Indiana. Our Indiana. Indiana, we're all for you.

Dear Indiana,

Where do I begin? You've been my home for 24 years. Almost 25....

From the little neighborhood,Farley, that I was born in and don't remember to the old house on Arlington. That was the first address I memorized. 2040 North Campbell Avenue. I've done a lot of moving in my time. Too much. But I've never left my hoosier home....until now.

It's new adventures to be had and new discoveries to discover. I'll miss you Indiana. I'll miss your windy beautiful country roads and your autumn bliss. I'll miss the hospitality you bring to all of your people. There is nothing like good ol' fashioned Hoosier hospitality.

I won't forget you okay. You are my roots.

I will be back. Promise.

Love,

Courtney

Five, four, three, two, one, HOLY SHENANIGANS.

I know, I know! It's been almost a FULL WEEK since I've posted. What's going on with me?? I've had a serious case of "I have so much to say I don't even know where to begin and I don't want to just ramble, I want it to make sense" that I haven't posted anything.

We all know what I'm going to be talking about.

The MOVE.

I move on Thursday. Not next Thursday, not in two Thursdays, not next month on Thursday. The day has come. This. Thursday.

What I have realized is that a lot of my friends have had to go through this experience of moving far away from their families (all of my present roommates included and many of my friends) so it's really not THAT big of a deal. But well, I just make a big deal out of it. Because to me it's a huge deal.

I keep trying to be nervous or scared, because I think that's how I'm supposed to feel I guess? But in all honestly, I'm not. I'm just ready. Ready to drive, ready to go, ready to live. Right now I've been kind of a homebody and the past few weeks -- dare I say even the past few months, I've been somewhat of a homebody. I have enjoyed it though. Spending time with myself and really thinking, reflecting and pondering have helped me prepare for this move in a big way I think.

I just know that my life is going to change. I just have that feeling in the pit of my stomach (and it's not indigestion) that my life is going to change in a HUGE HUGE way. Everything that I know now about my life, from what I do on a day to day basis to who I see is going to be different. I'll be living in a different time zone even. Weird. I guess for this deeply rooted Indiana girl it's just time to move on to bigger and better things. I love my Indiana. I'll never stop loving you, Indiana.

There's a great quote from Sweet Home Alabama: "You can roots and wings, Melanie." Well, I feel that applies to me also. I'll always have my roots, but I have my wings too :)

Five days. So much to look forward to. My class schedule is going to be a lot easier than originally anticipated. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO FIND A GOOD JOB!! I still have not found a job yet and that is my biggest worry. I know the Lord will take care of me though. I have always managed to come out of all of life's obstacles a better more equipped person..and most importantly, alive. This will be no different. For once in my life, as hard as I try, I'm just not worried about it. It feels so right. It's a good feeling.

How was your Christmas? Mine was lovely as usual. I got to see my family and that make me happy. I also got to talk to a friend a lot on Christmas that I had been wanting to talk to. So my day was all in all pretty peachy. All I got was money. And really, that's all I wanted this year.

You look back and realize that you made a lot of mistakes along the way, but somehow you still did it. I always make a lot of mistakes, but somehow I still manage to get the job done. I look at life like that anyways....I might not do it perfectly, but eventually I do it.

So now that I'm ready to roll I need to get back into my routine and remember what's important. God, family, school, health, social life. In that order for the most part -- the middle ones all kind of blend together since my family will be so far away and I need to take care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually.

Happy Saturday. Carry on with your lives now.

Deiz Dias.

So. It's all starting to hit me. I'm moving in 10 days.

10.

Days.

Not months, not weeks, not years. DAYS, people.

I spent all weekend with my family at my sister's house in Ohio. It was hilarious, as always. The man who becomes a part of my family as my husband better have thick skin though...that's all I'm sayin'.

Oh, and three hour naps....sounds great?? Um, not cool.

My eyes burn from sleeping so much. Is that possible?

Did you know??

Interesting stuff.....I'm fascinated.

Something in my body hates me right now. Seriously people. What is going on!? First of all, let's give you a brief backstory of the fact that I've lost 50 lbs over the course of this year. I still have more to go -- but I've done really well on changing my eating habits and learning all I can about health and nutrition. It's an ongoing quest for knowledge, but it has had it's rewards (such as fitting into clothes that I actually LIKE again).

But lately, and I blame holidays and a very un-rigid schedule, I have been eating poorly and my body hates me for it.

My hair, dull. My skin, don't get me started.

I'm not just going to complain about it, I'm going to jump back on the bangwagon. I just wanted to complain about it for a few minutes.

I found out a Dunkin Donuts was about 5 minutes from our house. This was bad for me. I haven't eaten doughnuts in a LOOOONNNNGGG time. As in several months. But in the past month, ohhhhhh I've eaten a couple of them at least once a week. STOP IT.

What am I doing?!

They say stress can be a trigger for this nonsense. But who's stressed?? Me?? Nooooo. What do I have to be stressed about? (I mean, in two weeks I will be moving out of Indiana for the first time in my life, leaving my family and friends and everything familiar to me to go to IDAHO and start school after a five year hiatus. But why would I be stressed about that?)

Ugh. I need a tan and a good workout.

The weather outside if frightful.

Sometimes it rains, sometimes it snows. Sometimes ice falls from the sky.

Yesterday, all day, ice ice baby. I had to scrape a layer of it off my car every time I got in and out -- which was about every 2 hours or so yesterday.

I turn into my neighborhood, stop at the stop sign....and keep going....and going...and going....through the intersection, and I finally managed to stop about two houses down PAST the stop sign. Luckily no one else was on the road. They don't exactly have a "I'm trying to stop but I can't so get the heck outta my way" signal on our car to notify other drivers to watch out.

The pavement is a SOLID SHEET OF ICE. No. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating this. I could barely walk on our driveway because of the ice. I, instead, skated to the front door. I attempted a double axle on my way in...no such luck. (Okay, that part is an exaggeration. It was only a single axle.)

This morning, still, ice. Everywhere. I went outside to move my car. I'm casual skating along...and I notice our mailbox. Um. Yeah. It's flat on the ground.

That's okay. It looks better like that way anyways. I mean, who wants a mailbox that is upright and looks like everyone else's? So thanks, mailbox demolisher.


I just keep saying to myself, "Embrace the cold. Love the cold. Be okay with the cold."


Or...... "F" the cold.


Either way.

A follow up with Sleep.

Dear Sleep,

Hello. It's me again.

Thank you for listening. I had a great time last night.

Love,

Courtney

Late night blogging take two.

Dear Sleep,

You used to come to me like a thief in the night. Around 10:30 or 11:00 every evening I could count on you to take me up and whisk me away to somewhere beautiful. Where have you gone? Perhaps I have spent too much time with you during the day? Perhaps you are upset with me? Whatever I did to offend you, I would hope that you could have mercy on me so we can be better acquainted once again.

I miss you.

A lot.

You see, since you've been gone I've been feeling, well, tired. And sometimes grumpy. And prone to headaches. It's rather bothersome and I would just prefer if we could find a way to talk this out, you and me.

I have however become better friends with the kitchen since you've been coming around less often. Don't tell the kitchen I told you this, but I like you a lot more than I like her. I feel better when I spend more appropriate time with you and less inappropriate time with the kitchen.

So, if you can find it in your heart to return to me. I promise to make you a more meaningful part of my life. I appreciate you. Don't you know that?? I can't live without you. Really. I can't. If you completely went away then I would start hallucinating. It just wouldn't be good for anyone involved.

Oh and I don't mean to complain even more but when do you come around, it seems that you keep taking me to places that are kind of scary and upsetting. Is there a reason for this? I miss going to cool places and kissing boys that only you can help me get for some reason.

I think I hear a knock at the door..I'm hoping it's you and not just some random eye rester guy. The eye rester guy just annoys me now. He's a big tease. He looks so much like you that sometimes I think it's you...and then nope. The eye rester guy packs up and you're still no where to be found.

::Sigh::

Okay, I'm crawling into bed with hopes that you'll come hang out, okay?

Love,


Courtney

Late Night Blogging Madness

Thank you, Natalie, for your advice to blog when I can't sleep.

Although I'll warn you that late night blogging can lead to a few things:

1. Insomnia. Wait. Too late.
2. Rambling. Oh wait. Too late for that also.
3. Lots of blog posts about meaningless things. (Do I dare say it??)

So apparently there isn't anything different about late night blogging than my normal blogging.


Therefore, I continue.


I don't like to preach. I don't like to force someone to do something. I do like to say what I think and I do like to give advice. Tonight, I want you to know what I know. I want you to share with you my knowledge of one of the most precious gifts I could possibly ever give you.

Ahem. And so it begins....

