A Nurse's Trauma

I am more and more beginning to respect and admire nurses. I have a few friends who are in this profession and I listen to them talk about their jobs -- a man who codes after surgery, a gunshot victim, cleaning up the feces of elderly patients -- it's all in a day's work. They check the vitals, assist the doctors, run the floors...and they do it just as I crunch numbers and file papers at my own job.

Obviously, I have a closely tied link to death and loss. It's been a part of my life -- all of our lives really -- since my Papaw Smith died when I was two. From there, a long list of relatives have passed, as well as friends.

I ran into a girl, my age, who is in her last year of nursing school and is doing rotations in the ICU right now. I hadn't spoken to her in a long while. I casually asked how she was doing and she replied with an abnormal response. "Oh well, I'm fine. Just watched some perfectly normal, healthy 23 year old guy die on a table today. But other than that, I'm just fine." Yeah, she sounded fine all right. She sounded pretty shaken up was more like it. He was 23 years old, perfectly healthy, attractive and ran into the back of a dump truck on a cloudy afternoon. Two hours later....he died.

I just remember the look on her face as she was describing the details of her assisting the doctors. He was internally bleeding and then started losing blood through his mouth. Her eyes were wide and she just stared intently into space as she was reliving her last few hours by his bedside. She just kept saying, "He was my age. I just can't believe he was my age." I felt for her. Then, she made a comment that again, took me by surprise. "I really hope he knew Jesus, because if he didn't, then the worst part is I know where he went when he died."

As odd as this may sound, I have a feeling of comfort wash over me as I looked into her fear stricken gaze. I knew exactly where he was. And more so, I knew that he would still have a fighting chance at eternal happiness, regardless of how he lived this life. I knew that although our God is just, he is also merciful and has devised this miraculous plan so that we might have peace and faith in our futures, even our eternal ones.

I have had many promptings, many revelations about our post mortal life. Perhaps it is because of my close link to the spirit world. I have always known and felt the close presence of my mother. Not in a creepy way, but in a reassuring, loving way. I hear her laugh when I life, I see her smile when I smile. As I think about death, I can't help but to think about life. It is because of my knowledge of the Gospel and Christ's atonement that I am able to have this peace. It wasn't always something I understood, but it is something I sought to gain a knowledge of. I prayed, pondered, studied and listened.

I assured my acquaintance that I knew that this man, regardless of his mortal nature, has passed through to a place where he will still continue to have opportunities to know the Savior and to learn of His plan. He is not immediately damned. If that was the case, there wouldn't be much hope for any of us. The final judgement has not come and there is much work to be done before this day. But I can also say, I know that this day is coming. The signs are all around us. It is our responsibility to ensure that we have oil in our lamps and are found prepared at the day of His glorious return.

Life is short. Even if you live to be 101, life passes by in the blink of an eye. Treasure it. Relish in it. Live it. But remember that life is eternal...even if we are damned to outer darkness, we are eternal beings. I desire eternal happiness. I desire to have a family that is one eternal round. That is why I choose to live that life I do. That is why I pray and study and do my best to be obedient to the commandments God has given us.

We are never guaranteed a tomorrow. Wake up every day as if it were on purpose. (Okay, Okay, I stole that last one from "Hitch"...)

FIYA.

Autumn is hands down my favorite time of year. Of course I enjoy the Spring and Summer (and even Winter to some degree!) but Autumn is where the world puts on a beautiful show. The dying trees transform into a miraculous palette of beautiful colors before they shed their leafy coat. Shades of red, gold, yellow, green, purple....mmmmm....it's almost delicious to me.

It causes me to reflect on the seasons of our lives. Just as we experience seasons year in and year out, our very own lives can be represented by the seasons. I won't spend too much time going over the details in my mind...but I hope that you will take time to ponder that. What season of life are you in? I think we spend most of our lives in the Summer season. I'd love to know your thoughts.

