They're called affirmations.

I sit here with my mind blank. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot...and I think that gets me in trouble. I feel things so deeply and have so many hopes and desires. Am I setting myself up for to always be disappointed? How do you adjust to having no expectations? I wear my hopes on my chest for the world to see. It's been so long since I've been loved unconditionally, held through the night, or adored...and I crave it. That feeling. I crave to remember what it's like to have someone in love with you....and you love them back. I remember laying in bed and being held....just having the touch of another person. Even when you're upset with them...you love them so you cry and yell and beg for forgiveness and you make up. Making up is sometimes really good. I need to get over this feeling, but it's so hard. So alone. That's how I feel and I might as well a neon sign that says it. ALONE. ATTENTION PLEASE! THIS GIRL IS ALONE. And all that does is make me appear needy...and who wants to be needy? Certainly I do not. I can stand on my own two feet. But sometimes I don't want to....sometimes I want to lean on someone...give my tired feet a rest.

I know I must sound so sad and depressed...that's not the case at all....I just feel things. I say what I feel. It's one of my noblest qualities....I am honest and I communicate. Whether it hurts or helps is up to someone else, but it's who I am. If I kept it all in, I would suffocate under the pressure to bottle it all up.

A man once looked at me and said "I can tell by looking at you that you have a carefree spirit. You would run with the wind if you could, wouldn't you?" How this man was able to tell that by looking at me I'm unsure, but my answer to this man is YES. I get so caught up in my emotions sometimes that I can't stand it! Maybe that's why I'm a musician and why I love art and nature so much. I feel every emotion....and sometimes I can fake it and pretend that everything is okay, but for the most part, I will always say how I feel at that very moment. It doesn't mean I'll always feel that way...I can be very fickle. Wow, I'm mounting up so many positive qualities about myself! haha.

There will come a day when the desires of my heart are fulfilled. I know this. I don't know when...and the Lord's timing is better than my own. It's hard. It's a constant struggle. But it will be worth it. As a human, it's a part of my nature to want someone. As a woman, the nature intensifies. And as Courtney, through the life that I have led, it is my everything.

I can be patient. I can wait. I will be patient. I will wait.

Until then, I'll just keep writing! :)