Oh man. Lemme tell ya. Yesterday was an emotional day! It started Thursday night and just rolled it's emotional back on over to Friday for me to enjoy. I think my "Perfectly Lonely" bug got lost and thought it was the "You're going to be alone forever and everyone important in your life leaves you anyways...." bug. Okay, fine. Yes. I'm a tad overdramatic sometimes; however, it was a valid thought so I can justify my behavior. I'm just glad it didn't tidal wave out to where I talked to too many people because mostly, it was just silly. However, I would like to share some of what I experienced yesterday, because I know I can't be completely alone in this endeavor. I'm sure someone out there has had the same feelings.
Going along with this, I think it is safe to acknowledge that I have a hard time losing people (and to psychoanalyze myself, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with losing a parent as a child.) All of my closest friends (okay let's say 95%) that I talk(ed) to on a regular basis in the last 3 years are married or engaged or in serious relationships now. And several of them are moms or dads as well. Guess what happens when that happens? They slowly disappear from my life. I call, I get a voicemail. I call, they are busy. I text, no response back. I call again, they are still busy and I leave another voicemail (sometimes I want to get married just to see what the heck everyone gets so busy with....other that the obvious pun that can be taken from that sentence. You can't have sex all day every day...). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that they are married and have cute little babies because I get to be the world's coolest aunt to all of them. BUT the selfish side of me kind of resents what it does to my friendships. I keep having to find new friends. I liked my old friends just fine! (Err, no offense new friends...) And here at BYU-"I-DO", dating and getting married are in the everyday jargon of the 18 year old girls and the 21 year old fresh-off-the-mish boys. It makes it difficult to ignore. Not to mention, being 25, overweight and not your traditional LDS girl here at BYU-I doesn't exactly make the dating scene any better. I remember now why I had problems last year....my self esteem kinda takes a hit here.
So, what do I do about it (the obvious answer would be to age backwards and starve myself....wait, no? Wrong answer?)? Well yesterday, I'll admit, I cried and whined about it for half of the day. I was annoyed with life in general. I'll also mention that I am terrible at not being good at something (i.e. playing the piano, sightsinging, and reading syncopated rhythms....) and I had to deal with ALL of those factors yesterday morning. Being a music major is a skilled major, and yes, I know I possess the skills to be a music major, but I have to stretch beyond my capacity to gain more skills and knowledge. I've never been one to stretch myself. I'll try it. Although a word of caution: I might whine and cry more. :) But by the end of the day, I had showered, plopped myself down on the Lovesak in our living room and started doing homework. Fortunately, and unfortunately for my homework, I got invited to hang out with one of those "new friends" I mentioned before...and I ended up having a great night, and my patience kind of paid off in a way.
So that was that. It was emotional, ridiculous, but valid. I can't help the way I feel...but I can learn to cope with it. I can't change my life. It is what it is. I can learn to be happy with it though. I don't really care that I'm not married or don't have kids of my own. That doesn't make me unhappy. I do care about the relationships with my close friends and wish those relationships didn't have to take such a low spot on the todem pole because they have someone else in their No. 1 slot. As I get older, and continue to live a life different from most of my friends (not being married, etc) I will have to find my peace with it. I don't mean to sound bitter. I have a great life. I just miss my friends sometimes.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? How do you cope with it? When a best friend gets married or "moves on" to a different part of their life, where does that leave the friendship? They have a husband, wife or kids to occupy their time. The unmarried best friend, although busy with life, still has flexibility and time to contribute...but it's hard to maintain a relationship with a voicemail. What do we do to adapt to the new situation? Do we email more and talk less? Or do we live in a world where our best friends are just fillers until we find a spouse? Once the spouse is there, what's the need for a best friend? Is that how it works? Does it become burdensome to try and hold on to that old friend? Hm....so many questions.
Let's all let that one marinate and see what we come up with. (Vandi, sidenote, You're probably the busiest woman I know but you are pretty amazing at keeping up with things....and I know you'll be the first one to read and comment on this. I love you for that. And sidenote to anyone else who might be reading this....don't be mad that I gave Vandi props. haha.)
Do I sound like a complaining camel? (Oh yeah, came up with that one all by myself...kind of like quiet coyote, only different.)
1 comment:
first, I almost do not want to write until someone else does, but believe it or not, I get excited to see you have updated your blog. Thanks for the props too. I know this probably doesn't matter, but when you called the other day, I was tutoring and had to go straight to coaching. It has nothing to do with not wanting to talk to you or not having time to hear how you are doing. And trust me, I'm not having sex 24/7..lol..we rarely have time for that now a days...: ) I don't even think that the husband takes the place of a bestfriend because it's not the same. For me, when I got married, I was handed a HUGE handful of things that I had to do to keep things organized and people happy and healthy. I've probably lost myself doing so much stuff for other people. So just because I'm married doesn't mean I have times where I just want to be alone. We all have struggles that come with where we are in our lives and like you said, you can embrace it or let it get you down for whatever reason you have told yourself. I love you and you have helped me become who I am. You are an amazing woman even if you are not 18 or a 21 year old man...lol...Love yourself and the life the Lord has blessed you with. Smile and have a great day! Promise yourself and me that you will do that! LOVE YOU!--PS..I'm able to write now because Eva is sleeping.
Post a Comment