With Autumn comes a lot of fun activities!!! Of course, haunted houses are great! But one of my favorite things is probably going to bonfires. Roasting marshmallows and hot dogs around a huge fire that is keeping you warm while the brisk air is fighting to keep you cold. You're wearing your favorite jeans, sweatshirt and comfy shoes, and don't forget your favorite scarf and maybe even your gloves and hat (depending on where you live of course). You cuddle up with your friends and drink hot cider and laugh and talk. The night is clear and the stars are in abundance. I can't get enough of it sometimes. Last night we had a bonfire out in Lebanon, IN. I'm slightly obsessed with starry skies and the stars were RIDICULOUS last night. I could have laid down and stared at them for countless hours. I feel a little bit closer to God each time I am able to marvel in His creation. Last night was no different.

So here are some fun photos of the activity last night! Enjoy!



Our dinner dates for the evening... Jon, Jared, Me and Megan.



Me and Larry. Probably my favorite picture of the night.




Advice: Yes, the chocolate can melt if you hold the entire s'more over the fire. However, the bottom of the graham cracker ends up looking like......




this.

A road less traveled.

A wise boy told me that opposition comes in all things...I guess that includes...blogs?! It appears I have a "non-fan" in my midst. Someone who has nothing nice to say, yet chooses to check my blog and in fact, continue to attempt to say these not nice things. Seriously folks....do you have nothing better to do?

I am not a negative person. Therefore, why should I have such negativity on my blog? I'm a pretty self aware person, and address several of my flaws on this very blog. So why do I need someone else to remind me of the flaws I am so painfully aware of already?

I digress.

Yesterday I went through one of those self serve car washes. You know. The ones that have the individual bays where you pay in quarters to wash your car down with a high pressure squirt gun and brush that appears to spew sudsy foam at rapid speed. (It could have done without so much foam, if you ask me.)




As a kid, my mom used to go through these car washes and I thought they were nothing short of phenomenal. I'll admit that as an adult, I became a sell-out to the fancy, sometimes overpriced, car wash chains that do all the grunt work while I casually sit in my leather seats with the radio and a/c still on watching the water and soap go on and come off in a quick swipe (praying that I remembered to roll up all of my windows...let's not get me started on when you realize you've left one cracked when water comes pouring in). Who can forget the most powerful dryers known to common man at the end?! What I wouldn't give to have a room like that to stand in at home to dry my hair some mornings (Is it just me or does it sometimes take too much effort to dry hair...especially those mornings when you really don't feel like getting ready, but you have too much pride to walk out with wet hair that will eventually look like a stringy, flat mess if you let it air dry).

Although I do relish in the nostalgia of old fashioned, do-it-yourself car washes, it's the part after the washing of the car has taken place that I most enjoyed. That ridiculous (but very smart and handy) dryer room does not exist at my self-serve car wash bay. You have to dry your car the old fashioned way...with a towel...or.....

drive as fast as possible. I chose the latter (clearly...because if you know me at all, you know that I like to drive fast!)

It would have probably been the best method had it been slightly warmer and sunnier, as yesterday was a decently cool autumn day (and dreary...). But all in all, it doesn't matter if the sky is blue or gray. When you're driving down a country road at ____ mph with the radio blasting, it just feels good. There's no one else on the road (and let's pray no cops on the side of that road) to get in your way. Harvested fields all around. Big farm houses. Tree lines speckled with the gorgeous autumn reds, yellows and golds. Your cares and fears subside. It's just you and the road. Just drive and sing. At the top of your lungs. It's not REAL singing unless it's so loud and so bad (and by bad I, of course, mean good...because we all sound good when we're in the car by ourselves) that you can't hear anything other than yourself and the incredible song you're jamming out to.

So ten miles later, and a couple of great songs....

your car is dry. Your vocal chords strained.

And you, well, I don't know about you. But me? I'm as happy as a clam.

Which leads me to another question...

How do we know that clams are happy? I mean..do they have lips and teeth in which to smile? Perhaps another day....or not.

Letters.

For all of you that have followed my blog have understood that for the past few weeks (months, in a way) I have been trying to move on after "le friend" (see previous entries for references) started dating someone and I had to face the fact that our friendship was going to drastically change and the fact that this friend was never going to be more.

I write not only for myself, but for others. Hopefully someone can take my experiences and learn from them. I received a revelation quite some time ago that I have gone through trials so that I might have the ability to help others in their trials. This trial is another example of such circumstances.