I just want you all to know that God is real. Not only is He real, He loves you more than you can even wrap your little tiny brain around. I also know that he has a son, Jesus Christ, sent here to die so that we may have eternal life. He suffered every pain and heartache that we will ever suffer. I know it's something that we couldn't begin to imagine -- but sometimes we don't have to understand every single aspect of it to know it's true. Christ came to this earth, established his church and called apostles to teach others his everlasting Gospel. After the apostles were killed, that direct line of authority and communication was lost for a long time -- through the dark ages, etc. Many religions and creeds were formed based on the opinions of man and the interpretations thereof. These churches, although aiming in the right direction, were not being led by God or Christ. I know that a boy, young and curious, inquired of the scriptures and then of God himself as to what church holds the true and everlasting Gospel of Christ. Through this question, this boy received a vision from God the Father and Jesus Christ. They explained to him that none of these churches were complete -- that all had lost plain and precious truths of the gospel that Christ himself taught. They called him to restore the Gospel to it's fullness, and to open the dispensation of the Latter Days in order to prepare for the second coming of Christ. I know that this boy, named Joseph Smith, was called to be a prophet of God. He did, in fact, restore the Church and also was led by God to translate a set of gold plates in which he was directed to by an angel which are now known as the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ. This book, along with the Bible, contain holy scripture from ancient prophets and apostles in their respective nations. The Bible, Jerusalem, the Book of Mormon, the Americas. It is a history of the people and also of the powerful witness of Christ. They, each in their separate entity but one in their purpose (just as God and Jesus Christ) give us the fullness of Christ's everlasting Gospel. They bring us all what we must know to receive eternal joy and happiness and most importantly to be with God again. I know that families are eternal. I know the God still reveals things to his children and will continue to do so until the second coming of Christ. I know that we can know the truth of ALL things by the power of the Holy Ghost. I know these things to be true because I have studied, and most importantly prayed about them for myself. I have received a powerful witness from the Holy Ghost time and time again of the truthfulness of the things I have just shared with you.

The knowledge that I have of this, and other things, brings me more peace and happiness than I could ever explain to you. And I wanted to testify of these things to anyone who is reading my little blog. Most of you that read my blog are those who are already members of the church. But maybe there is someone here that isn't....so to you, I invite you to know for yourself and to always seek truth. I testify that the Book of Mormon is true. That that Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is Christ's only true and living church on this earth. There is one Church, one faith and one baptism. I invite us all to expound upon what we know and increase in our knowledge and faith.

Merry Christmas.

I needed the extra blessings tonight.

(for anyone who is wondering what the heck I'm talking about -- please visit www.mormon.org for more information)

My Christmas Wish List.

Tis the season to be jolly. Oh, and you're welcome for making Mariah Carey the song you hear EVERY time you look at my blog. Since it's a seasonal favorite, I wear it out. Just turn up the volume, sing to some random object that you pretend is your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush/spouse/or something else??? (I'm kind of wondering what something else could be...but I don't want to leave anything out.) I think you'll thank me later.

So...Christmas is about much more than presents. It's actually about Jesus. And all the warm fuzzies that having Jesus in your life brings. But, for this post, I'm focusing on the presents. Why? Because this year I'm pretty sure I'm not getting boat loads of things for Christmas. My family did a "secret" drawing to do as a gift exchange -- so we're only buying for one person and then the kids. Here's what my family failed to think about when doing this.

1. They all have spouses and children. I DON'T. Therefore, they will get more than just the one gift from the family gift exchange. (and they have someone to open presents up with other than just the family on Christmas morning -- which since we are doing our gift exchange a week before Christmas, I will not. Depressing? A little.)

2. They all have kids who will still get lots of presents. I DON'T. And any parent knows that when someone buys something for your kids, it's like an indirect gift for you because it's one less thing you have buy for them.

3. Did I mention I don't have a spouse, or children???

4. I'm not bitter about that though.

Our "secret" exchange didn't stay secret for very long though. Especially because my sister Jaime wanted to draw me because she already knew what she was going to get me for Christmas -- so she switched until she found me. AND my gift was something that had to be picked out...so I know that I'm getting e.l.f. makeup. I'm excited about it for sure. And my g-ma...I do love my g-ma...gave me a little extra loot this year to buy new tires for my car. That was a serious mega help in the trip out to Idaho frenzy.

I can't complain really, and I definitely know I shouldn't complain. So let's not think of this as a complaint -- let's think of this as being mildly greedy. I will repent of it later. For now -- it's on with the list!


So.......here is the coveted list. (Then the voice in my head says: "Thou shall not covet." Ugh. I hate my conscience sometimes. It always telling me to do the right thing.)

Okay -- so let's not call it coveting. I don't know what else to call it, but let's not call it that. :)

The if-someone-else-doesn't-buy-it-i'll-probably-buy-it-for-myself-so-please-buy-it-for-me list.


1. North Face Fleece Jacket -- I have always wanted one of these. They are so comfortable and warm and...welllllll...expensive. But I'm moving to IDAHO people. It's COLD COLD COLD there. I feel it would be well worth the your investment.


2. Ugg Boots -- Okay, so you're seeing a winter weather fashion theme already aren't you??? I just want a pair of warm fuzzy boot to keep me warm whilst I walk to class. They don't even have to be REAL Uggs. I'll admit, I thought these boots were RIDIC when they first came out... but now, they have grown on me immensely. For the record, I wear a 7.5 :) ORRRR If you find youth ones, I wear a 6 in youth sizes. (I drive a hard bargain being addicted to shoes and all -- so if you can find 'em in the kid's department, I will gladly pay $30-$40 less.)

3. Dolce and Gabbana Sunglasses. I saw these beauties at the Sunglass Hut a while back and I felllll iiiinnnnn loooooovvvveeee. I love sunglasses. Especially the ones that cover half of your face (don't ask why, okay? I just do!). Target has a lovely selection, but the Sunglass Hut kind of made me go crazy. I likey these a LOT. P-p-p-pa-lllleeeeaasse?

That's really it.

Oh, and some new PUMAS.






Yes, I want all of them. Any of them. But mostly, ALL of them. :)


I could go on. But I won't. I don't want to be more than mildly greedy.


On the other hand, you could just give me cash too. I'll always GLADLY except cash gifts.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Confessions of an internet junkie.

I think it's safe to say -- I'm an internet junkie. I rely on it for everything -- keeping up on my "friends" every footstep via Facebook, checking my email incessantly in case someone has sent me an emergency email (in that case, I'm sure I'd get a phone call but for some reason I still feel the need to check my email 84.2563 times a day, checking my blog almost as many times as I check my email, and various other websites such as my school email and such. Then we can't forget google calendar, where I track my every last move, and google maps that tells me how to get where ever I need to go (It's been oh-so-handy to map out my trip to Idaho). Not to mention if I need to find the location of anything or a phone number...is there really any other way to do these things?? (Other than a phone book..but who has one of those anymore?!)

My laptop is right next to my bed on my nightstand so I literally can roll over and still be IN bed and check whatever I need to. It is a tad ridiculous. But only a tad. Our internet has been down for three days now at home (but there is this random unsecured signal I can get on to throughout the day -- thank goodness -- or I could have serious withdraw). This random signal is a lot slower and pretty shoddy when it comes to reliability so I relish in delight when I can actually get on (times such as now YAY!).

I know I'm not the only one out there who is attached to their internet. We have wireless internet pretty much everywhere you can go these days. You can find out pretty much ANYTHING you need to know online. It is the ultimate resource. I mean, the Tribune just files chapter 11 bankruptcy as one of the first companies to do so after the internet has become the main source for media outlets. What's next? You can watch TV, movies, YouTube, the newspaper, etc. online. Not to mention downloading music and movies online as well. It's where we literally have the world at our fingertips. Yet, ironically enough, I still only manage to have about 3 websites that I check all the time. Hm. Interesting. And it goes without saying that the internet is the grandest form of communication. Seriously, you just update your status and voila -- the world knows what you're up to. No need for small talk conversations anymore. I suck at those anyways. They're always the same....

Random friend you haven't seen in a while: "Hey!"
Me: "Oh HI! (pretending to be excited to see them...)
Friend: How have you been?
Me: Good! Great! You?
Friend: Same. Just great.
Me: Oh, that's great.
Friend: (doing that agreeable word sigh...you know it,you know it well) Yeahhhh...great. (awkward pause) So, um, where are you working?
Me: Oh well right now...blah blah blah.
Friend: Oh that sounds great.
Me: Yeah, it's great.
Friend: Yeah. (another long pause) Are you dating anyone?
Me: No, not right now.
Friend: Oh well that's okay.
Me: Yeah, I know. (by now it's clearly obvious how much I HATE small talk to the friend)
Friend: Well it was good seeing you!
Me: Yeah! You too! (getting excited at the thought that I don't have to find more meaningless things to talk about)
Friend: We should get together and do lunch or something sometime.
Me: Sure! Just let me know (leaving the ball in their court of course)
Friend: Okay, for sure.


