They're called affirmations.

I sit here with my mind blank. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot...and I think that gets me in trouble. I feel things so deeply and have so many hopes and desires. Am I setting myself up for to always be disappointed? How do you adjust to having no expectations? I wear my hopes on my chest for the world to see. It's been so long since I've been loved unconditionally, held through the night, or adored...and I crave it. That feeling. I crave to remember what it's like to have someone in love with you....and you love them back. I remember laying in bed and being held....just having the touch of another person. Even when you're upset with them...you love them so you cry and yell and beg for forgiveness and you make up. Making up is sometimes really good. I need to get over this feeling, but it's so hard. So alone. That's how I feel and I might as well a neon sign that says it. ALONE. ATTENTION PLEASE! THIS GIRL IS ALONE. And all that does is make me appear needy...and who wants to be needy? Certainly I do not. I can stand on my own two feet. But sometimes I don't want to....sometimes I want to lean on someone...give my tired feet a rest.

I know I must sound so sad and depressed...that's not the case at all....I just feel things. I say what I feel. It's one of my noblest qualities....I am honest and I communicate. Whether it hurts or helps is up to someone else, but it's who I am. If I kept it all in, I would suffocate under the pressure to bottle it all up.

A man once looked at me and said "I can tell by looking at you that you have a carefree spirit. You would run with the wind if you could, wouldn't you?" How this man was able to tell that by looking at me I'm unsure, but my answer to this man is YES. I get so caught up in my emotions sometimes that I can't stand it! Maybe that's why I'm a musician and why I love art and nature so much. I feel every emotion....and sometimes I can fake it and pretend that everything is okay, but for the most part, I will always say how I feel at that very moment. It doesn't mean I'll always feel that way...I can be very fickle. Wow, I'm mounting up so many positive qualities about myself! haha.

There will come a day when the desires of my heart are fulfilled. I know this. I don't know when...and the Lord's timing is better than my own. It's hard. It's a constant struggle. But it will be worth it. As a human, it's a part of my nature to want someone. As a woman, the nature intensifies. And as Courtney, through the life that I have led, it is my everything.

I can be patient. I can wait. I will be patient. I will wait.

Until then, I'll just keep writing! :)

Yawn..............

Seriously, I feel like I yawn a thousand times a day! It's annoying and worrying me a bit. Not to mention, in addition to the yawning, I have been excessively tired. So I called a nurse a Wishard Health Connection and we talked for a while. The good news is my diet and exercise are in check (for once in my life!) but something is causing this ridiculous amount of tiredness and yawning (which is my bodying telling me it's not getting enough oxygen). So she "prescribed" one hour of extra sleep per night and a multivitamin. Yeah, I know...I am a total health nut but have neglected my vitamins...way to go, Court! I haven't noticed a substantial difference yet, but it's only been three days. I really am the most impatient person in the world. So...I'll keep you posted on that.

Other than feeling completely lethargic, things are GREAT! I am really really really excited for what's to come in Idaho. I can't even explain it to you. I feel like I'm on the cusp of finally getting my life back after 5 years of just maintaining it. I hope I'm not getting my expectations up too much, but then again, if I go out there with the attitude that I'm taking my life back, I don't think I'll be disappointed. I sent an email to the music department head about how to audition for their voice program. It's as simple as this...I have wanted to either be a singer or a teacher since I was like 5....and honestly, I have never really strayed from those desires. I still want to be a singer or a teacher. So majoring in music is the most logical. It's what I love....and if you do what you love, the money will follow. Singing is my pure gift and it would be a shame for me to waste my talent by not allowing it to grow. My income is too high for me to qualify for any pell grants this year...which sucks...but I have applied for one scholarship so far and will also apply for a talent scholarship.

I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately....I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing, but I think it's been needed. Time for me to reflect and rest. My apartment looks SO different now that Amy has moved out. It's not bare, but it's definitely not cluttered! It's clean too :) It's just easier to keep things clean when you only clean up after yourself. But I do miss Amy. She's driving to Utah right now actually.

