Selfish words....

Just wondering when someone will call me just to say hi and see how my day is instead of always asking favors. I know...i'm being totally selfish and rude but I just needed to get that out of my head and out in the world because it seems that the only thing I'm good for is the fact that I know a lot of people.

Please forgive my selfishness. There's no excuse for it. It's just how I feel today.

Spring into Summer Cleaning...

The house is clean...and more importantly...my CAR is clean. What a lovely feeling!

I am happy to report that life is just grand. Sure, there are bumps and stress but I have really felt great about things lately. I finally have given it all to the Lord and know that he will take care of me. I like it when he helps anyways!! My life has been filled with great music lately (props to a great friend for some terrific finds). I've always been a John Mayer fan but never really listened to anything other than what is on the radio. Let me tell you....his songs are incredible. Summer is FINALLY here and man has it been a stormy start!!! I'm starting to get excited about the warm weather, sunshine, windows down and being able to go camping and to the beach! I'll always be an Indiana girl...but I think I'm a west coaster at heart. I love water and nature. I feel like I'm whole and can really appreciate the Earth and the creation when I'm sitting and staring at a beautiful lake or ocean.

I've been spending and devoting a lot of time lately to helping a friend as he journeys through becoming the man he wants to be...and the man I already see. He's a pretty incredible person...and I can post that publicly because I tell him all the time! He's a convert to the LDS church of about 18 months and has had his fair share of ups and downs. I just look at him and see this incredible strength and determination. We talk and talk and talk about the Gospel and I LOVE IT! A couple of times we have sat and read the Scriptures in his car before leaving the church parking lot and let me tell you...I pretty much love reading the scriptures with him. It's so uplifting! I am so blessed to have met him and enjoy being able to help one another on this journey called LIFE! The thing more than anything that he has helped me with is really appreciating life and being more optimistic. I was really struggling with that...and he was struggling in other areas of his life. So we've been able to help one another. It's a pretty incredible feeling to help and be helped in that capacity. He probably gets sick of me bugging him...nah...he probably loves it! lol.

Tomorrow is already Friday...where on earth did this weekend go!? CRAZY! It flew by!! I have had the apartment to myself this week and it's been quiet...I have enjoyed having some time to myself lately but I do miss Amy. I'm not sure what this weekend will bring...but I'm excited about it. I have some great options...I'm just not sure which direction to go in yet!!!

PS. Have I mentioned how much I love music?! I FINALLY BOUGHT AN IPOD!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOO excited about it! It's 6GB and holds up to 1500 songs! I already have almost 400 songs on my computer and I've only had the computer for a month or so since it crashed on me! I can't wait to be able to take all my music with me wherever I go!!! WHOO!!! haha.

So now I am just waiting on my laundry to get done. I made a final decision to make the colors in my bedroom blue, teal and chocolate brown/tan. I tried out black but I'm just not feeling it. It's always good to keep back up sheets though. :)

Okay...well I think I'm going to do some reading while my laundry is finishing up!

♥ Court

I would say random is appropriate.

I seemed to have left myself behind when you're around because I'm not quite sure who I am when you appear. I seem to lose myself by the sight of you. I seem to forget what to say, or which direction to go without knowing yours. I seem to be quite a bit confused.

John Mayer is rocking my socks off right now with this guitar solo.

Today was a bit of an accomplishment for me...and although to most it seems, well, trivial and juvenile, to me...it was a pretty big deal. I drove all the way to brownsburg and home with NO problems. I sat through a two hour conference on the stand and had NO problems (other than it being RIDICULOUSLY hot in that chapel!). My panic attacks have seemed to run away again...let's just hope that this time, they stay gone!!! Considering less than three months ago I could barely drive down the road...and sitting in the back row of the chapel would get me all panic-like....this is a HUGE accomplishment! I am so happy....and so glad to feel normal! I'm not saying I'm cured...but I am saying that things are going in the right direction!

I am really grateful for my life.

Okay I think that's it for now.

♥ Courtney

Man...I had an epiphany.

Here's the deal folks...and this is the real deal...or for you Utah folks, this is the "ril dil".

We all have the life we want. We have the power to choose every moment we wish to live in or not be a part of. Every thing we do is a decision in our life. Yes, there may be moments in our life that are caused by someone else's actions, but for the most part, we choose who we want to be and where we want to be and who we want to be with.

Don't we all know this? Well if you didn't, I guess now we're all informed.

Why is it that it took me 23 years to figure this out?! Someone could have filled me in on that before...lol.

Upcoming topics..

The following topics will soon be discussed...

I am telling you this now because I don't want to forget!

1. A woman's wait (and her eternal role)

2. True Faith (and how I seem to be lacking it in certain areas)

Okay those are it for now....I would divulge now but I must get some sleep. I have, I fear, a busy and stressful day ahead of me tomorrow. Back to work I go!

♥ Courtney

Jazzy Baby

So I haven't listened to jazz music in a long time until recently...and I forgot how much I loved it. The brass, the piano, the drums, and that bass line....it's perfect harmony. So what I'm getting at is if you haven't listened to jazz...you should! It will change your life. A friend introduced me to a really great artist...Peter Cincotti (there is two artists by this name...but only one in the jazz genre).

Tomorrow is memorial day. No work! WHOO HOO!!! Hoping to spend the day relaxing...hopefully the weather is nice and I can enjoy my favorite thing in the world (NATURE!!!!). I'm also hoping to do something fun with friends if time allows.