I wanted to start working on a book that is comprised of letters to various people in my life. I started with writing letters to "le friend" right after he had started dating this girl and I was dealing with a lot of hurt feelings. It is in blog form, as most of my writing is (exception of my journal for my spiritual thoughts...that is still in good ol' written form). I didn't post this blog link until just a couple of days ago...because I had moved past the hurt and on to trying a creative approach to things. I posted a link under my "blog obsession" where I have my diet blog. (It's a sickness...blogging...I really could be obsessed.) Well unfortunately, I am making this blog private again because I don't want anyone's feelings to get any more hurt than they might already be. It was meant to help me heal and to also work on my creative writing skills. I certainly don't want someone to be hurt through that process though.

I am and always will be someone who speaks my mind. I have no ill intentions towards anyone...and I mean that. (Okay, maybe towards terrorists...but even then we are commanded to love our enemies, ugh, if only I could be more like Jesus). I enjoy telling stories and hope that others get something from what I have to say. I hope that no one was hurt by what I have said about this situation with "le friend". I am not perfect. Never have claimed to be, never will claim to be.

So let's move on shall we?

Yes, we indeed, shall.

Fabulous Quotes and Poems.

life is becoming.
less livable.
with each new person I meet
I wonder, is this the day
fate has chosen, or is fate
what I have chosen to get me
through the day?
loving
is the most
creative
force in the universe.
the memory of loving,
the most
destructive.




--------------------------------------------



To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose
under the heaven.
A time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant,
and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace.




---------------------------------------------------------------------




My life has fallen down
around me before
--lots of times,
for lots of reasons--
usually other people.

And most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain and desolation
that followed.

And I survived.

And I live to love again.

But this,

this slow erosion from below
--or within--
it's me falling down around my life
because you're still in that life--but not really.
And you're out of that life--but not quite.
I do all right alone,

and better together,
but I do very poorly when semi-together.
In solitude
I do much,
in love I do more,
but in doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections.

Come to stay
or
stay away.

This series of passion poems
is becoming a heavy cross to bare.


------------------------------------------------------------




the sun will rise
in a few minutes. it's been doing it
--regularly--
for as long as I
can remember.
maybe I should
pin my hopes
on important,
but often
unnoticed,
certainties
like that, not on such relatively
trivial matters as
whether you will ever
love me
or not
I must conquer my loneliness

alone.

I must be happy with myself
or I have
nothing
to offer.

Two halves have
little choice
but to
join,
and yes,
they do
make a
whole.

but two
wholes,
when they coincide. . .
that is
beauty.
that is
love.


--------------------------------------------------


This last one is my favorite. It's also probably the most applicable to my current state of being. (Note: All poems are taken from a book about surviving a loss.)

The definition of insanity...

The definition of insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

I think it's safe to say that I could be insane. I had a very minor setback tonight on closing the last chapter....allow me to continue.

"It's taken a while to figure this all out....to see how every thing has led itself up to this moment in time. I stood in the rain last night for about 15 minutes and just listened. I felt each rain drop touch my skin. I felt each drop of moisture frizz out my hair. I just felt it all. I broke down. I painted. I talked. I cried. Today I feel better. Tomorrow, who knows. But my hope is in the up and up. Time has healed my heart many times before....and time stops for no man....so I'm sure that time is on my side once again."

This is a quote from a blog entry in December of last year. I was suffering from being rejected. Do we see a pattern here? I would ask if we see a pattern developing, but I'm quite sure the that pattern has, in fact, been developed and has grown like some non-malignant tumor in my heart.

I keep thinking about the movie, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days". Great movie, might I add (Matthew Mc..is on FIRE). I think the title of the last four years of my life would be, "How to be man's best friend, until he finds a girlfriend". Sadly enough, I'm comparing myself a little bit to the other "man's best friend". I'm loyal and obedient. Pretty pathetic, no? If a man wants a dog, then he can buy a dog. So what do I do wrong? There has to be something that I'm doing that is putting me in the friend zone and keeping me trapped there like a zoo animal.