I have been reading in 1 Peter the past couple of days and I can I just say that I really enjoy that book! How do people not read that and feel the motivation to stay on track, more importantly, how do they not pay attention to things like teaching the Gospel to the dead, or the warnings that are given?! I really enjoyed chapter 4. I only have like 3 or 4 more books to go to have the entire new testament FINISHED! I can't believe it! I don't really enjoy reading (it makes me sleepy) so the fact that I have already read the Book of Mormon and now I'm finishing off the New Testament is CRAZY. I love the scriptures though. I always feel power and strength when I'm reading them....even when I'm exhausted and doing it only because I know I should.

Things with my friend are going well. I've talked about this friend in previous entries....and although I had one slip up and told him that I had feelings for him, I have remembered the promptings I received from the Spirit and have done my best to stick to those. The fact that he is really discovering how amazing the Gospel can be if you live it is what I really love about being his friend. I can delight in the Gospel with him and it's an incredible feeling. I feel like I have a responsibility to him to be my best self so that I can always be a source of strength for him. In general, I am starting to feel that responsibility so that I can be a source of strength for anyone....but watching someone light up when they talk about the Gospel is a noble quality. I have witnessed the transforming and healing power of the atonement again. I had it in my own life, and now I'm witnessing it first hand in someone else's. He and I are so much alike in our desire to be perfect.....I think sometimes we both have too many expectations and try to cram too much in to our routine. We both feel the need to be perfect...you know, like those people who are annoyingly perfect? In perfect health, be spiritually strong and also be educated and blah blah blah....it's nice to have someone in my life who understands that part of me. The hardest part is that we both fail at being perfect everyday because let's be honest, who's perfect? NO ONE! :) So anyways...that's that.

I need to stop being a bum and get in the shower now.

♥ Courtney ♥

Who's the ...ho?

I DA HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few weeks ago I was walking down the hallway at work and I pretty much heard a voice...."Courtney, go back to school".

I was sitting in my meeting with my bosses...."Courtney, go back to school".

I was getting a blessing...."Courtney, go back to school".

So after five years of being scared to start over, and after a talk with a friend, I put in my application to BYU-Idaho on Sunday.......

and last night I GOT ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I'll be moving to the great state where potatoes flourish and boys are beautiful in January.

I can't explain all of the emotions I've experienced in the past 24 hours. Excitement first and foremost....followed by doubt, joy, sadness, happiness, relief, more doubt, worried, anxious, excited...pretty much anything you could imagine!

It's going to be hard. I'm basically starting over....moving to a new place, selling all of my stuff, leaving behind my friends, family and job. But I know it's the right thing to do....I know that I will have more opportunity there than I've ever had before. I just have to keep faith. HAVE FAITH. Those are the two most important words in my vocabulary. I will need your support. I will need encouragement. I will need to be pushed. My dad found out tonight...and well, he wasn't so excited. His apprehension was "I'm just curious to see if you're going to actually pull this off". Wow...thanks Dad! I love my dad, and I'm sure he's saying all he knows how to for his own set of reasons. He doesn't want to "get in my way".....maybe if he would have interfered five years ago....I wouldn't be where I'm at right now. But I am here....and I'm STOKED about what's to come. I'm also FREAKING OUT.....so I will need lots of prayers.

So that's the big news for now!

HOORAH FOR ISREAL. I'M GOING TO IDAHO! AWHOOHOO!!!!!!

♥ Courtney ♥

Starting to see the difference!!!

One of these days I'll be posting a before and after picture....right now....I'm just in between but I'm starting to see a big difference in my body and it's exciting!!!!! I don't know exactly how much weight I've lost but I know that I feel better and I know that the weight is coming off slowly but surely. I've dramatically changed my eating habits and have FINALLY incorporated exercise into my daily routine....finally got my lazy butt outta bed early enough to work out every morning before work. So anyways......just a brief update. It's exciting! I know I still have a ways to go to reach my goal size but you know, it will be here before I know it. And that will be the day that the rest will follow.................................................


GOOD NIGHT!

♥ ♥ ♥ Courtney

Back to reality.

I can be dramatic. I talk too much. I require reassurance. I'm sensitive. I like things done a certain way. I change my mind a lot. I am picky. I have high expectations. I drive too fast. I'm extremely impatient. I worry too much. I don't manage my finances well. I don't take care of my car. I sometimes make promises that I can't keep. I isolate myself when I'm upset. I make a lot of mistakes. My chin breaks out sometimes. I have anxiety. I'm inconsistent. I take the easy way out. I never check my voicemail.