Okay so other than the fact I just made myself seem totally heartless and uncaring about others, I was actually trying to bring it home that I, indeed, suck at small talk. In turn, it actually DOES make me seem like I'm heartless and uncaring (which I don't THINK is the case). So for anyone out there that has been a victim of my small talk behaviors, I ask for your forgiveness. :) I promise I care.

So.....here I am, wasting more time on the the world wide web.

And well, it's delightful.

Hello. My name is Courtney. I'm an internet junkie. (Hellooooo, Courtney)

Utah boys.

Okay. Before I start this post I need to say that I am going to be making a HUGE stereotype and a HUGE assumption. I am aware of this -- just saying.

I have one fear (okay fear might not be the best word to describe it but it's the best I have right now) about moving out west. Utah boys. I've met my fair share. The boys who grew up in Utah and are members of the Church but are really attractive -- mostly blonde I've found -- and they work out all the time and are really into their looks and have this ideal of marrying a petite blonde girl who knows how to back comb her hair perfectly. It also seems that they are a little more laid back about their church attendance and you know the whole "keeping the commandments with exactness" bit. I must say that the whole idea of this combo makes me a little ill (or it could be the taco bell that i had a little bit ago and then read the nutrition content AFTER I ate it -- seriously -- how do calories accumulate so quickly?!) So yes, I'm totally stereotyping.

So I've encountered one of these boys recently and I'm a little surprised about it. I've started to realize it more and more that he's one of "them" and wasn't quite sure how I felt about it. He's very good looking but almost annoyingly good looking. I really don't like blonde men. I'm not sure why -- but I have a complex with them. I think they are good looking but I just don't ever picture myself being with or dating a blonde. Come to think of it, I have NEVER dated a blonde. Ever. And a majority of the men I'm really attracted to are not dark haired. Isn't it strange what we are and aren't attracted to? I often wonder where our attractions are learned. I watched a documentary one time about physical attraction (yes, I occasionally watch a documentary -- although by occasionally I mean probably twice in my life). It stated that most of us are subconsciously attracted to someone who we think will be a healthy mate -- meaning that we are attracted to someone that we think will bear children well and be healthy. That is why being thin is so attractive to our psyches.
It's all very interesting to me. I also sometimes wonder if men are attracted to women who resemble either themselves or their families in someway. Or if women attracted to men who resemble themselves or their fathers. Something to continue to ponder I guess.

I tend to be attracted to men who have similar features to myself. Dark hair, full lips, pretty smiles, big eyes...those are features that I notice on a man. Is that weird? ....hm....I don't know. Anyone who has known me for a while knows that I enjoy men who are a little shaken but not stirred (aka mixed breeds). I tend to enjoy half black/half white and half latino/half white breeds the most. I'm not purposely describing them in a way that makes them sound like a pack of dogs. If the shoe fits......

So anyways, back to Utah boys. I just don't know what it is about them that almost annoys me. Idaho boys, however, I seem to enjoy. I think almost every boy from out west that I've found myself pining over has been from Idaho. My favorite boy of all time is from there! (You know who you are. Or at least you better! Don't worry Lexi, he's all yours!) So I am happy that I'll be in Idaho vs. Utah. Because I think, well I hope, I'll fit in a little bit better there. It's ironic that I'm a little worried about fitting in. I've never not fit in anywhere I've ever gone -- but then again I haven't gone very far from home. Sometimes I second guess myself. I guess I'm having one of those insecure moments where I wonder if I'll be okay out there.

25 more days............

Frrrrriiiidddaayyyy.

Yes, I am completely unoriginal -- a drawn out "Friday" was all I could think of for the title of this post.

But seriously, don't we all love Fridays?

Anyways --

So I, um, quit my job at the Spaghetti Factory. I know what you're thinking...so get off my back already. Seriously though, the hours were totally not worth the money -- especially if I just pick up a few hours at my day job and it would equal out. Yeah, much smarter plan. (And alas, why didn't I just think of this plan to start with? Meh. I do dumb things sometimes.)

The weather is getting colder and colder and I am convincing myself that I love it! (I have to love it -- if not, then I'm going to be royally sca-rood when I go to Idaho in January -- can we say freeze out!?) But seriously, I think I do love the cold. Or maybe I just love things that are associated with cold weather. I love sweaters and sweatshirts for sure. I love tall sassy boots to wear to church. I love tights. Oh and I'm obsessed with scarves. I seriously went from owning, oh, like one scarf to now having an assorted collection (that will continue to grow I promise you) of about 6 or so. Walmart has a pretty sweet collection for very affordable prices. This makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Okay so obviously cold weather fashion is near and dear to my heart. There are other things too...such as hot chocolate and hot herbal tea. YUM. And comfort food is always a bit more satisfying when it's cold out side. Football is on when it's cold. I like football. :) And I really love scraping off my car in the mornings.

Wait.

Did I just say that I love scraping off my car?

What I meant to say is I HATE scraping off my car.

Nothing annoys me more than walking outside to a bright sunny crispy cold day and looking at my windshield covered in ice. I need a remote starter for my car.

But I do love my heated seats :) Toasty buns, anyone???

I also looooovvvveeee (so sue me) Christmas music...which granted, Christmas music season is only for a couple of months total but it's a richly decorated season that stays with you even after it's over (if it's done right). And some Christmas songs can be applied to conditions even after the season has finished ("Let It Snow" anyone??)

However, there is one thing about Christmas that again, annoys me. Colored lights. One color in particular makes me want to knock on the homeowner's door and punch them in the face. (Okay, so maybe not actually punch them...but still...maybe shake them for being so tasteless and tacky.)

Alas -- BLUE christmas lights.



Who thought of this? I mean, did someone say, "Ya know, I think colored lights aren't tacky enough. Let's just make them all blue. Blue says Christmas to me." Especially on a Christmas tree. Why on earth would someone do this?! I don't even have a good word to describe my emotions when I see such a thing. I can deal with (very poorly but I do deal with them) colored lights on your house. It can be tastefully done. BUT....BLUE lights should be completely obliterated from stores. ::Sigh:: I promise I'm not this angry about it -- we'll just say I'm passionate about my convictions.

I hope you are all having a holly jolly Friday. Maybe take an opportunity today to say Frrriiidddaayyyy just once so I feel a little bit better about using it as a lame title to my post. Oh, and three cheers for winter accessories! Hip, Hip, Hooray!

A wise spaghetti christmas journey.

There are days where I know what I'm going to write about and other days where I have no clue. Today is the day of the latter.

I have a few things on my mind as I sit here in my sweats and army t-shirt (although admittedly mad at the army for deploying my best friend's husband right before Christmas...and the the birth of his firstborn...stupid army).

One -- My wisdom......tooth. A few weeks ago I felt some tenderness in my gums right behind my right back moller but didn't think too much of it. Maybe I brushed too hard that day? Meh. Life goes on. Until a week ago. I bit down on a piece of hot box pepperoni pizza and OW. It hurt. It is inflamed and it hurts. Like bad. I took advil yesterday which helped, but this couldn't have come at a worse time. I don't have time to have someone yanking out a tooth -- let alone the fact I am uninsured at the moment and have no money for such an activity as well. So until I figure it out, Advil is my new best friend. Boo.


Two -- In one month from now I will starting the journey west. I have so much on my mind about it. But mainly I just want to make sure that I have enough money to get out there. I'm sure I will but things have been tight tight tight (at my own fault, I assure you so I really can't and shouldn't complain). Yesterday was my last fast and testimony meeting at the Indy Singles Branch. I'll be having a lot of "lasts" this month. I'm sad to leave all that I know behind.......and excited all at the same time. I'm excited AND scared. I use that phrase often in my daily ramblings and it comes from my favorite musical "Into the Woods" (see previous entry for my youtube-a-thon). So in homage to this phrase, since it is my theme for my adventure to Rexburg, I will share with you the video of this song from the musical. It is sung my little red riding hood. (The beginning it her being eaten by the wolf so you're welcome to skip the first minute or so to cut to the chase...)