As women, we see another woman and immediately start making lists of things in our heads about what she has that you don't and vice versa. She's skinner, you're funnier. She's smarter, you're more compassionate. Just these stupid pros and cons that make us look at ourselves with a fine toothed comb until we essentially loath ourselves because we feel like we'll never measure up. I don't think men do that....at least if they do, it's not nearly to the extent of women.

Our brains are so complex and detailed (sorry guys, but I don't know if yours really are that complex....but because ours are we over analyze everything you do to make it seem like a complex issue, when really it's not). We over think, over analyze, over evaluate, over do everything. Why? Where does it get us? Next stop....nowhere-ville.

So what's the new approach? How do you cure the insanity?

Should I just accept a life of singledom and stop worrying? Should I just stop looking and hope that I will find the love of my life in the spirit world with some strapping, single stripling warrior or something?

That's what I've got to say about that.

The papers are IN!

There they are in all of their chopped-down-tree glory. My housing contract, the RULES (yikes....strict rules!), and my letter from BYU-I telling me when I can begin registering for classes!!!!

So it's really starting to sink in. Moving to Idaho and going back to school is going to happen. It just goes to show that if you want something bad enough, and it's within the realm of the Lord's will, it can and will happen. I waited patiently for this for so long...and worked on my application for two years. Once I realized that in order to get the financial assistance I needed, I had to wait for the glorious 24th birthday, I did exactly that. I waited.

Now, I have an apartment, financial aid money that more than covers tuition and housing (and probably even my trip out there...) and I'm well on my way.

Life does come full circle, my friends. The Lord does know our righteous desires and he does grant them...in His time.

Oh sweet blessed Rexburg, Idaho. My world awaits in your arms. I cannot wait to meet you.

And all you men in Rexburg..............

prepare yourself.

Dance!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of you may or may not know one of my favorite things in all the world is dancing. I think (and don't tell Singing that I told you this) but dancing could trump singing as far as the ranking of things I love most. I love anything that has to do with dancing, and if there is music on that has a beat of some sorts, it doesn't matter where I'm at...I can, and will dance to it. I love movies about dancing. I love all forms of dancing...ballet is so graceful and beautiful, but I am AMAZED by street dancers. Hip Hop is such a raw form of dancing. So there is a dancer, Robert Huffman, that I'm really into right now...he's a great dancer AND not too shabby on the eyes!



Enjoy!



He recently starred in the movie "Step Up 2: The Streets". This is the final dance scene. AMAZING.

Unforgettable

So I was reading one of my favorite random blogs (Clever Girl Goes Blog -- She's hilarious...and a great writer) and I had to steal this because I just loved it.

Enjoy!

Leaving a legacy.

There is so much that I want to tell you! I can barely keep in all in!

Life if going steadily along. Not perfect, but just plain good. I made a decision to be happy and guess what? I am. Yep. Happy. Me? You got it.

Things are really getting into full swing with school and preparing to leave. It's so close I can almost taste it. It's crazy weird though. In just a few weeks (we're counting down in WEEKS now) I'll be 1600 miles away going to school and probably loving almost every minute of it. My loan money finally showed up and I'm hoping that hits my bank account sooner rather than later because I have a LOT of stuff to do with it. Pay for housing, pay tuition, fix my car, payoff a couple of things.....let's hope I can cover all of it.

Work is...well, work. I can't say if I'll ever have a job that I'll be completely satisfied with until I'm doing something that I truly love. I'm just one of those people that has to love something to keep doing it. If not, I get bored. When I was a little girl I would get bored in school and end up getting trouble. I think it's safe to say that the same thing applies here.

I had this great idea on the way home tonight about someday starting a summer camp for children that is nothing but artistic things...singing, dancing, theatre, painting, photography, pottery, drawing, creative writing....I remember going to a camp like that as a kid and being so into it. We just took classes, but it was amazing. Obviously it's not something I can do right now, but I would like to start looking into it. I think summer of 2010 would be a great goal to work towards for having the first camp. I've got the logistics in my head...just got to get them out and get people to help!!