Okay...so that's a list of the negative....I'm sure there are plenty more....

I can sing really well. I am a good listener. I'm an extremely loyal friend. I always call and I like to make sure my friends know how important they are to me. I'm witty. I compliment people as often as possible. I will always be there for you when you need me. I am a great cook. I love kids (even though sometimes I say I don't...). I am passionate. I am compassionate. I work hard. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am talented. I am artistic. I pick up on things easily. I can be really energetic and spontaneous. I know when it's appropriate to be quiet and when its okay to be loud. I'm healthy and strive to be my best self physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Okay...so that's a list of the positive...I hope there is more...

All in all....this is me. Good and bad.

Maybe someday someone will say "that's exactly what i want".

In too deep...

I fear that my heart has already swam to the bottom of the ocean to capture what I hope is yours.
I fear that I've already decided how and when we will spend our lives together.
I fear that my head cannot keep up in time.
I fear I'm in too deep.

I fear that when you realize how my heart pounds at the sound of your voice or the thought of your touch that you will run so far.
You will run and never look back....leaving me in the dust yet again to muddy the ground with my tears.

I fear the heartbreak will push me over the edge and I won't be able to recover.
Swim to the top where there is air for me....I can't.
I'm in too deep.

I fear that my fear doesn't matter.
I'm in too deep and for once.....I think I'm going to stay here and see what it feels like for a while.
Ill take the plunge and risk the chance of losing my breath.
I'll stay too deep....and hope that this one time, you'll bring me to safety.

And she's back!

I'm happy to report that life is too short for me to stay pissed for too long. Being sad or upset doesn't accomplish anything....yes dad, you were totally right...and I'd rather just roll with the punches and be happy about the fact that I have so many great things in my life instead of focusing so much on the negative. That's that.

Oh and I had a dream I was pregnant. lol. Again, I'm not. Kinda hard to do when you practice abstinence.

My iPod came in the mail today...and it doesn't work. grrrr.....

♥
Courtney

I would like to...

kick today in the face. Better yet...kick my boss in the face. Can't things just go the way I want just ONCE!? ONCE!!!!?? That's all I'm asking for!! ONCE!

The End.

Babies and Temples

For the record...I am NOT pregnant. It seems that all of my best friends are....but I am not. I am not even married...or close to being married for that matter. I'm not bitter. Just feel like I'm in last place sometimes. But as I said last night, I'm just running a different race I guess. It is strange...being in my mid twenties and having a majority of my closest friends (that are close to my age) married, having babies or on the verge of marriage. I'm still standing on my own in my singledom and fabulousness. I've thought a lot about it...emotionally I could get married tomorrow if given the opportunity, but physically I know I'm not ready. If that doesn't make sense to you...asking yourself "How is one physically ready to be in a relationship?" then I guess my best answer is being ready to be touched. Being ready to be physically comfortable in the relationship is a bigger part of it than a lot of realize. That underlying attraction is what can pull us closer together or keep us at an arm's length. Right now, an arms length is where I'm at and where I'm staying for a while. I want to be able to give someone all of me without holding back or being self conscious at all. That is going to take some time.

I had a thought this morning while I was straightening my hair pondering my life. And the thought occurred to me that before this life, in our premortal existence, I believe that we were prepared for and even accepting of the challenges we would face in this life. We knew what we were getting ourselves into. Even those who are handicapped mentally or physically...they are among the Lord's most choice servants because they accepted to live mortality in a much more challenging way than the rest of us. I felt a bit of that when I first being introduced to the Gospel and when I was baptized. I felt very strongly that Aubri and I were friends in the pre-mortal existence and that we made a pact to find each other in mortality. I knew that I was going to be born into a family that didn't have the Gospel...and I accepted the challenges that I have been faced with in this life. I knew that I would have to search for the Gospel...but once I found it, it would feel like home. I'm happy to report that I did, in fact, find my way back. And I'm working everyday on making my way home. It's hard sometimes, even though its such a huge part of our lives to live the Gospel, that there really is more to this life than what we see on the surface. We lived before this life and we will live on after it....

