I would say random is appropriate.

I seemed to have left myself behind when you're around because I'm not quite sure who I am when you appear. I seem to lose myself by the sight of you. I seem to forget what to say, or which direction to go without knowing yours. I seem to be quite a bit confused.

John Mayer is rocking my socks off right now with this guitar solo.

Today was a bit of an accomplishment for me...and although to most it seems, well, trivial and juvenile, to me...it was a pretty big deal. I drove all the way to brownsburg and home with NO problems. I sat through a two hour conference on the stand and had NO problems (other than it being RIDICULOUSLY hot in that chapel!). My panic attacks have seemed to run away again...let's just hope that this time, they stay gone!!! Considering less than three months ago I could barely drive down the road...and sitting in the back row of the chapel would get me all panic-like....this is a HUGE accomplishment! I am so happy....and so glad to feel normal! I'm not saying I'm cured...but I am saying that things are going in the right direction!

I am really grateful for my life.

Okay I think that's it for now.

♥ Courtney

Man...I had an epiphany.

Here's the deal folks...and this is the real deal...or for you Utah folks, this is the "ril dil".

We all have the life we want. We have the power to choose every moment we wish to live in or not be a part of. Every thing we do is a decision in our life. Yes, there may be moments in our life that are caused by someone else's actions, but for the most part, we choose who we want to be and where we want to be and who we want to be with.

Don't we all know this? Well if you didn't, I guess now we're all informed.

Why is it that it took me 23 years to figure this out?! Someone could have filled me in on that before...lol.

Upcoming topics..

The following topics will soon be discussed...

I am telling you this now because I don't want to forget!

1. A woman's wait (and her eternal role)

2. True Faith (and how I seem to be lacking it in certain areas)

Okay those are it for now....I would divulge now but I must get some sleep. I have, I fear, a busy and stressful day ahead of me tomorrow. Back to work I go!

♥ Courtney

Jazzy Baby

So I haven't listened to jazz music in a long time until recently...and I forgot how much I loved it. The brass, the piano, the drums, and that bass line....it's perfect harmony. So what I'm getting at is if you haven't listened to jazz...you should! It will change your life. A friend introduced me to a really great artist...Peter Cincotti (there is two artists by this name...but only one in the jazz genre).

Tomorrow is memorial day. No work! WHOO HOO!!! Hoping to spend the day relaxing...hopefully the weather is nice and I can enjoy my favorite thing in the world (NATURE!!!!). I'm also hoping to do something fun with friends if time allows.

I found church to very uplifting today. I am grateful for the gift of the Holy Spirit. I know that this Gospel is truly the only way to have complete peace and joy. There is nothing else like it.

My tired eyes must rest now. Goodnight all.

PS. Happy Birthday Kelly!!!

Love on crack....

We get so wrapped up in it. It engulfs our every thought, our every move, our every word. Love is undoubtedly the single strongest emotion created. We feel it in every fiber. It causes pain and joy to our maximum level of feeling. We hope for it. We long for it. We strive for it. All in all, it is our very motivation for living.

We just want to love and be loved in return.

Hundreds and thousands of songs have been sung about love. What is it about this that moves us so? Why do we lose sleep...countless hours of precious sleep, over our pain and misery due to love? We can experience the most intense sense of joy and happiness when our love is validated...but the moment we question love's allegiance we are capable of disabling grief, fear, or pain.


We just want to love and be loved in return.

Something in our minds make us tick a certain way, towards a certain person. We're not all compatible with one another. If you have read any of my entries about love and relationships, you'll know that I am fascinated by our attractions to others. What makes us attracted to a certain type of person? Why does "like" tend to stay with "like". In school, many labels are placed on individuals....jock, prep, punk, emo, alternative, nerd, geek....and although the lines might be more blurred by age and time, we are still those labels. As a whole, we tend to still run with our own type...and date our own type...and eventually marry our own type.