It's been an interesting journey these last couple of weeks....and I'm starting to remember me again. The creative, artsy, passionate me. The happy me. I don't know if she was completely lost, but I felt like she was farther away than I wanted her to be. Our talents are a part of our intelligence, therefore a part of our spirit. My talents are what make me feel whole....and I really think that they are what drive me to be my best self. I have a passion for helping others, but its through my talents that I'm able to do that. I feel so blessed to be given the talents that I have and I only hope I can use them for good.

I keep thinking about what I want to do with my life...my "life work" if you will. I just see myself working from home mostly....doing a lot of odd things here and there....and not having a "set job". I know it's not ideal, but that's really what I think would make me happiest. I see myself maybe giving a couple of voice lessons from home (I would have a small studio), and then working on something artistic, whether it be a piece of furniture I bought at a garage sale that I'm refurbishing or working on pottery (I've decided that I'm going to learn how to make pottery). Of course, I'll be documenting it by taking pictures of everything and writing it all down. Then making some food for someone, whether it be my family or someone else, volunteering sounds nice too. I really want a garden (organic, of course) where I can pick fresh vegetables and grow my own stuff. I would love to work in a cancer center or a children's hospital. I think it would make me feel good. The only issue I have is the fact that most of these things (exception of the voice lessons...) generate little to NO income. Hm....I'm sure I'll figure it out.

My cousin Sarah is a photographer (a very talented one, might I add -- and she does weddings if you're interested...) and she works at the Hannah House in Bloomington. It is a battered women and children's shelter. She explained how she wants to live a live of service and with that comes being poor but she loves it. Although I do not enjoy being poor, I think serving others is really where I find the most joy. And isn't that what life is all about?? Joy and peace!

I'm really excited for the holidays to creep up on us. I can't believe Thanksgiving is in like 6 weeks or something. CRAZY! (I need to start doing some Christmas shopping....)

I would hope that whatever you do with your life, it is what truly brings you joy. If you enjoy having money in the bank and working hard to earn that money...then go do it! We're all so different. It's amazing to me.

Well, my loves, I'm off to bed.

Remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus love you!! As do I!

♥♥ ♥

That bites.

I've been wearing tennis shoes all day...socks even (I hate socks...and I never wear them). So much to my dismay when I removed the socks and shoes, I have this massive bug bite on my foot.

And it itches really really bad!

One, Two, Cha Cha Cha!

Officially, I have three jobs. You'd think it would be hectic and crazy having so many jobs...but it's not really. My main gig, as a personal assistant, is fine and all but for some reason I can't handle doing it for more than 6 hours a day. If I "work" longer than that, I get really really irritable. I can't explain it. I just do.

My second job is one in which I mostly work from home. Remember my previous job as the Manager of Canal Overlook Apartments? Well I don't manage it anymore, but I provide training and keep up on the books for my old boss until he hires a new manager, and then I will help train them. Hopefully it will be something that stretches into December....I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I only work about 5-10 hours a week at that job.

And then there's my newest job....as a ChaCha guide. ChaCha is a question/answer service that is primarily hosted via text messaging. You text a question (mind you it can be ANY question, up to and including, "How are you?") and someone replies back within 3-10 minutes. In order to become a guide, you have to fill out some forms, take some tests (to make sure you can type quickly and efficiently and also that you're not a complete idiot) and viola! You're a guide! They have this masterminded search engine too....and you can find the answer to just about anything. It doesn't pay great, but it pays...and it's fun. I'm probably going to devote more time to it and see if it's worth the added income...but the great thing is I can do it in my pjs at midnight or in the middle of the day....whatever fits my schedule. I've already made $3 in the last two days. Again, it doesn't sound like a lot. So we'll see.....but I can also do it in Idaho...and while I'm traveling...and anywhere I can take my laptop and get a wireless connection. Saweeeeet.

Some of the questions I get asked are pretty crazy. The only downfall would be the fact that there is not a way to NOT get certain questions.

Example questions:

"I like my bf :)" ...that one was cute. You just reply back...
"Is God a man?"...I wanted so bad to tell him the doctrinal knowledge of my faith (and I did in a way, but as a guide you can't get too personal)
And my least favorite..."What is frontal a**". I was NOT happy when I saw this question. For all those who are curious...it's another way to say camel toe. Gross.