Last but not least -- Let me tell you how ridiculous people are at the Spaghetti Factory on the weekends. I mean, seriously people. If you're that hungry and you don't want to wait, then go somewhere else. Don't stand and complain about having to wait because no matter where you go or what you do you're going to have to wait. Friday and Saturday did nothing short of kicking my trash. It's a cardio workout for sure (the main upside to my job). I actually enjoy it for the most part, but seriously, that place is a crazy ridiculous crazytown on the weekend. The lobby is FULL, literally, FULL of people for three to four hours. Don't even get me started on having to check the restrooms. The mens restroom is always a nightmare. Why are boys so gross?! There is a never ending stream of men coming in and out...so I do my best to duck in and change the toilet paper and trash and clean up when I think the coast is clear. It's great to see the look on a man's face when he walks in, nonchalantly, to what he thinks is the men's restroom, only to stare a women in the face right before he unzips.....it's like a deer in headlights. Then, I smile, explain I'm tidying up and I'll be just a minute if he doesn't mind waiting. But I assure you that I do NOT enjoy it -- especially walking in right after someone's meal has disagreed with their endocrine system. Not. Pleasant. At. All. (Okay, enough of THAT)

So the marathon begins. Thanksgiving is over and I'm moving full steam ahead. I have Saturday mornings, Sunday evenings, and Monday mornings to recover from my jobs and hopefully I'll have enough money at the end of it all to make it out to Idaho, get started on my education, and LOVE LIFE. Although, I love life now....what is there not to love?!

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday weekend. Tis the season!

Allow me to share with you one of my FAVORITE christmas songs!!! The video is lame but sonybmg has the rights to the original video so I can't post it on here. Mariah has lost a lot of favor in my eyes, but I will forever love her for this Christmas musical treat.



AHH!!! YAY FOR CHRISTMAS!

Giving thanks.

Don't you just LOVE thanksgiving? I mean, I really do love it. It has to be my favorite holiday of the year, I think. There's no gifts involved...just family, good food, and maybe some football action. It normally isn't snowy yet. The weather is cold enough where you can wear a scarf but not a coat. It's just dog-on nice.

Yesterday was a crazy, jam-packed day for me. I had not one, not two, but THREE Thanksgivings to attend. In addition to the branch's annual turkey bowl game in the morning. Gotta love gettin all down and dirty with your friends in a rousing game of flag football.

All three thanksgivings were a blast. I always love seeing my sisters, parents, nieces and nephew. It's never a dull moment when we're all together. I think my favorite part was Jaime, Jennifer, Chris and Trae openly discussing how important "test driving" the car before you take it home (aka having sex before you get married) is. Followed by my brother-in-law Trae cracking on my sister Jaime about trading up or trading in his car. My sister, of course, lashing back on how she's the best car around and my other brother-in-law Chris asking her how many times she had been driven before? Trae proceeded to add my personal favorite crack of the day -- "Well that would explain why she's so worn out". I LOVED IT! Trae is normally a pretty quiet guy. And Jaime, well, she and I are a lot alike....meaning that we are normally the ones heard and not seen. Seriously, don't you just feel the love!? My sisters and I are good at one thing at family events-- making sarcastic comments about one another. And then seeing my nieces, Allyson and Charleigh, and my nephew, Hunter is always so much fun. They are the cutest kids ever (I'm not biased in any way...). Allyson loves seeing me. She always comes and sits on my lap, plays with (and in turn messes up) my hair. I love them so much. I can't wait to see them grow up. I'll be especially interested to see what kind of girl Charleigh turns out to be -- just knowing the dynamic woman my sister is -- Charleigh will probably be a pretty smart cookie. And Ally and Hunter will, of course, be athletic. Chris wouldn't have it any other way.


Here's a picture of Charleigh.




And then it was off to my Aunt Edith's. This was my first Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family for 12 years. I drove there by myself (for those who know me know that's a pretty big deal...it is over an hour away). I wasn't nervous at all. It was actually weird how not nervous I was. I had already been to the reunion so it wasn't that bad. It was great to see everyone. Aunt Edith's house looked exactly as I remembered it. After a long winding, but incredibly beautiful drive in the countryside of southern Indiana, you end up at the top of the hill at her driveway. I immediately smelled the cool country air with a warm hint of a fireplace burning as I got out of my car. I could smell that smell all day. There is always a GIANT spread of homemade goodness on the huge dining room table and a whole table dedicated to desserts. We went on a walk down to the farm, where I proceeded to see how close I could get to a straggling goat...he didn't like me very much. Then we walked out past the pastures to meet up with the boys who were playing with their guns. I took a few shots myself. I don't know how I feel about having that much power in my hands. :)
I liked it...and it kind of gave me a weird feeling that I liked it so much. Then we made the trek back...and Leighanne didn't want to walk in all the mud again, so we went around the woods, over a fence, and through the pasture back to the house. I love the country -- that is now a fact. It's so peaceful and beautiful.
So back at the house I found myself the only one there who didn't have a parent, brother or sister somewhere around to talk to...so I spent a few quiet moments looking around at my family that I had missed for so long. And I just felt at peace. I felt completely quiet inside. I caught my Aunt Edith (she is my grandmother's sister -- but was very close in age to my mother, so she was raised by my grandmother therefore being more like a sister to my mom) looking at me a time or two. I wondered what she was thinking. Maybe she was just thinking about how much I looked like my mom. I guess I might never know. I got beat miserably in a game of Euchere. And caught up with Sarah, my cousin, and it was so nice. I didn't want to leave.

But I had to because I still had one more place to go. So I journeyed back to Indy and went over to my last stop. My mom's best friend's house. Lana has been more of a second mom to me throughout my life. She held me when I was born before my own father. She bought my first pair of designer jeans when I was a baby and she's always been there. She is the closest thing I have to my mom. She's a lot like her. She was the one person who always stuck by my mom's side through thick and thin. I will be eternally grateful to her for being there for my mom and I. She is a fantastic cook (again, just like my mom) and she always makes two things I can count on that I don't get anywhere else -- homemade noodles and broccoli and cheese casserole. OMG. SO GOOD. So I ate my fill, watched a few hands of poker, rocked out on guitar hero and visited for a while. I don't know if they are quite as excited as I am about my venture out west for school...but I hope they warm up to the idea someday.

I have so much to be grateful for. I finally retired to my home at a little after midnight. Now I get to go seat all the hungry people downtown who want Spaghetti before the tree lighting or amidst their black friday shopping spree.

It's officially CHRISTMAS SEASON!!! WOOT!

Ah yes. That's it right there. That's the spot.

Okay, get your dirty mind out of the gutter.

We all know how much I love men. One could say I'm a bit, um, boy crazy?! Yes. It's true. One day I'll find someone to settle down with...in the meantime, let's have FUN!

BUT that's not my point.

My point is the fact that I have spent the last oh, I don't know, four HOURS watching YouTube (don't judge me....). First, I found "Into the Woods", the ENTIRE thing, on YouTube -- so naturally, since I was in this musical in high school and am in love with it and YouTube doesn't require me to get up, or to pay to watch it -- I watched the entire thing. Yeah.....that took up the first three hours of my YouTube-a-thon.

Then I proceeded to watch some clips from the Tony Awards. Then, Patti LuPone (INCREDIBLE singer). And then....this guy who is the funniest commentator of musical theatre ever. I'm obsessed. He's hilarious. One, because he's gayer than my super fabulous Indiana University friends. Two, because he knows his stuff. Three, because he just IS.

I've been in a really good mood for the past few days. I speculate a few reasons. One, I've been praying and keeping my Spirit on the straight and narrow. Two, I've been jamming out, finding every possible minute to blast my music and dance around my house. That's really about it honestly. God and music make me happier than a little girl on her 5th birthday with a Hannah Montana doll. (or in my case it was Barbie -- what ever happened to Barbie? Is she still around? Is she still ridiculously ill proportioned?)


I've included a clip of this fabulous commentator for all to view. HA-LAR-IOUS.




Okay....back to YouTube.

Save the date.

Come one, come all. 36 days and counting.....




My going away party will be on New Year's Eve at the LDS Church at the corner of White River Parkway and West Washington Street...

I'll be leaving the following day for Idaho.

Craziness, folks. Sheer craziness.

You only have 25 words.

Today has been a great day. The last week has been a great week. Why? No reason in particular. Just cause.

Thomas S. Monson, Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gave a talk at our last General Conference entitled "Finding Joy in the Journey". For me, I was going through a rather frustrating time and needed this talk. I needed this encouragement. I needed this prophetic counsel.

He told the following story:

"In the 1960s, during the Vietnam War, Church member Jay Hess, an airman, was shot down over North Vietnam. For two years his family had no idea whether he was dead or alive. His captors in Hanoi eventually allowed him to write home but limited his message to less than 25 words. What would you and I say to our families if we were in the same situation—not having seen them for over two years and not knowing if we would ever see them again? Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Brother Hess wrote—and I quote: “These things are important: temple marriage, mission, college. Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”'

In our Relief Society lesson today we were asked to do something similar. So I pose this question...I'm taking a slightly different spin on it.

If you were given 25 words to leave for all to see as to what's the most important advice you could give, what would it say?

I pondered this today during the Sacrament. For some reason, mine came very easily.

I'm normally a woman of many words -- but for today -- here is my twenty five.


If you don't get anything else out of anything I ever say...

Pray. Study scriptures. Follow Christ. Marry your best friend. Love. Journal. Breathe. Take pictures. Eat healthy. Be clean. Be Humble. Know that you are loved.