So I guess my frustration lies in the fact that I never really fit a "type". I guess I was always well known...many considered me "popular" by definition. I have a demanding personality...of this I am all too aware. But I never felt like I really fit in with the "popular" kids...even though I was one of them. I never fit their stereotypes. I wasn't a bitch or super beautiful. I was smart, funny, and nice to people. I loved sports and wanted to be involved in as much as possible. I was somewhat of a social overachiever...not so much academically.

So back to the topic at hand. We just want to love and be loved in return.

It is in our very nature, our very soul to have the desire to love someone. And more importantly, we spend our whole lives searching and longing to be loved in return. We spend hours of time and gobs of money on being the very person we think someone else will want. I guess in the eternal perspective, we are trying to find that person who can tolerate us forever and ever. Someone that we don't get so bored with that we seek elsewhere. Can you imagine the thought of finding someone that not only wants to be with you for eternity, but that you actually want to be with them too? What a miracle that is!!! I am the type of person that feels so deeply. I get so caught up in analyzing everything that letting things happen is almost impossible. Maybe that's the key...find someone you can love forever without smothering them. Find someone you love so much that you want to wake up next to them every morning and go to bed next to them every night...but that you also want to trust enough to let them have their own space.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this....


Love is like crack and I don't understand it one bit.

Paint on my fingernails...

Why does it seem like as soon as I get focused...something comes along to mess it up!! Okay....back to focused....

Ready? GO!

The small things...

"Don't men know that all women want is to have babies?".....

I just wanted to throw that quote out there because I found it to be endearing and sweet by my good friend. She is so right...we really aren't as complex as everyone makes it out to be. We just want to love and take care of someone...and be loved and taken care of in return. Pretty simple stuff!!!

On a different note, I had a small little revelation I'd like to share with you. It's called "putting the Lord first". Who would have thought that this would be a grand revelation in my life! It's not like I don't ever put him first, or that he isn't a HUGE priority already, but putting his will first in my life, and then taking care of myself, is how we obtain everything else in life we want. I know what I want most in life, but I also know that I have to be VERY patient to get it. I know that in order to have what I really want, I need to put the Lord first, myself second, and the rest will fall into place. That's just how it should go!!

Yesterday I was being tempted pretty hardcore and I did everything I knew to resist it and it worked! One of my plans even backfired but I sucked it up and kept going, kept resisting. It felt nice to know that I can be stronger if I really try. I had to pray for help. I had to seek out a divine distraction. And in the end, I won. HAHA SATAN!!! lol

I've also started to see how Satan is trying to distract me and bring me down by putting a lot of self doubt in my head. I have spent years never questioning myself and having confidence in who I am and what I stand for...and for the past three years, Satan has spent all that time putting situations in my life that have caused me to doubt myself or become disappointed. He has set trap after trap because he knows my greatest weakness. Now that I've finally seen this, maybe once and for all I can overcome it! I have no reason to doubt myself....I only have reason to keep working to be a better person for my sake and my sake only.

On this same topic.....it has been more and more apparent to me how long I have been single. And going along with what was said in the paragraph above....WHY!? I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but I'm pretty flippin fabulous...so why am I still searching? Maybe it's because I dated so many guys that I settled for that I finally decided the next guy would be someone I didn't settle for...but someone I had to work for, someone that pushes me to be better just because of who they are, someone who I admire and respect for the way they live their life...and most importantly, someone who can look at me and see past the outside. I dont think the outside is bad necessarily, but eventually looks fade and what you're left with is their core...the person they are on the inside. I want someone who looks at me and sees me in a different way than the natural man. So I guess I just answered my own question...because let's face it...those guys are hard to find! Especially when you live in Indiana.....not exactly living in the land of mormon men here.

So that's my ramblings for today.

PS...I'm almost done with the new testament. I'm pretty pumped.

Patience...

I need some. You got any I can borrow?