On another similar note, I am happy to report that I am making my journey to entering the temple to receive my endowments. I have been praying, pondering and fasting about this for quite some time now...and the Lord and I are on the same page. It's all about progressing...and that's what I'm working on. (If you're reading this and am thinking "what the heck is she talking about?", you can learn more about my beliefs and the temple at www.mormon.org.)

I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the Gospel of miracles. I love it with all of my heart. ♥ ♥ ♥

I had a great time babysitting my most adorable niece and nephew last night. My little babies are growing up so fast!! I wish I had a camera so I could take pictures for you. All in due time. I'm working on purchasing a camera soon. My dad told me he was buying me one...but that was like 7 months ago....so I'm not expecting anything.

I had a great time talking to one of my favorites on the phone last night again. I truly enjoy all interaction with him. Before you go rushing off with thoughts...we are just friends. Good friends. And I'll keep it at that.

Quinn is a daddy now. I couldn't be happier for him. I can't believe it!!! But he will make the most amazing father. That I'm sure of.

That's my update :)

Happy Sabbath!

♥ Courtney

I retract...

I'm better now ;) I humbled myself and realized I was being a retard. I am glad I am needed and love to help people. More later.......

Selfish words....

Just wondering when someone will call me just to say hi and see how my day is instead of always asking favors. I know...i'm being totally selfish and rude but I just needed to get that out of my head and out in the world because it seems that the only thing I'm good for is the fact that I know a lot of people.

Please forgive my selfishness. There's no excuse for it. It's just how I feel today.

Spring into Summer Cleaning...

The house is clean...and more importantly...my CAR is clean. What a lovely feeling!

I am happy to report that life is just grand. Sure, there are bumps and stress but I have really felt great about things lately. I finally have given it all to the Lord and know that he will take care of me. I like it when he helps anyways!! My life has been filled with great music lately (props to a great friend for some terrific finds). I've always been a John Mayer fan but never really listened to anything other than what is on the radio. Let me tell you....his songs are incredible. Summer is FINALLY here and man has it been a stormy start!!! I'm starting to get excited about the warm weather, sunshine, windows down and being able to go camping and to the beach! I'll always be an Indiana girl...but I think I'm a west coaster at heart. I love water and nature. I feel like I'm whole and can really appreciate the Earth and the creation when I'm sitting and staring at a beautiful lake or ocean.

I've been spending and devoting a lot of time lately to helping a friend as he journeys through becoming the man he wants to be...and the man I already see. He's a pretty incredible person...and I can post that publicly because I tell him all the time! He's a convert to the LDS church of about 18 months and has had his fair share of ups and downs. I just look at him and see this incredible strength and determination. We talk and talk and talk about the Gospel and I LOVE IT! A couple of times we have sat and read the Scriptures in his car before leaving the church parking lot and let me tell you...I pretty much love reading the scriptures with him. It's so uplifting! I am so blessed to have met him and enjoy being able to help one another on this journey called LIFE! The thing more than anything that he has helped me with is really appreciating life and being more optimistic. I was really struggling with that...and he was struggling in other areas of his life. So we've been able to help one another. It's a pretty incredible feeling to help and be helped in that capacity. He probably gets sick of me bugging him...nah...he probably loves it! lol.

Tomorrow is already Friday...where on earth did this weekend go!? CRAZY! It flew by!! I have had the apartment to myself this week and it's been quiet...I have enjoyed having some time to myself lately but I do miss Amy. I'm not sure what this weekend will bring...but I'm excited about it. I have some great options...I'm just not sure which direction to go in yet!!!

PS. Have I mentioned how much I love music?! I FINALLY BOUGHT AN IPOD!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOO excited about it! It's 6GB and holds up to 1500 songs! I already have almost 400 songs on my computer and I've only had the computer for a month or so since it crashed on me! I can't wait to be able to take all my music with me wherever I go!!! WHOO!!! haha.

So now I am just waiting on my laundry to get done. I made a final decision to make the colors in my bedroom blue, teal and chocolate brown/tan. I tried out black but I'm just not feeling it. It's always good to keep back up sheets though. :)

Okay...well I think I'm going to do some reading while my laundry is finishing up!

♥ Court