(I'm sure they might change as I grow older or wiser)

Ponder it out and write it down. :)

♥ MWAH ♥

Fun with Pictures!!!

So I found this website that I think I could be in love with...Picnik.com

You can do cool things to your pictures!! As you can see my picture to the right >>>>

A leaf on the ground shaped like a heart. ♥



This one is a bit risque but I think it's hot :)




Lar-bear and Me.



Me and Vic. This was what I thought of when we took this picture.




Gerber Daisies!



Oh...and I have a new crush. I can't help it. I'm addicted to men. I guess we can't question my sexuality, huh? He has the perfect mouth. And gorgeous teeth. Dark hair and eyes (of course...lest we expect anything less from me). He's quiet, and intriguing and he makes me smile. And he laughs at my jokes. I'll leave it at that.

MC Hammer said it best.

Okay, okay, so turkey lurkey is an acquired taste, I see. You'll love it someday, I promise.

I've been fighting a dag-um cold for a week and half now and I really miss sounding like a normal human being. I constantly sniff, and then cough, and then sniff more. Not to mention, it affects my singing and THAT is uber annoying.

Yesterday was a rather remarkable day. Church wasn't different or extraordinary -- but I came to an important realization the other day -- and it has made all the difference. Pray. Every day. At LEAST in the morning and at night...if not more. God has given us ALL of this, and he has told us to "pray always". So why can't I take a few minutes of my morning and evening and talk to my all-knowing, magnificent God?! I mean, I have the smartest man in the UNIVERSE at my disposal, so why not chat it up? I don't know what it is about prayer that can make it so hard sometimes, but really, it's such an incredible gift. Probably the greatest gift next to the atoning sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ.

I have been stressed about my finances a LOT lately. This is somewhat normal for me, but with the big move coming up, it's not just about paying the bills, it's about being able to GET to Idaho (luckily gas prices have gone down substantially in the past month, but who's to say they won't go back up!). So yesterday, I took the opportunity to fast. I'll be honest, I was fasting that money would fall into my lap somehow. That wasn't the exact verbiage I used in my prayers, but nonetheless, that the was jist of it. Money didn't fall in my lap -- it was put in my hand by my one of my favorite women in the world (she told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that she gave it to me, because if I did, she would deny it...so for her sake, she will remain anonymous as my guardian angel). I didn't tell her that I had been fasting. And never have I fasted in such a way that yielded such immediate results. One thing I know is that Heavenly Father DOES bless us and give us what we need. It's been tight, really really tight, but I have managed to get by. And now I have three jobs to pull from...which will help even more.

So that's that. I have learned that one of the key elements in fasting and prayer is humility. We must not get greedy in our prayers and in our fasting. We must be humble always, understanding that we are already blessed immensely.

Also, I wanted to give a shout out to my latino friends. I was able to attend the Spanish Branch yesterday, as well as participate in the re-dedication of the Mexico City Temple last night. It was Spanish overload. I. LOVED. IT. I will be fluent in Spanish someday. It's on the life list of things to do, along with learning how to ride a horse, have an organic vegetable garden, and sleep on the beach.

Moral of the story -- there are a LOT of times in our lives that we could say "Ugh, life is LAME". But nope. We can't. We shouldn't. We are so blessed. I might not have money burning a whole in my pocket, but I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a God that will take care of me.

Yep. It's true.

Thanksgivingmas

So the holiday season is finally upon us....I think??

It doesn't feel very festive yet, but then again I haven't been gallivanting around town to notice. The zoo has up their Christmas lights (as do my next door neighbors -- seriously people), downtown Indy is laden with lights as well. So maybe it finally HAS come upon us.

This year is the first year that I haven't participated in a choir of some sorts. I was the reigning director of my church choir until I was released (FINALLY) earlier in the year. I loved it, but after a while, I didn't love it so much (It's hard to drag your friends to practice, regardless of how much they love you..). BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas music. Okay, I love music in general, but Christmas music is the BEST! It can put me in the festive spirit faster than you can say Jesus. (I'm sure it's also related to the fact that I actually know the words to most Christmas songs...where as my lyrical knowledge is somewhat lacking a bit in the rest of the song world.)


Christmas time rolled around my freshman year at IU where I was a member of the Singing Hoosiers and we break out the Christmas music....the music starts...I get out my music....and the words "Turkey Lurkey Time" are at the top. The title made me hungry. And confused. I thought we were singing Christmas music? No? Do we sing Thanksgiving music too? Why is everyone so excited about this song? Then we began to sing....

Let me tell you -- it's my FAVORITE song EVER. I can't explain to you why but it just is. It's from a Broadway musical called "Promises, Promises" and it is fabulous. I found the original on YouTube and thought I would share it with you. The quality isn't as fabulous as the song, but you'll get the drift.

Here's the spreading the holiday cheer!




I know what you're thinking. And man, that dancing -- you just don't see dancing like that anymore (which I think could be a GOOD thing). That front girl can MOVE, no? Seriously, I mean, every office party I've ever been to is exactly like this one.

And scene.

I'm a little tea spout -- about to spout off some more.

What is the purpose of having a blog if you can't use it to complain?

It started last week -- the sore throat.

Then that disgusting drainage the runs down the back of your throat (you know it, you know it well...).

Then you start to get all achy and tired.

But you can't sleep.

Why?

Because you can't BREATHE.

So you blow your nose. And somehow, blowing your nose makes you more congested than you were before. You toss. You turn. There is no position in which you can lie, sit or stand that makes your congestion better.

I complain, yet I do not take medications to cover my symptoms. I suffer through them. I hate medicine. The non-drowsy kind makes me all loopy and the drowsy kind knocks me out for hours on end...so when I break down to take the medication...life stops altogether until the effects (did I use that word correctly, Kik?) have worn off.

I actually WANT to work (and desperately need the money, I assure you) but I feel as though I have been hit by a truck when I wake up after a few hours of sleep (and probably some crazy snoring due to the congestion -- I promise I'm a quiet sleeper when I'm cold/flu free).

I'm quite the whiner when I'm sick. I hate it. I sound like a pinch-nosed version of the bass section and look like Rudolph's earthly sister with my ruby red raw nose. I'm too cheap to buy Kleenex...a good ol' roll of toilet paper keeps my sprinting nose blown.

On another note....

Does anyone want to just give me some money? I'll even write a blog entry completely devoted to you. Kind of like a scholarship application of sorts. I've been utilizing my inability to be able to write scholarship essays all morning. Let's keep our fingers crossed that someone will think I'm talented and original enough to give me their money so I can have some more money for school expenses!!!

Ugh. I think it's time for a nap.

I'm about to get all political on your face.

I am not one who openly speaks of my political stance on...well anything, to be honest. I am not one who shouted from the rooftops (or on my facebook status) that I am a conservative republican...and that I was voting for John McCain. But then the election concluded and I wrote my small diatribe to the ever-evolving world in which we live and how, yes indeed, change has come to America -- in the form of a socialist liberal. I am curious to see how the government will change, and even a bit optimistic that, like some of my fellow Americans seem to believe, that once Obama (I wonder if his name will be added to spell check now that he has been elected) is President I can relax and not have to work as hard because the wealthy people will have to share and I can get off easy. Phew. What a relief! (I mean, that IS what he's saying, right?)

There is one thing, though, that I feel I must talk about it. I assure you that it will create a strong reaction in some of you. I can guarantee that some of you will either think I'm a discriminating mormon just like the rest of 'em or there will be those who think I'm eloquent and mature in my opinion.

I speak of Proposition 8.

Oh yes. The oh-so-controversial-no-same-sex-marriages-allowed amendment to the constitutions of California, Florida, and Arizona (in addition to may other states that already have such an amendment present) to state that "marriage" is defined as a union between one man and one woman. Period. The End. No same-sex marriages.

This was voted on by the people of these states and passed in all three states. Ironically enough, two out of these three states elected Obama (one of which is traditionally a republican state). So I assure you that although "change has come" one thing remains the same -- it can be assumed that it is still a general belief of society that marriage is a holy institution and should not be blurred by the lines of homosexuality being allowed to carry the same origins and rights associated with traditional marriage.

As anyone who has read a newspaper or watched the news knows, the LDS church is under serious cross fire for its monetary support of Proposition 8. The Church, along with many other creeds (including the Catholic Church, Jews, Orthodox, Christian churches, etc) formed a coalition to pass this order of legislation. The LDS Church took a very lofty and very vocal stance on the situation. And now -- we have people protesting outside of our temples and churches. ::Sigh::

I was doing some reading on the FAIR (Foundation for Apologetics Information and Research)blog and was reading several comments by some members and non-members of the LDS Church alike on their stances towards the opposition that the Church is facing. Click here to read this blog and comments, http://www.antiantimormon.com/ and search for the FAIR Blog.