I found church to very uplifting today. I am grateful for the gift of the Holy Spirit. I know that this Gospel is truly the only way to have complete peace and joy. There is nothing else like it.

My tired eyes must rest now. Goodnight all.

PS. Happy Birthday Kelly!!!

Love on crack....

We get so wrapped up in it. It engulfs our every thought, our every move, our every word. Love is undoubtedly the single strongest emotion created. We feel it in every fiber. It causes pain and joy to our maximum level of feeling. We hope for it. We long for it. We strive for it. All in all, it is our very motivation for living.

We just want to love and be loved in return.

Hundreds and thousands of songs have been sung about love. What is it about this that moves us so? Why do we lose sleep...countless hours of precious sleep, over our pain and misery due to love? We can experience the most intense sense of joy and happiness when our love is validated...but the moment we question love's allegiance we are capable of disabling grief, fear, or pain.


We just want to love and be loved in return.

Something in our minds make us tick a certain way, towards a certain person. We're not all compatible with one another. If you have read any of my entries about love and relationships, you'll know that I am fascinated by our attractions to others. What makes us attracted to a certain type of person? Why does "like" tend to stay with "like". In school, many labels are placed on individuals....jock, prep, punk, emo, alternative, nerd, geek....and although the lines might be more blurred by age and time, we are still those labels. As a whole, we tend to still run with our own type...and date our own type...and eventually marry our own type.

So I guess my frustration lies in the fact that I never really fit a "type". I guess I was always well known...many considered me "popular" by definition. I have a demanding personality...of this I am all too aware. But I never felt like I really fit in with the "popular" kids...even though I was one of them. I never fit their stereotypes. I wasn't a bitch or super beautiful. I was smart, funny, and nice to people. I loved sports and wanted to be involved in as much as possible. I was somewhat of a social overachiever...not so much academically.

So back to the topic at hand. We just want to love and be loved in return.

It is in our very nature, our very soul to have the desire to love someone. And more importantly, we spend our whole lives searching and longing to be loved in return. We spend hours of time and gobs of money on being the very person we think someone else will want. I guess in the eternal perspective, we are trying to find that person who can tolerate us forever and ever. Someone that we don't get so bored with that we seek elsewhere. Can you imagine the thought of finding someone that not only wants to be with you for eternity, but that you actually want to be with them too? What a miracle that is!!! I am the type of person that feels so deeply. I get so caught up in analyzing everything that letting things happen is almost impossible. Maybe that's the key...find someone you can love forever without smothering them. Find someone you love so much that you want to wake up next to them every morning and go to bed next to them every night...but that you also want to trust enough to let them have their own space.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this....


Love is like crack and I don't understand it one bit.

Paint on my fingernails...

Why does it seem like as soon as I get focused...something comes along to mess it up!! Okay....back to focused....

Ready? GO!

The small things...

"Don't men know that all women want is to have babies?".....

I just wanted to throw that quote out there because I found it to be endearing and sweet by my good friend. She is so right...we really aren't as complex as everyone makes it out to be. We just want to love and take care of someone...and be loved and taken care of in return. Pretty simple stuff!!!

On a different note, I had a small little revelation I'd like to share with you. It's called "putting the Lord first". Who would have thought that this would be a grand revelation in my life! It's not like I don't ever put him first, or that he isn't a HUGE priority already, but putting his will first in my life, and then taking care of myself, is how we obtain everything else in life we want. I know what I want most in life, but I also know that I have to be VERY patient to get it. I know that in order to have what I really want, I need to put the Lord first, myself second, and the rest will fall into place. That's just how it should go!!

Yesterday I was being tempted pretty hardcore and I did everything I knew to resist it and it worked! One of my plans even backfired but I sucked it up and kept going, kept resisting. It felt nice to know that I can be stronger if I really try. I had to pray for help. I had to seek out a divine distraction. And in the end, I won. HAHA SATAN!!! lol

I've also started to see how Satan is trying to distract me and bring me down by putting a lot of self doubt in my head. I have spent years never questioning myself and having confidence in who I am and what I stand for...and for the past three years, Satan has spent all that time putting situations in my life that have caused me to doubt myself or become disappointed. He has set trap after trap because he knows my greatest weakness. Now that I've finally seen this, maybe once and for all I can overcome it! I have no reason to doubt myself....I only have reason to keep working to be a better person for my sake and my sake only.

On this same topic.....it has been more and more apparent to me how long I have been single. And going along with what was said in the paragraph above....WHY!? I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but I'm pretty flippin fabulous...so why am I still searching? Maybe it's because I dated so many guys that I settled for that I finally decided the next guy would be someone I didn't settle for...but someone I had to work for, someone that pushes me to be better just because of who they are, someone who I admire and respect for the way they live their life...and most importantly, someone who can look at me and see past the outside. I dont think the outside is bad necessarily, but eventually looks fade and what you're left with is their core...the person they are on the inside. I want someone who looks at me and sees me in a different way than the natural man. So I guess I just answered my own question...because let's face it...those guys are hard to find! Especially when you live in Indiana.....not exactly living in the land of mormon men here.

So that's my ramblings for today.

PS...I'm almost done with the new testament. I'm pretty pumped.

Patience...

I need some. You got any I can borrow?