated effort on being prepared. I keep reading more on the world financial crisis and not only is it depressing, what people fail to realize is that it is prophecy. The leaders of the Church has stated over and over again the importance of having food storage and savings. I'm no one to preach, but I am going working on a serious financial makeover in my life to ensure that I am implementing a stronger sense of preparedness in my life. The world's economy is getting weaker and weaker. This will continue to get worse for quite some time before it gets better...if it actually even gets better.

But more upbeat things to talk about (because I'll be honest, I normally avoid the news and newspapers because they depress me a bit)....

Allow me to share one of the funniest things I've ever heard. If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, you simply have no sense of humor whatsoever.



MWAH. Until next time!

Poetry Time

Sometimes I just have a rush of thoughts in my head. Most of the time they make no sense at all. And most of the time I'm not close to a computer or somewhere to write them down, but for those occasions when they still don't make sense, but I am in a place to write them down, things like these happen.

Enjoy.


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If writing was free from passion than it wouldn't be writing at all.
It's just words on a paper.
They don't have to make sense. Because I don't make sense.
Words, my words. They are all I have.
They hug me, touch me, save me, hate me.
They are the very things that I go to bed with every night and wake up with every morning.
Words. Inside, outside, underneath and above you.
These are the things that break lives apart and bring them together.
Get your words away from my head and out of my heart and instead keep them for a rainy day.
Celebrate your words with silence.
Celebrate silence with dancing.
Celebrate dancing with music.
And celebrate music by singing with the words.

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Hit the default button and press go as hard as you can.
My camera won't turn on and I can't see you.
You're there, but you're not and my fingers fly across the keyboard.
Just think. Let go. Be free.
Don't judge me, mock me, taste me or please me.
Just let me.
It's tender you in all of your glory.
It's amazing you in all your selfish words and ways.
It doesn't have to rhyme.
Allow your heart to be free and soar up top that mountain.
Shine like the stars and the moon.
No, shine like the sun.

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Love.
Love.
Love.
Can you stand it? Can you feel it.
Love.
Shouldn't you be in bed?
Love.
Can't you wake up without pain?
Love.
Stand up and be mine.
Love.
Shout it out and sacrifice for me. Give me all you have and beat next to mine.
I feel your heart, I feel your body. I feel your warmth.
I feel your love.
Love.


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Sweet baby whispers in a voice we all understand.
She saw His face and now she's in your hands.
You touch her, you smile at her. You are in love with her.
She became all you've ever seen in yourself.
Stop. Breathe. Take it all in.
Bright eyes. Small feet. Tiny toes.
Sweet baby. Be mine forever. Sweet baby Lily girl.

(This one is a poem for my best friend Kiera and her husband Hyrum. They just had their first little baby girl. I'm poor and suck at giving gifts even though I always want to...and her christmas present is still in my trunk. So this is my gift for the time being...)

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Combine me with your hopes, your dreams
and love me for the end of time.
Tell me that the stars shine for me
and whisper sweet nothings you purchased from a storyline.
Take me down to the valley and up to the top of the mountains
with your kisses.
Make my heart ache and sing simultaneously.
Short breaths and hushed voices in the night signify our romance.
Risk it all, and tell me your deepest desires.
I have memorized the lines of your face. I have studied you from head to toe.
Let me practice on you until forever.
Be with me.
Stay with me.
Love me.

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I have seen you before in my heart somewhere.
Do you stop and say hello or just walk on by?
I enter in grandeur to an empty room.
Stop me before I open my mouth again.
I say too much too fast. I laugh too hard and too loud.
I love too much too soon. I drown out the crowd.
I am imperfect and I expect nothing.
Yet you think I expect everything.
Don't push me aside for saying too much.
Don't walk away because I walk too close.
Dance with me.
Hold me.
Talk to me and console me.
Console me from missing you.
Help me walk slower.
Teach me to talk softer.
Fill up my room.

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So I know I'm not some master poet...but I thought I'd share. :) Happy Valentine's Day!

As promised :)

Oh yes. We are going to discuss Women's Choir.

Disclaimer: My aversion to all women choirs is quite stern and passionate. I do not intend to offend.

On with the show.....


90 girls in a room. 90 girls, some of which are talented singers in their first or second year as voice majors, some of which are non-majors but can sing their parts and hold their own.

The first day we started to sing a hymn and I thought to myself "Wow....not too bad. Maybe I was being a little hasty on judging a college choir."

Then, the thing I dread the most, the very thing that I cannot stand about womens choirs....I started to hear it. It's like a burning in my ear. It makes my nose twitch and my eyebrows raise.

The pitch was flat.

By a half step.

Now, most of you wont know the difference. I assure you that most of the girls don't know the difference. Most importantly, most of you don't care. haha. But, I was blessed/cursed with something called relative pitch. Actually, if I was a piano player and knew the names of the notes, I would probably have perfect pitch. I can normally sing a song in the original key or within a half step of the key almost every time...even if it's been a year since I've heard the song. Being on pitch just sticks in my head.

Women, in general, have an airy quality to their singing voices. So some women, in a manner of overcompensation, try to push their voices to sound "more mature". What happens is they have no resonance and instead have a flat, pushed sound....causing them to go flat. Even many women who sing professionally struggle with finding the right amount of space to create a full, rich sound. So, put 90 women on a room who are all attempting to outsing one another and what do you have.....

a group of women singing flat.


And it drives me insane. Insane. Insane. Insane. Insane. Insane.

Okay....thank you for allowing me to get that off my chest.
I could go on, but again, most of you, in fact perhaps all of you, really don't care about women's choir. :)

I'm really trying to be better about blogging. I love blogging....but my world is ever so busy.

Thank you for your patience and I hope you haven't forgotten about me!