I would like to share my comment to the blog here on my own blog, as it describes my opinion on the topic in detail. I would say first, that I do not normally climb up political trees, nor do I branch out on such issues as this publicly, but for some reason, I feel the need to stand up and say how I feel.

My response:

I am more and more aware of the idea that we are imperfect, and therefore have an imperfect knowledge of many things. If we have a testimony of the restored Gospel, and a testimony of the living Prophet and his Apostles, than we must trust the Church and its stance because the Church is led by God, not by man. We are not led by what the majority feels should be right (although ironically enough, we fail to mention that this legislation was voted on in Arizona and Florida, and passed, and the amount of members of the Church there are much less than in California. I would feel that the majority still feels that Prop 8 is the “right” regardless of their religion).

I feel that we are forgetting something here. We are not saying we don’t love someone based on their sexual preferences. We are not trying to take away their rights (as the Church has stated that they believe that they should have the same rights — i.e. hospitalization, taxes, etc. etc. as married couples) but what we will not and SHOULD NOT support is recognizing a HOLY act of marriage as anything other than between a man and a woman (and ultimately, God). The Scriptures are clear when it comes to homosexuality as a sin. Therefore, it is black and white as far as I see it.

In response to someone who mentioned that “we don’t know why you are the way you are, we just know it’s wrong and you can’t get married”. I argue that we know much more about homosexuality and continue to expound upon our knowledge of it and its origins than you might know or understand. There is a lot of research to suggest that homosexuality is much like many mental illnesses. It is genetic but our environments and learned behaviors elude to the recognition of one being and eventually “coming out” as a homosexual. Therefore, making homosexuality a learned behavior. Just as we had a very small and narrow minded opinion of AIDS in the 1980’s — we still have much to learn about homosexuality and it’s affects on the human mind.

Marriage is an institution between man, woman and God. Perhaps, we might need to make our criteria for marriage more strict (meaning, if it’s not performed by a minister, than it should be recognized as a civil union and not a “marriage”).

This is probably one of most complicated and controversial issues to face our society since the civil rights movements in the 60’s for african americans and for women’s rights as well. Since our society has continued to stray further and further away from God (let’s begin with taking prayer out of schools, and not allowing the Ten Commandments to be displayed in certain public places), it only makes sense to me that gay marriage is the next step in degrading the conservative nature of the family and blurring every line possible as to the gender roles we carry.

Perhaps then, we should leave the definition of marriage up to God. He is all knowing, and as a member of Christ’s church…I trust that through personal prayer, scripture study and having faith in the Prophet, that we are standing up for and supporting the family. In the end, that’s what it comes down to for me.

“First, we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I pray that we learn how to love more deeply without sacrificing what we know to be true. I pray that we are able to come beside every person in a spirit of service. Each time we take the sacrament, we are recommitting ourselves to take upon the name of Christ — and has his servants — we must serve others in truth and righteousness. We must stand up for what is right but not walk on those who disagree. I think the Church did what they needed to do to ensure that they stood up for truth and righteousness.

This is a test. I repeat. This (life) is a test.

----------------

I know my opinion is very cut and dry. I'm sure that some will oblately disagree with my opinions regarding anything I addressed...so please don't hate me.


I vote for world peace. Who's with me? Unfortunately, I think until Christ returns, we're on a slippery slope downwards.

Peace, friends.

(And who knew I was so opinionated about things like politics? It certainly crept up on me...)

Winter Craziness.

It's just your typical Saturday night. I got home at a ridiculous hour, I (of course) log on to the computer to check my email and facebook, put away the groceries that I bought on my late night trip to Wal-mart (because I've been putting it off all day) and I think I might as well put together my class schedule for registration while I'm on here (I mean, who cares that it's 2am, right?)

I log on to register for my classes...go through each one...all of them work out great! I don't have any classes after 1:45pm Tues-Thursday and my last class ends at 5:30 on Monday. I'm not thrilled about my DAILY 7:45am class (I don't even remember what 7:45am looks like...let alone the fact that BYU has a dress code that discourages rolling out of bed, putting on a hat, and going to class -- and I guess that might not be the best way to attract men either). I'm pumped....

Then I remember...

I have to get a job. So I'm going to have to work nights and on Saturday.

And I'll most likely have homework...not sure when I'm going to be able to do that.

And I will need sleep -- did I mention the 7:45am class?

The moral of the story is this:

Don't expect to talk to me once school starts. I'm pretty much not going to have a life. Not even a social life. Maybe a Saturday night here and there...but seriously...between homework and work....and my classes...

Yeah.

Paper bag, please. I think I might be starting to hyperventilate.

TGIF.

Friday.

Oh blessed Friday. (Although with my sparatic work as of late, Friday is kind of like every other day...)

The end of the week. The week end. The weekend. It brings promise of sleeping in (for some), relaxing (for most), and probably doing some much needed errands, cleaning or going out with the girls (or everyone...depending).

As of late, I relish in Friday nights at home. Listening to good music, or curling on the couch watching a movie with one of the roommates. It's just nice. I've admittedly not paid so much attention to the diet lately (it might be safe to say I've been caught up in other things).

There are some things that I'm loving right now. You should check them out!


I'm LOVING e.l.f makeup. I mean, seriously, quality makeup for a DOLLAR!? It's a girl's dream. And mineral makeup for THREE dollars?! I have deemed this phenomenon hotness on a budget. It's one of those too good to be true things, that is ACTUALLY TRUE. (and if you give 'em your email they send you coupon codes like no one's business to save even MORE money)

I'm LOVING Harry Connick Jr., Michael Buble, Norah Jones, and Frank Sinatra. I don't know if it's just me...but when I sing about swaying in the breeze or being unforgettable -- I automatically feel cooler and more in tune with my sophisticated side.

I'm LOVING missionary work. I can't get enough of it. I could talk about this one for a long time. I'll save it for another day.

I'm LOVING Evian liter bottled water. I always feel better when I'm getting enough H2O in my life and carrying around one of these bad boys makes it so much easier to get my daily dose of the calorie free liquid goodness.


I'm LOVING books. I started reading a really great book. I might not be the most avid reader...but I love books. I want a room in my house that has bookshelved walls with a big comfy leather reading chair (blanket close by of course...with a table for your beverage of choice) and a nice big comfy couch to match. I want it to have a huge picture window that looks at something beautiful. It will be a thinking room. A peaceful room. A room of learning and inspiration.



So, I know it's a bit random. But that's how I'm feeling today. Oh, and thanks to Kiera, I now know the different between A-ffect and E-ffect. (She's such a great best friend. Be jealous.) I have such great women in my life to call my friends. How did I get so lucky?

Hooray for the weekend!

The D word.

It's 7:00am.

My all-annoying alarm starts beeping at me (or singing at me...all depending on if I'm annoyed with hearing the same song OVER and OVER again, day in and day out).

I turn it off.

I go back to sleep.

I text my boss and tell him -- I don't think I can come in today.

I have done this for the last two weeks.

About three weeks ago marked the anniversary of my mother's death (which you blog followers remember because I, of course, wrote about it). I also lost two friends that same week. One was to death. One was to a relationship that dramatically altered a friendship. Both, nonetheless, losses. All was a blow to my emotional stability.
We all deal with loss. I'm not saying that mine is any different than yours. What I do know -- I deal with it a little differently. I might be a great speaker. A decent writer. A good cook. A talented singer. I'm a lousy loser.

It seems, without fail, every year around this time, I have to deal with loss in some form. It also seems, without fail, that this time of year I struggle enormously to get out of bed. To pick myself up. To keep myself going.

I am immensely blessed with gobs of friends, great friends, best friends and family who support me in ways that they might not even know. But I still am alone in the morning when I wake up, and alone at night when I go to sleep. There's no one knocking on my door or reminding me that I have a reason to get up. There's no one making me do the tasks on my to-do list that I have on my desktop staring me in the face every day (most of it involves paying some sort of bill...) There's no one to greet with a smile. I have to motivate myself, every day, to get up. To breathe in and breathe out.

All the signs have been there in the past few weeks. My room became less and less neat. I started staying up later and later. I stopped exercising. I stopped eating healthy. I stopped caring. I stopped working. I just.....stopped.

I'm trying to go again, but it's hard. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Geez, Courtney. Suck it up and move on!" I tell myself that EVERY SINGLE DAY. I think to myself...why can't you just get up and do all of the things you want to do? Why can't you go to work like every one else? I beat myself up over it constantly.

Depression (there, I said it) effects millions of Americans. For various reasons, I'm sure. For me, I'm pretty sure mine still results from years of loss. I believe my depression has been a vicious cycle. My depression has been the very cause of some of my losses...and yet losing those things causes my depression to cycle again. And this , my friends, is why I write.