So other than the very rare idiot asking questions about sex, it's a pretty fun gig. I figure since I can't be shielded from the world entirely no matter what I do for a living, unless I work for the Church.

On another note, I'm doing much much better for all of you who have been reading my blog and have expressed your concern. I received a Priesthood blessing (I'll be happy to explain what that is if you're curious...) and I literally felt the power of God heal me. I know that sounds kinda crazy, but as he was pronouncing the blessing, I felt at complete peace. And I haven't had any crazy meltdowns since!! How grateful I am for the Gospel. I know that God lives. I know that Christ lives. I know that the Gospel fell into apostasy and had to be restored and I know that God called Joseph Smith to restore His gospel to the Earth for these, the Latter Days. (Questions? ) I love my Father in Heaven.

♥ ♥ Courtney ♥ ♥

Learning....Loving....and Letting Go.

I'm not quite sure where to start my writings to you today. Unfortunately, I will start with sad news.

Backstory...Anthony was my first real boyfriend at the age of 13 and remained my boyfriend off and on until I was 15 or so. Then after high school, he popped back into my life and we even lived together for a few months (not in a relationship kind of way...but in a roommate kind of way). He drank a lot...and he smoked...and I didn't want to be around it. So we went our seperate ways. He always called me every couple of months and we would talk. He gave me crap about being mormon, but I think the reality behind it was because I wouldn't sleep with him. He called about a month ago...we talked for a bit.

He died on October 6, 2008 from what appears to be a drug overdose.

How well aware am I that people die. How grateful am I that when they pass through that veil, they have the truth revealed to them in full force. Anthony never wanted to live a long life. I remember when we were kids he would talk about how he was going to drive his car off a cliff on his 17th birthday. So perhaps I should be grateful that he lived to see 25. I tried to be an example of goodness to him. I hope that my example was enough.

The power of the atonement of Christ is one that I don't understand. It is strong and has the ability to move mountains....and my mountain is the mountain of fear. I have lived the majority of my life afraid. Little by little, if I am to reach my potential that I know I have, I must remove that fear....and the only thing that has the strength to do that is the atonement of Christ. I have the power to do so much good in this world....but that debilitating fear has prevented me to do good before.

Here we go friends. If I must remember anything from Anthony's life, it's that you must not waste it. I knew him well....and I know that he had a good heart but wasn't quite sure where to use it. Now, before it's too late, he'll have the opportunity to progress to some sort of degree of glory better than his original state.

Life is not easy. Of this, I am sure. I am tired and annoyed with myself...haha. I am tired of being sad, and I am tired of being selfish. Life will continue to be hard, but "men are so that they might have joy". Enjoy the journey.

I have experienced loss in many ways. We all have to an extent. I have probably to more extent than most, but because of my loss, I am able to help others by giving them hope.

So let me focus on hope. Let me let go. So now I've learned, I've loved, and I'm letting go.

Family Reunion!!!!

Despite my melodramatic posts as of late, there has actually been a very exciting happening in my life recently. If you keep up with the blog, or know me at all, you know that my mom died 11 years ago. Not only that, but I lost all contact with her family (which is a HUGE family, might I add) at the same time. I have SEVEN cousins who are all the same age as me...just to give you an idea of how many of us there are. So a few months back my cousin Leighanne called me out of the blue (back story: I found an obituary for one of my mom's favorite cousins and sent a letter to the family). So Leighanne and I have been in contact for a few months now. I have gone to a few family things, but that's mainly with her immediate family. She has three brothers and a sister. A couple of weeks ago she sent me info on a family reunion on my Aunt Edie's farm. My Aunt Edie is my mom's aunt...but she is only a few years old than my mom so she was more like a sister. My grandparents (her sister and brother-in-law) raised her. As a child, I spent every Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and summers at her farm jumping from hay barrel to hay barrel, playing in the stacked toy room upstairs, eating INCREDIBLE homemade food, and breathing in the sweet, fresh farm air. My cousins are many but like I said, there are seven of us who are all 15 months apart...starting with Justin, then Leighanne, Matt, Bobbi Jean, Me, Sarah and Marc. We were all pretty close as wee-ones. Then with time, I didn't see them anymore. But they were pretty much all going to be in attendance at this reunion. Not to mention EVERYONE else....I had my second thoughts about making the journey.

