What a random, pointless, completely meaningless title. I would like to preface this entry by saying: 1) It is very late and I am very tired (although unable to sleep) and 2) I'm in "hurt" mode....which means I might not make sense. Read on and judge for yourself.
I have an awareness of myself that I think is something of a noteworthy detail. I didn't see it coming really.....I knew it was a possibility....but really, when it boiled down to it I thought, "nah...can't be me." Until....it was me.
I.
am.
emotional.
I know. I said it. I used to get so annoyed with girls who were emotional. Although, I am still not sure I know the exact definition of emotional. I know I cry. I know I can get very angry. I know my feelings can be hurt very easily. All in all, I want to be told how amazing I am all of the time. I want the world to revolve around me. Is that such a difficult thing? It did when I was a kid.....and then my mom died.....and it still kept revolving around me....until I moved out on my own. Then, nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. Bye Bye revolutions.
These last few months have been bittersweet. Bitter in the fact that I have found myself completely attached to le friend, who is not attached to me. And sweet because I was able to help le friend reach some big milestones and make some miraculous transformations. Essentially, I held him up when he couldn't do it for himself. Ironically enough, when I fall, I don't find people knocking down my door to carry my burdens. Instead I seem to have people who are selfish enough to ADD to them (okay, let me add that some of my comments will be very candid and more importantly NOT directed at the fabulous five in my life...you know who you are....and I would like to ask for your forgiveness as the end of this entry so that I can be frank without being offensive. I am a daughter of God, and I do not wish to offend).
Le friend is starting to date. It has been a rather difficult thing for me to witness.....especially because the person le friend is starting to date is someone that I had a great deal of respect for...until she lied to me. I would like to mention that this will now be the second time that a close friend has starting dating someone that they "didn't have feelings for" that I do/did have feelings for. The last time this happened....well let's just say that I went to their wedding reception two weeks ago. Should I be worried about this trend? I fear I should.
In addition to my passionate ways, I also analyze pretty much every detail of my life. I assure you friends, being passionate has it's advantages, but also has some pretty gi-normous drawbacks (and yes, I know gi-normous is not a real word and is misspelled I'm sure). When I actually find someone who loves me back, they will reap ALL of the benefits of my passionate side. I don't half way do a relationship...in any capacity...friend or more than a friend. I'm loyal. Through good and bad, I don't budge. If there's a problem, I won't walk away. And I've been told that I'm a great kisser (just thought I'd throw that in there for fun!!!).
But now I find myself up at ridiculous hours, unable to eat...and for what? Loss. Although it's not a complete loss, unless I want it to be, I am losing another best friend to a relationship. Only this one.............dag on it..........this one was a good one. He's not an a-hole.....although it would be easier if he was.
So perhaps a wall should now go up....for real this time. I started to build that wall when le friend walked into my life. And now le friend is walking with someone else....and my wall is shot to pieces and lays in a pile of rubble on the ground. He knocked it down piece by piece. I kept telling myself I needed to be more cautious, more reserved, LESS EMOTIONAL. But then, would that really be me? Nope.
I love deeply. I feel deeply. I think deeply. There's no shallow waters roaming around here.
So here's what I've learned....
1. God is #1. Always.
2. Work on faith. I have faith in the atonement, but the LIFE stuff I struggle with.
3. Never make someone a priority when they make you an option.
4. Sometimes patience simply teaches you how to be patient. It doesn't necessarily give you what you want at the end.
Yet I still find myself saying that it's not over yet.
Ugh. Help.
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