Learning....Loving....and Letting Go.

I'm not quite sure where to start my writings to you today. Unfortunately, I will start with sad news.

Backstory...Anthony was my first real boyfriend at the age of 13 and remained my boyfriend off and on until I was 15 or so. Then after high school, he popped back into my life and we even lived together for a few months (not in a relationship kind of way...but in a roommate kind of way). He drank a lot...and he smoked...and I didn't want to be around it. So we went our seperate ways. He always called me every couple of months and we would talk. He gave me crap about being mormon, but I think the reality behind it was because I wouldn't sleep with him. He called about a month ago...we talked for a bit.

He died on October 6, 2008 from what appears to be a drug overdose.

How well aware am I that people die. How grateful am I that when they pass through that veil, they have the truth revealed to them in full force. Anthony never wanted to live a long life. I remember when we were kids he would talk about how he was going to drive his car off a cliff on his 17th birthday. So perhaps I should be grateful that he lived to see 25. I tried to be an example of goodness to him. I hope that my example was enough.

The power of the atonement of Christ is one that I don't understand. It is strong and has the ability to move mountains....and my mountain is the mountain of fear. I have lived the majority of my life afraid. Little by little, if I am to reach my potential that I know I have, I must remove that fear....and the only thing that has the strength to do that is the atonement of Christ. I have the power to do so much good in this world....but that debilitating fear has prevented me to do good before.

Here we go friends. If I must remember anything from Anthony's life, it's that you must not waste it. I knew him well....and I know that he had a good heart but wasn't quite sure where to use it. Now, before it's too late, he'll have the opportunity to progress to some sort of degree of glory better than his original state.

Life is not easy. Of this, I am sure. I am tired and annoyed with myself...haha. I am tired of being sad, and I am tired of being selfish. Life will continue to be hard, but "men are so that they might have joy". Enjoy the journey.

I have experienced loss in many ways. We all have to an extent. I have probably to more extent than most, but because of my loss, I am able to help others by giving them hope.

So let me focus on hope. Let me let go. So now I've learned, I've loved, and I'm letting go.