But I went.

And it was unreal. My heart was pounding when we pulled into the driveway. The reunion took place at Dave and Amy's (Aunt Edie's son), whose house is on the same farm, just one driveway over. Just to give you an idea..I'll give you a short list of some cousins...

First the grown ups...Aunt Edie and Uncle Dave have three kids...Pam, Debbie, and Dave Jr. Pam has Sarah (my age), and Abby (and I think I'm forgetting someone...). Debbie has Matt, Marc, Elizabeth and Whitney. Dave has Brett, Ethan, Cody, and Eli. Then there's Aunt Charlie and Uncle Pete who have Jeff and Brian. Brian has no children to my knowledge but Jeff and Candy have Justin, Brandon, and Ashley. Uncle Brent and Aunt Vivian have Cliff, Penny, and Brandi. Penny has Rob and Lori. Cliff has Brent, Ryan, Leighanne, Amber, and Josh. Aunt Barb and Uncle Dale have Rick and Greg. Greg has one son (I don't know his name). Are you lost yet??? Yeah....that's just the start. These are only four of EIGHT siblings of my grandmother's.
Needless to say...I have a LOT of genealogy work to do in my life.

Everyone commented (of course) of how much I reminded them of my mom. I talked to a lot of the "grown ups" because that's who remember me the most. Unfortunately, since I didn't grow up with my cousins, I don't know them as well so we didn't really talk expect to throw jabs at one another during a rousing game of volleyball.

But it was so nice to have that void filled again. The farm was beautiful and it was a warm, sunny day. They live south of Martinsville on 60 acres of land. It was awkward for a while...but it was great. I can't wait to get to spend more time with my cousins...of course, several of them have facebook so we are linking up on there. Elizabeth and Ethan are seniors at Martinsville HS. Ethan plays football so I'm going to go watch his last game (although Elizabeth warned me that the team is terrible, yet reassured me that Ethan is really good). All of my cousins had their girlfriends and boyfriends there...it was too cute. My family is pretty tight-knit....so they have a lot of get togethers down there. It's bittersweet that I'm moving 1600 miles away soon. Just when I found my family, I'm leaving....

again, that's why there is facebook. :)

And blogging.

I wish I had some pictures of people for you...but it was kind of weird to re-meet someone after 11 years and say "HEY! Can I take your picture?" I'll make sure that I make up for that on Thanksgiving.

And so it goes.

Oh friends, how I am a foolish, foolish woman. I fell for him. I did. And it was a pretty hard SMACK on the concrete when I finally hit it. Now? I'm recovering. Lots of bandages have been needed, and I keep trying to take some of them off before they're healed. I lost my sense of practicality. Not to mention, amongst this fall, I would hit branches and would think, "maybe I should climb back up" but I didn't...I kept telling myself that someone was at the bottom who would catch me. Even when he said he wasn't going to catch me...I didn't listen.

Ah, silly me.

So with my bumps and bruises I'm going back up that tree. It hurts. I miss him. I miss all the dumb things he says and I enjoy repeating. But life goes on....

Billy Joel sings a great song. Okay, actually Billy Joel sings a LOT of great songs but one in particular...

"And so it goes"

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Music.....this is why I love music. There is a song for everything. And it's no secret that heart break is one of the strongest emotions out there. If not, there wouldn't be millions of songs about it. Love is the strongest emotion...and unrequited love can cause pain that seems unbearable.

I assure you though, that I will sing my song and get through it just fine. I've had my heart broken a few times. But I can never say I haven't loved deeply. I can never say I haven't tried. And guess what? I won't stop trying. I might try it DIFFERENTLY, but I won't give up. Love is the greatest of greats. That's why when we're in love, we feel like we can conquer anything. It's also why when we're broken hearted, we feel like nothing for a while. One thing I know, time heals all wounds. Not only time, but Christ. He heals us too. For this I am grateful.

Until next time, friends.

Lights will guide you Home.