If someone can take my mistakes, my heartache, my JOYS, my life...and learn something from it, gain a new perspective, then to me, it's worth it. That's probably one of my greatest reasons for wanting to be a mother. I want to be able to teach someone from what I've had to experience. This is also why I plaster my life on a webpage for the world to see, and inevitably judge.

I managed to finally get out of bed today around 11am. I decided to take a walk. I have a normal path in my neighborhood that I walk and it involves walking through the woods.



I walked with a purpose today. One foot in front of the other -- keeping a steady brisk pace. Listening to the leaves shuffle and crunch under my feet. Overstepping branches and twigs. Admiring the fall colors that I love so much. Breathing in........and breathing out. Feeling my muscles warm up and become looser and my heart rate increase. After a while, small beads of sweat accumulate on my brow. I rolled up my sleeves and kept going. My ankle started to hurt...but I kept walking...at the same pace as before. I wasn't going to quit. No cell phone. Today it was about me and the journey. My path takes me about 35 minutes to complete full circle. In my last stretch, despite the pain, I started to run. I found a steady breath and kept running until I reached the front porch.

Walking is one of my therapies. Writing is as well. (Along with talking, singing, dancing, cooking....) I don't take an iPod with me when I walk (that could be attributed to the fact I don't actually OWN an iPod....but anyone is welcome to give me one for Christmas). I don't listen to music. I get lost in the scenery. I get lost in my own thoughts. I get lost in the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement. I hear music in the world around me. Cars driving by. Dogs barking. A shirtless child riding his little skateboard across the pavement. Click. Click. Click...each time he hits a crack.

I had this thought. "You have to walk before you can run." I don't know exactly how that ties into my life, but somehow it does. I have baGILLION things I want to do with my life. I have desires incomprehensible. I am passionate about many things. I have the desire to be a runner, if you will. Taking a step -- a basic principle we learn when we are very young. Most of us learn to walk within the first 18 months of our birth. It's something we do every day. When my mom died, I forgot how to walk. I forgot the very thing that we do every day. I might not have literally forgetten, but emotionally. I had to reteach myself how to walk again. Without her. Have you ever watched a baby walk after they've just learned? They wobble. They fall down. They get back up and try again. They wobble. They fall down. They get back up and try again. Each time they try, they become stronger. Each time I suffer a loss, I wobble. A lot of times, I fall down. Then I get back up and try again. Eventually I'd like to have the strength to where I don't fall down. Maybe someday, I won't even wobble. I'll just keep walking. Then after walking a while, I can hop up to nice jog. Eventually there will be more losses, but instead of falling down, or wobbling, I'll just slow down to a walking pace...keep breathing...keep walking...and then I can start to jog again.

That will take time. Time I'm willing to invest. It's a scary thing to admit that the thought of not living has crossed my mind a time or two. At least I wouldn't have to experience the pain, right? But no. That's not how it works, at least not for me. A philosophy is only as good as the philosopher I guess, but I believe that each day is a new opportunity to shine. Each day is a new day to change....hopefully always for the better. It's a philosophy in progress, of course. I don't wake up at 7am very often...but someday I will. I don't jog for most of my path...but someday I will. Life is about progress. It's about stamina. It's about endurance.

Here's to fighting depression. Here's to battling the days where we feel weary and drained. Here's to having friends who understand you even when they're on the other side of the country.

Here's to walking.

It is with hesitation....

Last night, history was made. In a lot of ways. There was no doubt in my mind that this election was going to be something big, something monumental. I can say that I didn't expect this.

I grew up running around the Indiana State Senate floor and in and out of the government building where both of my parents were employed. My mom, in politics -- my dad, in law enforcement. My mom, a republican -- my dad, a democrat. I colored pictures and posters for various politicians who were running for office. I sat at the polls on election day with my mom who always volunteered. I was one of those kids who handed you fliers as you were walking in the polls and you're thinking, poor kid! (I was thinking, NO SCHOOL!) I watched debates and the news. We always watched coverage on election night. I was a page for three state senators as a kid. (Again, looking for ways to ditch school on an excused absence).

But as I grew up, and after my mom passed away...I became less interested in politics. I almost never watch the news. I didn't watch the debates this year. I looked up some information here and there. But I was sick of seeing commercial after commercial and greeting random campaigners at our front door on Saturday afternoon. I have a confession to make. I didn't vote in the last presidential general election. I voted in the primaries, for McCain I might add, and then when Bush won the primaries, I did not support any of the candidates. I believe we should vote, and feel strongly about making our voices heard (especially being a woman), but my choice NOT to vote that year was how I thought I was speaking. So many of you might think that I have no right to say what I think about this historic time. I say to you...I'm a woman of many words...and I will say them because that is just what I do. (Maybe someday it will make me lots of money?! No? Meh, I'll stick to blogging I guess.)

At one point in time, I wanted to be the first woman President of the United States. I wrote Bill Clinton a letter when I was 8 (or was I 7? 9 maybe? Meh...details..) and told him that I didn't agree with his policies and thought he was a terrible example to our country. He, in return, sent me a thank you letter and signed 8 1/2 x 11 of his smiling, devious face. (I'm sure you try to be a good guy, Bill. But seriously, Monica? You couldn't have had a little bit more self control?? Thanks for showing not only our country, but our world, that being unfaithful to your wife is okay. I continue...) In high school, I ran for class president twice (and kept losing to my cousin. He was really cute so I don't blame the girls for voting in his direction) and held an office on my floor my freshman year at IU for my dorm. I guess even though I seemed less interested, I've always stepped up into leadership roles that in some way were "government" like.

This election I have been back and form a hundred times in my head about who I wanted to vote for. I didn't feel that Obama was really giving answers. He was playing on the hopes and dreams of the American public for a world that, to me, might never actually exist. I thought about it. Several times. Obama is an excellent speaker. His charisma and charm leap off of a TV screen and his promises of a better future are catchy. I felt myself whispering to myself "Yes we can" last night as I was listening to his speech.... but still trying to listen to what this man plans to do now that he's won the prize.

McCain has always been someone that I supported because of his dedication and love for America. Obama himself made a poignant statement as he was speaking of McCain at the beginning of his speech that this man has been through more and has made sacrifices to fight for our freedom and for our country that we couldn't even begin to understand. I may not have studied out all of the details of their policies and opinions on how to run a country but I do believe that a strong man, of moral character, who has proven to be a successful leader, is going to be who I most support. Almost ironically, McCain is a decently liberal republican, so in a way, some could argue that he's comparable to a conservative democrat. So the fact that I'm a registered Republican doesn't always mean that my vote is always to the red elephant side of the ballot. This year, I don't know if left and right, blue or red, elephant or donkey played as much of a part in their decisions as the people's desire for drastic change. Unfortunately, I can say with assurance that Bush's disapproval amongst the American public fell at the doorstep of John McCain's campaign. Bush has pissed off a lot of people...Republicans and Democrats alike.

I hope that people listened last night. A lot of promises were made...and a lot of fears were dispelled. Obama did not promise us immediate change. "It might not take a year, it might not take an entire term..." I felt I witnessed a plea for help more than a victory speech. McCain's concession speech was poised, eloquent, honest and sincere. I would have been proud to call him my President. However, as I casted my vote, I knew that I was only making a statement against liberalism...and not that I was voting to elect the next President. I have known for quite some time that Obama would most likely take office.

Obama told a magnificent story of a woman, 106 years old, who voted in this election (I can only assume her vote was for Obama -- would have been ironic if she voted for McCain -- I'm just sayin) She has more or less "seen it all" in her lifetime. I couldn't imagine. My grandmother is 82 years old and I love to listen to her talk about how things were when she was growing up. It was simply a different time then. A slower time, and a much more conservative time.

I might offend some people with my thoughts or opinions, and if so, please know that I do not mean to offend. I don't doubt that things will swing upward again. There is a cycle of life, and also of government. Obama represents, unfortunately, the majority opinion of the people. His socialist and liberal attributes are that of most of our free world nowadays. We have been leaning towards a less conservative, less family oriented, less hard working society for years. We want to do what we want, when we want, how we want and without any consequences. We don't want to have to work hard, struggle, or help each other. We're a world of self help books, Dr. Phil's and talk shows exploiting the true inner lining of America. Jerry Springer is who I blame, but in reality, there really are a lot of twisted people out there. And I believe that we have started to hit the peak of this radical societal mountain. It makes sense that a man of Obama's nature would be at the top of that mountain to lead the people.