All I can do is keep breathing

The title is one of my favorite lines to my favorite song. This past week has been a testament of that. I have been in a FABULOUS mood for the most part in the past few days. Things are going along well....it's been tiring and stressful at times but all in all, life is happening and I'm finally learning to just live moment to moment and just enjoy it! Breathe it all in!

So my boss walked out on Monday...no notice...just kind of looked at me and said "Um, I just don't think I can do this anymore" and around lunch time. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. So she's gone and it's pretty much back to normal. I'm running the show now...not officially but I'll be having that conversation with the big boss next week. I know what I want...and it's a matter of making a compromise to benefit us both. So please keep me in your prayers and I am able to get a good raise. I need it!!! I kind of deserve it to, I think! :)

Have you ever met someone that you can talk to for hours on end? I haven't had anyone in my life like that since....well I don't even know if I've ever had anyone in my life like that. I definitely haven't since becoming an adult. But a few weeks ago, someone pulled me aside and we had a nice chat. Then we talked on the phone for the first time....and two hours later, we found ourselves droopy eyed and fighting to stay awake so we finally got off the phone. The second time...three hours....and now, an hour and a half is the shortest conversation we've had. We talk about everything...the Gospel, love, life, relationships, cars, kitchens....and it's so great! So that's definitely been contributing to helping my mood stabilize through the chaos. It's nice to have someone that you can trust and pretty much tell them anything. Not only that, but to agree on opinions and seeing eye to eye...it's just fabulous! So I'm breathing that in right now and enjoying it while it lasts....

We are remodeling my office and I'm PUMPED about it! This weekend is when the ceramic tile is installed....I pray it's not a disaster and I can't wait to see the finished product. I'll take pictures for you!

PS. I love the Gospel.

-Court

Mother's Day

Today is always hit or miss with me. It's a day to reflect and celebrate our mothers. My mother is laid to rest in a small cemetery in Whitestown, Indiana. She died a little over 10 years ago. I think of her often. My mother was not a perfect woman, but her love for me was perfect and unconditional. She was a woman of many mistakes regarding finances...but she understood loyalty, compassion and how to be a nurturer. By definition of a mother, she was all I could have ever asked for. I never doubted her love for me and I never second guessed that I wasn't the most important thing to her in the world. I miss her laugh, her talks, her smile and her spirit but I am all the more grateful for my knowledge of the Gospel and of the eternal nature of the family. It is sad that my friends and future family will not know my mother in this life, but I have faith in the Lord that through His plan, we will all be together again in the life to come. I celebrate you, Mom. You have taught me a lot about how a great mom should be!

As I have been preparing to take out my endowments in the temple, I think often of my mother...for I will be able to do her work and help her progress along this journey with me. We always did everything together, so why not this?! I am so excited to go to the temple!! Church turned out to be a really great day and I really enjoyed the talks. They helped me keep perspective.

I know that families can be together forever...and that makes me very happy!

Mini Marathon 2008

It was an early, early morning today but an opportunity that really only comes along once a year. I am referring to working at a water station for the Mini Marathon (a 13.1 mile race). As a group, members from different wards come together, along with some great help from the missionaries and we encourage and pass out water to the runners/walkers. I saw so many people today...people who had trained and set a goal to finish this race. For whatever their reason, they were a source of inspiration to me!! I saw people of all sizes and shapes out there...determined to finish. The location of our station is prime as we see the runners twice...once at their first mile out and again when they only have one mile to go! It was incredible!! It's truly a rewarding and wonderful experience!!

Here are some pictures...they were taken on my camera phone so I'm sorry if they're not the greatest!

It's not the best picture but that that's my favorite place in the world! My home...good ol Indy!

They were identical twins!!! I think they were probably in the top 20 finishers.

You can't see it super well...but that is one of the leaders...imagine that, he's african. lol.

The sexiest car ever made....Chevrolet Corvette (official pace car of the 2008 Indy 500)

This is inspiration!!! This guy was the winner of the wheelchair.

Cups....lots and lots of cups!

This is a picture of the sea of people we handed out water to. We saw masses of people like this for two solid hours!!!