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

-------------------------------------------------------------

This song. This song has every lyric to explain what I'm feeling today. I just pretend that Jesus is singing it to me. The "lights" is the light of Christ or the Gospel. Christ is the master teacher and the master healer. Maybe I've FINALLY learned the valuable lesson. I'm not saying that I can flip a switch and magically forget the last five months of my life, but when I feel like I'm down, I must look up. Faith. It's a noble concept. One that I'm implementing. I have never, not once, trusted the Lord to guide me to someone. I have always tried to control it and felt that I knew who was best for me. That doesn't seem to be working (clearly). So I'm going to let Him fix me. And in three months from now, I'll be driving to Idaho to experience life as I've never known it. I hope I'm ready.

I love music.

And the stir fry I made for dinner tonight.

There was a man named Michael Finnegan...begin again....

What a random, pointless, completely meaningless title. I would like to preface this entry by saying: 1) It is very late and I am very tired (although unable to sleep) and 2) I'm in "hurt" mode....which means I might not make sense. Read on and judge for yourself.

I have an awareness of myself that I think is something of a noteworthy detail. I didn't see it coming really.....I knew it was a possibility....but really, when it boiled down to it I thought, "nah...can't be me." Until....it was me.

I.
am.
emotional.


I know. I said it. I used to get so annoyed with girls who were emotional. Although, I am still not sure I know the exact definition of emotional. I know I cry. I know I can get very angry. I know my feelings can be hurt very easily. All in all, I want to be told how amazing I am all of the time. I want the world to revolve around me. Is that such a difficult thing? It did when I was a kid.....and then my mom died.....and it still kept revolving around me....until I moved out on my own. Then, nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. Bye Bye revolutions.

These last few months have been bittersweet. Bitter in the fact that I have found myself completely attached to le friend, who is not attached to me. And sweet because I was able to help le friend reach some big milestones and make some miraculous transformations. Essentially, I held him up when he couldn't do it for himself. Ironically enough, when I fall, I don't find people knocking down my door to carry my burdens. Instead I seem to have people who are selfish enough to ADD to them (okay, let me add that some of my comments will be very candid and more importantly NOT directed at the fabulous five in my life...you know who you are....and I would like to ask for your forgiveness as the end of this entry so that I can be frank without being offensive. I am a daughter of God, and I do not wish to offend).

Le friend is starting to date. It has been a rather difficult thing for me to witness.....especially because the person le friend is starting to date is someone that I had a great deal of respect for...until she lied to me. I would like to mention that this will now be the second time that a close friend has starting dating someone that they "didn't have feelings for" that I do/did have feelings for. The last time this happened....well let's just say that I went to their wedding reception two weeks ago. Should I be worried about this trend? I fear I should.

In addition to my passionate ways, I also analyze pretty much every detail of my life. I assure you friends, being passionate has it's advantages, but also has some pretty gi-normous drawbacks (and yes, I know gi-normous is not a real word and is misspelled I'm sure). When I actually find someone who loves me back, they will reap ALL of the benefits of my passionate side. I don't half way do a relationship...in any capacity...friend or more than a friend. I'm loyal. Through good and bad, I don't budge. If there's a problem, I won't walk away. And I've been told that I'm a great kisser (just thought I'd throw that in there for fun!!!).

But now I find myself up at ridiculous hours, unable to eat...and for what? Loss. Although it's not a complete loss, unless I want it to be, I am losing another best friend to a relationship. Only this one.............dag on it..........this one was a good one. He's not an a-hole.....although it would be easier if he was.

So perhaps a wall should now go up....for real this time. I started to build that wall when le friend walked into my life. And now le friend is walking with someone else....and my wall is shot to pieces and lays in a pile of rubble on the ground. He knocked it down piece by piece. I kept telling myself I needed to be more cautious, more reserved, LESS EMOTIONAL. But then, would that really be me? Nope.

I love deeply. I feel deeply. I think deeply. There's no shallow waters roaming around here.

So here's what I've learned....

1. God is #1. Always.
2. Work on faith. I have faith in the atonement, but the LIFE stuff I struggle with.
3. Never make someone a priority when they make you an option.
4. Sometimes patience simply teaches you how to be patient. It doesn't necessarily give you what you want at the end.

Yet I still find myself saying that it's not over yet.

Ugh. Help.