I have faith in God. I do not know if I have faith in the common good of man. That sounds rather crappy to say, but when we turn our heads at tearing apart families and degrading the human race in the ever more radically liberal minded society we are living in, it will never result in good. It will never result in peace. I do not believe Obama really knows how to change or fix the problems we currently face. I do not agree with his answers on how to fix the economy or think that his plan to bring the troops home will actually work. But he preaches a message of a better world. He preaches a message of hope. For that, I give him credit. We ALL want the world to be a better place. So I can support him in his quest to make that happen. I'm just praying he doesn't bomb. It takes a special person to run for President of this country. It takes an even more special man to be a man against all odds running for President....and kudos to Obama for a successful ending to his election journey.

I will do what he asks because I am a woman of faith. I will rally behind him because it is my patriotic duty. I will stand with him as someone who also wants my children to grow up in a world that is financially secure and stable. I hope that all of us can swallow whatever feelings of pride we have in ourselves and do our best to serve our country by helping out. However, until Christ returns, I feel that it's only going to get worse before it gets better. The people took a stand last night. But I'm not sure if they actually know what they took a stand for.

My thoughts and prayers are with Senator Obama and his family as he begins to take on the daunting task of leading a country through perilous times.

Ironically enough, I think I'm more interested in politics that I give myself credit for. haha. Maybe I'll run for some random government office someday...who knows, right? HAHAH!

A Nurse's Trauma

I am more and more beginning to respect and admire nurses. I have a few friends who are in this profession and I listen to them talk about their jobs -- a man who codes after surgery, a gunshot victim, cleaning up the feces of elderly patients -- it's all in a day's work. They check the vitals, assist the doctors, run the floors...and they do it just as I crunch numbers and file papers at my own job.

Obviously, I have a closely tied link to death and loss. It's been a part of my life -- all of our lives really -- since my Papaw Smith died when I was two. From there, a long list of relatives have passed, as well as friends.

I ran into a girl, my age, who is in her last year of nursing school and is doing rotations in the ICU right now. I hadn't spoken to her in a long while. I casually asked how she was doing and she replied with an abnormal response. "Oh well, I'm fine. Just watched some perfectly normal, healthy 23 year old guy die on a table today. But other than that, I'm just fine." Yeah, she sounded fine all right. She sounded pretty shaken up was more like it. He was 23 years old, perfectly healthy, attractive and ran into the back of a dump truck on a cloudy afternoon. Two hours later....he died.

I just remember the look on her face as she was describing the details of her assisting the doctors. He was internally bleeding and then started losing blood through his mouth. Her eyes were wide and she just stared intently into space as she was reliving her last few hours by his bedside. She just kept saying, "He was my age. I just can't believe he was my age." I felt for her. Then, she made a comment that again, took me by surprise. "I really hope he knew Jesus, because if he didn't, then the worst part is I know where he went when he died."

As odd as this may sound, I have a feeling of comfort wash over me as I looked into her fear stricken gaze. I knew exactly where he was. And more so, I knew that he would still have a fighting chance at eternal happiness, regardless of how he lived this life. I knew that although our God is just, he is also merciful and has devised this miraculous plan so that we might have peace and faith in our futures, even our eternal ones.

I have had many promptings, many revelations about our post mortal life. Perhaps it is because of my close link to the spirit world. I have always known and felt the close presence of my mother. Not in a creepy way, but in a reassuring, loving way. I hear her laugh when I life, I see her smile when I smile. As I think about death, I can't help but to think about life. It is because of my knowledge of the Gospel and Christ's atonement that I am able to have this peace. It wasn't always something I understood, but it is something I sought to gain a knowledge of. I prayed, pondered, studied and listened.

I assured my acquaintance that I knew that this man, regardless of his mortal nature, has passed through to a place where he will still continue to have opportunities to know the Savior and to learn of His plan. He is not immediately damned. If that was the case, there wouldn't be much hope for any of us. The final judgement has not come and there is much work to be done before this day. But I can also say, I know that this day is coming. The signs are all around us. It is our responsibility to ensure that we have oil in our lamps and are found prepared at the day of His glorious return.

Life is short. Even if you live to be 101, life passes by in the blink of an eye. Treasure it. Relish in it. Live it. But remember that life is eternal...even if we are damned to outer darkness, we are eternal beings. I desire eternal happiness. I desire to have a family that is one eternal round. That is why I choose to live that life I do. That is why I pray and study and do my best to be obedient to the commandments God has given us.

We are never guaranteed a tomorrow. Wake up every day as if it were on purpose. (Okay, Okay, I stole that last one from "Hitch"...)

FIYA.

Autumn is hands down my favorite time of year. Of course I enjoy the Spring and Summer (and even Winter to some degree!) but Autumn is where the world puts on a beautiful show. The dying trees transform into a miraculous palette of beautiful colors before they shed their leafy coat. Shades of red, gold, yellow, green, purple....mmmmm....it's almost delicious to me.

It causes me to reflect on the seasons of our lives. Just as we experience seasons year in and year out, our very own lives can be represented by the seasons. I won't spend too much time going over the details in my mind...but I hope that you will take time to ponder that. What season of life are you in? I think we spend most of our lives in the Summer season. I'd love to know your thoughts.

With Autumn comes a lot of fun activities!!! Of course, haunted houses are great! But one of my favorite things is probably going to bonfires. Roasting marshmallows and hot dogs around a huge fire that is keeping you warm while the brisk air is fighting to keep you cold. You're wearing your favorite jeans, sweatshirt and comfy shoes, and don't forget your favorite scarf and maybe even your gloves and hat (depending on where you live of course). You cuddle up with your friends and drink hot cider and laugh and talk. The night is clear and the stars are in abundance. I can't get enough of it sometimes. Last night we had a bonfire out in Lebanon, IN. I'm slightly obsessed with starry skies and the stars were RIDICULOUS last night. I could have laid down and stared at them for countless hours. I feel a little bit closer to God each time I am able to marvel in His creation. Last night was no different.

So here are some fun photos of the activity last night! Enjoy!



Our dinner dates for the evening... Jon, Jared, Me and Megan.



Me and Larry. Probably my favorite picture of the night.




Advice: Yes, the chocolate can melt if you hold the entire s'more over the fire. However, the bottom of the graham cracker ends up looking like......




this.

A road less traveled.

A wise boy told me that opposition comes in all things...I guess that includes...blogs?! It appears I have a "non-fan" in my midst. Someone who has nothing nice to say, yet chooses to check my blog and in fact, continue to attempt to say these not nice things. Seriously folks....do you have nothing better to do?

I am not a negative person. Therefore, why should I have such negativity on my blog? I'm a pretty self aware person, and address several of my flaws on this very blog. So why do I need someone else to remind me of the flaws I am so painfully aware of already?

I digress.

Yesterday I went through one of those self serve car washes. You know. The ones that have the individual bays where you pay in quarters to wash your car down with a high pressure squirt gun and brush that appears to spew sudsy foam at rapid speed. (It could have done without so much foam, if you ask me.)




As a kid, my mom used to go through these car washes and I thought they were nothing short of phenomenal. I'll admit that as an adult, I became a sell-out to the fancy, sometimes overpriced, car wash chains that do all the grunt work while I casually sit in my leather seats with the radio and a/c still on watching the water and soap go on and come off in a quick swipe (praying that I remembered to roll up all of my windows...let's not get me started on when you realize you've left one cracked when water comes pouring in). Who can forget the most powerful dryers known to common man at the end?! What I wouldn't give to have a room like that to stand in at home to dry my hair some mornings (Is it just me or does it sometimes take too much effort to dry hair...especially those mornings when you really don't feel like getting ready, but you have too much pride to walk out with wet hair that will eventually look like a stringy, flat mess if you let it air dry).

Although I do relish in the nostalgia of old fashioned, do-it-yourself car washes, it's the part after the washing of the car has taken place that I most enjoyed. That ridiculous (but very smart and handy) dryer room does not exist at my self-serve car wash bay. You have to dry your car the old fashioned way...with a towel...or.....

drive as fast as possible. I chose the latter (clearly...because if you know me at all, you know that I like to drive fast!)

It would have probably been the best method had it been slightly warmer and sunnier, as yesterday was a decently cool autumn day (and dreary...). But all in all, it doesn't matter if the sky is blue or gray. When you're driving down a country road at ____ mph with the radio blasting, it just feels good. There's no one else on the road (and let's pray no cops on the side of that road) to get in your way. Harvested fields all around. Big farm houses. Tree lines speckled with the gorgeous autumn reds, yellows and golds. Your cares and fears subside. It's just you and the road. Just drive and sing. At the top of your lungs. It's not REAL singing unless it's so loud and so bad (and by bad I, of course, mean good...because we all sound good when we're in the car by ourselves) that you can't hear anything other than yourself and the incredible song you're jamming out to.

So ten miles later, and a couple of great songs....

your car is dry. Your vocal chords strained.

And you, well, I don't know about you. But me? I'm as happy as a clam.

Which leads me to another question...

How do we know that clams are happy? I mean..do they have lips and teeth in which to smile? Perhaps another day....or not.